Hello to all of you.

This is my first time participating in the forum, so I am feeling a bit nervous, but here it goes. Several of you have helped my husband "Help for Dad" and up to this point I wasn't so sure that anyone could help mom. My husband and I have been together since we were 15 years old, and until my 40th year, we have been each others only sexual partners. I had reasons, but no excuses for breaking our marriage vows in July 2010, when I became involved with someone whom I met at work. The affair ended in March 2011, and, to be frank, I have never experienced so much pain in my life. I have hurt my husband, my children and myself in ways I could not ever have imagined. I often think what I did in 8 months could take me 80 years to recover from.

The morning after I started the affair, I told my husband what I had done, and August 1, my husband and I started counseling, even though I did not end it with the other man. It took me a few months to begin coming out of the fog in my head and to realize that I had to let this other man go. My husband and I agreed and chose to rebuild and repair our marriage, but I had a hard time reconciling what I had done with someone else and ending that relationship.

For the first 4 months, only our counselor knew of our marital troubles, but I walked around feeling overwhelmed, insecure, and depressed knowing that I was holding onto this "big secret" and feeling like I was losing touch with reality. In October, I made a choice to tell 2 family members, one of which has since passed away and 2 colleagues. I left my job at the end of 2011, and began a new job since, but some of my old colleagues still contact me and one or two still see us.

As time has passed, our marriage is growing stronger and I've been feeling a little better day by day, distancing myself from that organization. I have found that my old colleagues trigger me and am uncertain how to proceed. I personally did not tell them about my affair, but I do not know if those 2 colleagues that I did tell shared information with them or anyone else for that matter. I feel paranoid. No one brings it up in conversation, but I don't know what to think. One of those colleagues who I regularly see is like a mother figure to me, and as much as I appreciate her, I can't stand it anymore.

To get right down to it, I can't stand seeing anyone from my past, because it is a constant reminder. It reminds me of one of the most loneliest times in my life. It reminds me that people may have suspected something and said nothing. It reminds me that no one cared enough to see if we were ok(my husband and I lost like 80 pounds in 4 months). It reminds me that maybe these people were never my friends because I couldn't trust them to share my problems. It reminds me that maybe those few who did know weren't my friends because they did nothing to try to stop me from self destructing.

So I ask who ever is reading this post and can give me some words of advice about interactions with people from my past, please do so and thank you.

Hi helpformom, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you have been through the wringer but are doing a super job of coming out the other side. My suggestion would be to quietly back away from these people and any other triggers you observe. That will help you forget that terrible time faster.


I don't know if they were your friends, but I do know if I had an affair I do not have a SINGLE FRIEND I would *DARE* tell. They would bust my [censored] to the moon!! After they called my husband and son to tell him about it!! When you are doing wrong, a true friend won't cover up for you so a cheater naturally won't tell a "true" friend. Cheaters only confide in people they know will help hide their crimes. Cheaters naturally seek partners in crime, not true friends, because a true friend would not cover up your crime.

Welcome, HFM. Your husband has been a strong counselor to others on this site.

Now to your question/situation. Is the discomfort you experience due to their association with the bad times, or the possibility of their knowing your secret, from those you did confide in?

If it is the association, well, unless they were somehow complicit, or enabling, even unknowingly, you'll have to try to isolate them from their surroundings. You have done the brave thing in leaving that hospital, we know. Well, then, leave the memories tied to it.

If, however, your worries are about what they might know...what of it? The person about whom those stories may be told was the FORMER HFM, not the one building her life with her husband and children. Bride once remarked, after reading this site, that increasingly the population is seemingly divided into those marriages that have experienced some form of infidelity, and those who will experience some form of infidelity. Like a good vaccine, those of us here in recovered marriages have been through the agony, and will not face it again. What do these other acquaintances have to look forward to?

Anyway, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Hello helpformom and welcome to MB!


I am a FWW and that situation of yours is similar to mine. No contact is the only possible way to stop those reminders. When I left the company I had told no one there. There were occasions when I still met my best colleagues, but I saw that it didn't do any good to my DH. Then after a while I have left this company, I told my one good former colleague, a good friend, why I cannot communicate with them anymore, that I had an affair with one of the partners of the firm, that ongoing communication even with those who didn't know about it, but are involved in the same projects, hurts my DH and myself and we do not need this pain in our relationship anymore. Since it was almost all-female bunch of people, I'm sure the information spread like a fire. And - they have respected that decision of mine, they don't call me anymore, we do not email and let alone meet, and I can tell you it is the only way to go.

