I know I know. Sorry to puke all over the board. Just riding the rollercoaster here.

Believe it or not, it sounds like you're making progress.

Don't give up yet. How's your time looking for this week?

It'd better be better than last week!

I'm reading this thread:

UA time when children are very young

I sent the link over to my W to read.

Right now, we have 7 hours pretty well established each week between Friday and Saturday nights. The challenge right now is to find the quality time during the rest of the week without going broke!

By quality, I'm thinking out of the house when we have energy.

That's what happens on roller coasters!
FTF by increasing UA time with your wife you are creating the necessary environment you both must have to meet each others intimate ENs.
Keep working on this area it is that important!

Also don't underestimate the importance of what you allow your mind to dwell on. As a BH you HAVE to have control your thoughts or they will rocket down that dark road and along right behind it is all the intense, painful emotions.
There is a thread on just this subject I read a couple of days ago. I am too much of a novice to link it but I know who can do it...

We need a Brainy signal like the old Bat signal!

Haha

Which on are you thinking wle? The trigger thread?

FTF,

Since it takes two years minimum, you should start your clock when you found marriage builders. Also it sounds like your W is starting to absorb the concepts takes awhile before she will have the lightbulb moment.

I hate that lube.

Most BHs do, I have a particularly ugly, horrible memory of being with my W at the gynecologist, she was talking about her dryness, the nurse perked up "well your not dry today", there is no measure of the negative balance a statement like that makes on your ego. I think that was like 15 years ago or something like that.

God Bless
Gamma

Yep,Mark1952
Managing memories and dealing W/ triggers

Thanks I found it. Triggers

So I was just thinking this morning since we were talking about UA time last night.

Why is it that my wife and her AP didn't have to put so much time into their relationship as we are having to put into it?

If it takes 15 hours a week to sustain romantic love, how were they able to maintain it with much less time involved? I mean much less. Maybe 5 hours a week if I'm being generous.

Did you listen to the clips at the end of this thread?

Not yet but I will a point to since you mentioned it.

Because they were in a fantasy world. An affair bubble where they only had to let the other see their best side. Nothing like the real world with all of it's day to day problems and besides you were still meeting some of her needs. POSOM only had to meet one or two of those needs.
Don't let that discourage you from putting in the UA time and by the way 15 hours is for a M in good shape you guys probably need 25 plus!

OK here we go again. So my wife has been making extra money watching some kids after school. A new kid came last week. He is being watched during the day while his dad is at work. The dad is single in his 50's. We are late 30's if that matters.

He calls thins evening to speak to my wife because the kid will be coming tomorrow for the second time and he wanted to know if he needed to bring anything for him. I overhear the conversation and somehow my wife ends up offering to help him with his resume.

Now I know she probably doesn't think anything of it and will say there is no possibility of anything between them, but that kind of misses the point doesn't it?

It just leaves me feeling like I come off as a jealous fool saying anything about it, but why should I have to in the first place? Of course that line of thinking just gets be feeling angry like she doesn't get it.

So, I ask you, what is the proper way to go about this? Just say it bothers me?

Heck, it bothers ME that ot bothers me! Know what I mean?

OK here we go again. So my wife has been making extra money watching some kids after school