Be proactive about eliminating triggers, whether they be people you associate with, places you go, or things you do. The past is the past, and you need to concentrate on the romantic relationship you are building with your husband. Living with triggers is no way to live. My wife and I moved 500 miles to get away. Oddly, contact from people back there doesn't trigger us so much now.

Hey, Mom! Welcome to Marriage Builders! I'm so glad to see that you are posting here - you're exactly where you need to be.

I am fond of your husband and worked with him quite a bit "back in the day". He's moved on to helping others on this site and seems to be doing well. He's come a long way - I'm sure you're very proud of him!

As far as acquaintances from those days are concerned - your interactions with them are up to you, Mom. And I think you already know the answer. You are triggering when you interact with them. Simple answer? Stop interacting with them. I don't think the issue is whether or not they know, or if they've shared that knowledge with others. The point is that you are triggering, and you can't have that. It's not healthy for your marriage. Anything that is a trigger needs to be addressed. If it's interaction with old co-workers, eliminate the interaction. How you wish to do that is up to you. If they insist upon calling you or trying to maintain old ties, let them know gently that you are at a place in your life right now where you are spending as much time with your family as possible and you really haven't been socializing lately. Tell them you'll be back in touch when your time is a little freer. That's the truth and is really all they need to know. They don't need to know that your time will never be 'a little freer.'

There you go. Eliminate the triggers.


By the way - if someone finds out your 'secret' the world will keep spinning. As a matter of fact, you may find it downright freeing to tell this mother figure the truth of the matter: "Mother Figure, I did a terrible thing when I was employed at XYZ - I had an affair. It was the worst thing I have ever done, and Dad and I have worked hard to repair the damage. I know you'll understand when I tell you that I am trying to heal Dad and our marriage, and part of that healing of my family is starting a new life in a new direction." If she's any kind of friend, she'll encourage your resolve to move forward and leave triggers in the rearview.

Thanks for your response ML. I feel like I took several bad blows from my affair:

1. I realized that I wasn't happy with my husband whom I had spent my life with and didn't know how to effectively communicate it with him. We talked/screamed past each other and I needed to own some of that - I realize that he wasn't very happy with me either, except he made different choices and didn't act on it. I came out of this feeling weak, insecure and not confident. If I was so miserable, why not have the strength to leave and save myself the humiliation that this affair has brought to me. There are still days that I find it difficult to get out of bed.

2. My troubled relationship with my own parents has not helped me create a healthy marriage for myself. I can't communicate effectively with them either.

3. I wanted to believe that I had friends who cared about me because I didn't have a solid foundation of care growing up. I now realize that yes ML you are right!!! People who care about me would not stand back and do nothing while I am destroying my life and the life of others.

I am left to ponder then who is true to me and the idea that it could be hardly anyone hurts a lot!

Marital Bliss, thanks for your feedback and for helping my husband in some very dark times. I have often wondered whether letting my secret out would help or hinder me because:

1. Is it not best to "air your laundry" to people who have a vested interest in you. I need to know that these people support me and my marriage and can add something to our life. What's the point in telling anyone else? Right now, I'm not really sure who these people are.

2. When I see this old colleague who is like a parent figure to me, I am distressed not knowing what she does or does not know, but she has never brought it up. However, she discusses the job a lot and I don't want to hear about it. This means any area of the organization including the facility and its grounds, the boss and her boss, the colleagues, what she had for lunch - it all bothers me. Can I save this relationship if I set the right boundaries or is this futile?

3. In the future, how do we as a happily married couple develop new relationships after disposing of the minutiae of our past? We need friends that are going to support our marriage and the Marriage Builders principles. I don't know that I want to hang out with the girls anymore without my husband. Are there people out there who have similar thoughts??

GloveOil,

I worked with these people for 7 years fulltime/overtime/lots of time and, as my colleagues, they became part of me and my life. When you work fulltime, as I'm sure most of you can relate, you are seeing some people more than you see members of your family. Leaving the job was hard, but leaving your colleagues was hard, as well.

I wanted to believe that I could still forge a relationship with some of them. The truth is, many of them distanced themselves from me. I have obsessed over why, but, in the end, does it matter? They either knew and were not there for me or they didn't know and were not there for me. Either way, it sucks to be me knowing that I cared for people more than they cared for me.

The whole experience makes me wonder what was real at that point in my life. Was I so hard up for affection that I could have misread that many people? Was I attempting to hold onto something or someone as a misguided attempt to feel like I mattered, because clearly I didn't matter to my "colleague friends" or the other man.

Helpformom,

Maybe you are over thinking this a wee bit. In my professional life, I had close relationships with my colleagues. When I left that position, or company, there would be a few people with whom I stayed in touch, but those petered out, as we went on to focus on other things. It wasn't because we didn't like or respect each other.

Could this be the case here?

Mom, I'm not saying that you need to plaster the details of your affair on a billboard. I'm saying to be open to opportunities that may come your way to be refreshingly candid - with yourself as well as with people who may be in the wings, ready to support you. You can't always identify who these people will be. You seem to want a reassurance that these people will accept this knowledge about you without judging you or thinking less of you. There are no guarantees, here. The only way you can even attempt to control what people think of you is to control the flow of information to them, which is what you have been doing. I don't see where that's been working for you.

When the fallout from Mr. Bliss' affair began, he was faced with having to choose how to control the flow of this information to people who viewed him as a moral and upstanding person. He chose honesty and candor, because he said the lying and hiding during the affair made him feel sick about himself.

He didn't take out an ad, or anything. But he did make it a point to not hide his actions. The people he exposed his affair to - every single one - applauded his candor and gave us one more supporter in the healing of our marriage.

And if they hadn't? We would have known that person wasn't a friend and would have eliminated that person from our lives post haste.

It sounds to me like you very much value this person's friendship. No doubt she values yours as well. You are obviously distressed that there may be this white elephant in the room that neither of you feel you can address. Why are you allowing this friendship to continue in this way?

If your friend is in possession of the facts of a life-altering event in your life, I suspect she will be very supportive of you and would work with you to continue healing and would not only respect your boundaries, but would work with you to keep them secure. As in, no more discussions about the old workplace.

And if she recoils in horror after you confide in her? Well, now you know the truth of your friendship. To the rear-view mirror with her.

Mom, I have a dear friend I meet up with once every other week for dinner. That's about the only socializing I do outside of my marriage. I have no desire to be away from my husband more often than that. And even then I find myself hurrying home to be with him The fact that you don't have the desire to do a lot of socializing with your girlfriends is a good thing.It confirms your desire to keep Dad in the No. 1 place of importance in your life.

This is pretty easy, really - keep MB principles in the forefront of your lives and proceed to live. Your friendships will follow accordingly.

A few years ago I was at a business function and about six of us were talking. One of the women suggested that we all get together to have a girls' night out/sleep-over; you know, where a bunch of women go out for dinner and drinks and then head back to the house to stay up yakking? (Think: teen sleepover without the dinner and alcohol). One of the women there immediately said "Sorry, I can't make it - my husband and I have an agreement that we never spend nights apart." No one blinked twice. (And no, I didn't go, either. Why would I choose to spend the night with a bunch of women when I've got Mr. Bliss at home?

Hi Mom! When you have a minute, I'd like your thoughts on my last post.

HFM,

HFD took me off the ledge on more than one occasion and Im a big fan of his.

Although the situation with my friends may differ from what your original question is refering to, I think the overall topic of associations before and after dday is relevant.

We met OM and his wife through one of my best friends (Paul) many years ago. Since then, my friendship with Paul subsided mainly due to distance and, actually, he too was a philanderer and we just didnt stay very close. (Paul subsequently got caught in an affair and lost his wife and family.)

Anyway we remained close to OM and the rest of that is history.

I decided for some reason to discontinue any friendships I had with anyone who was in this circle of friends with Paul and me. This probably represented about 7 or 8 people who Ive known for over 25 years. My reasoning was that OMW in her distressed days post dday told me she felt compelled to tell Paul of the affair.

Paul, who is suffering a lousy existence after his divorce, is the type who I believed would enjoy spreading the information of my wife's affair particularly since Paul's affair partner's husband was good friends with Paul just like my wife's OM was close with me. The similarities are just too juicy.

Anyway, I decided to reach out to 2 of those friends in the last 6 months and one had no idea of the affair. (Like me, she thought OM was gay and harmless.) The other no doubt knows but is not interested in the slightest.

I guess my point is after I spoke to them and have spent time with them, Im wondering why I even chose to isolate myself from them. I know why. Humiliation. The particulars of my story point to a fool who allowed his wife to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone she clearly was attracted to. I was embarassed.

Im still working the nerve to reach out to the other few people in the group. Dont know if they know. In fact, when I do speak to them, Ill have to tell them the reason why I deserted them because each has over the last couple of years tried to contact me. So this Silent Treatment will have worked against me in some manner.

Just speaking to and corresponding with the 2 that Ive reached out has been great. I wish I hadnt made the decision to ignore them right after dday. Nothing like old friends.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. And sorry that its a deviation from your concerns. Just this topic hits a nerve that I havent spent much time on in my thread. Maybe I will.

How are you doing, helpformom?

How are you doing, helpformom?

Hello to all

It has been about 3 months since I last posted and I have had a lot of time to process all the great feedback that this forum has given me. I find it difficult to post - it is hard for me to maintain the energy level. Although "help for dad" encourages me to post and stresses how the forum has provided him with a great deal of support and advice, I worry the forum will keep me connected to a subject matter that I wish would just go away. With that being said, the subject matter has not gone away even without my posts, and there are still plenty of days where I find myself depressed, frustrated and ready to give up.

I have some updates that I could use some advice with. First, I stopped talking with the woman who was like an adopted mother to me. I would say sometime in February, I accepted the fact that she was a huge trigger and that I really did not feel well when I saw her. I feel bad about this, and I tried explaining to her that I hadn't returned her calls because I was busy with school, work and the family and that when I had free time I would contact her (knowing in my heart that it was over). She said she tried calling me 7 times in a 2 week period. I did get 3 messages from her and she sounded distressed, so I gave her the explanation which lasted for about a week and then she called me again with the same distress, wanting explanations for my lack of a prompt return call and upset because she felt like I didn't want to be her friend. I gave her the same explanation. She called me again two days later at 4:30 in the morning and left a message telling me that she could take care of herself and I never responded. It has been 2 months since I spoke with her and when I reflect, I believe the whole relationship stemmed from dysfunction. She wasn't my parent, although, in the end, she acted like she was, and it did resemble my mother, with the over the top phone calls, and just like my mother, I don't believe she was a true source of support to me either. Whether she knew or not, I could never tell her of the affair, but she knew enough and sat back while I drowned.

I have erased all contacts from my phone relating to my old job. I have received calls from 3 people whom I used to work with inviting me out to a party, or for dinner, and I have declined. The invitation did not include "help for dad". I don't know what they knew of the affair. I told them to take care. I hope they got the message.

I have stopped contact with friends outside of my old work, as well. Lots of texts about me going out without "help for dad" and I just can't do that right now. I have suggested double dating, but get comments about how independent the women are and that they want to go out without their husbands. I feel like I'm the most dependent woman out there to even bring the idea up.

Those that haven't distanced themselves from me, I have distanced myself from them.

I am officially alone. I have no friends, and a crazy extended family, on both sides, all of whom I would never confide in. My home and family are broken.

I am trying to start all over from scratch. Wipe the slate clean.

I have a lot more to say, but would like some feedback on this topic first.

Hi hfm, thanks for the update. I am glad to hear that your friends are taking a back seat in your life, but disappointed to hear that your marriage has not replaced that gaping hope. If your marriage is going right you should never feel alone. Your husband should be meeting any of those needs that formerly were met by outsiders. If your marriage is great, you won't want to squander valuable free time on friends. I know I sure don't. I refuse to give up any of my free time with my husband to a friend unless it is an occasional lunch.

What is lacking in your marriage that makes you feel so alone? How much undivided attention time are you spending together?

HFM, welcome back.

Have you dissected the odd dynamic that threads through your recent post? In summary it is, "I gave up attachments with people whose interests were not favorable to the life I now want to lead."

Well, first of all : GOOD!

But the following analyses would be to ask why you had a preponderance of such former acquaintances, and where you might find people to socialize with that are NOT toxic (active or passive) to a strong marriage.

I would be hard pressed to think of any of my ex-corkers whose first reaction on being called would be, "Hey! Let's go out parting (dining, dancing, whatever) without our wives!" It would be much more likely to be, "Let's meet for lunch and talk things over - old times and new!" If you want to tell me that is a cultural thing among those in the nursing profession (as opposed to us staid engineers), I would take your word for it, but it is striking.

Then of course, there is finding new sources of support and social interaction. You have moderately young children. There must be school-affiliated parent groups that you might join. There may be a social organization affiliated with your synagogue. Those are the things to try - TOGETHER - and form new social links that are reliably marriage-supportive.

What do you think?

That is very strange to me too. I am a mid level manager for a fortune 500 company and my coworkers don't go out partying. And certainly not married people. There is not much socialization outside of work, other than the occasional lunch. I had lunch with a female colleague in the airport yesterday for example.

hfm, it sounds like you worked in a culture that did not value marriage very much. I honestly can't imagine asking a married person to go out partying without his/her spouse. That is a toxic friend, if you ask me. If you and your husband have friends, they should be couples friends that you both like.

Other than that, if you follow this program, your marriage will become your greatest source of satisfaction. I like being around friends and family but I won't ever sacrifice valuable time with my husband to get that. That is what we want you to have!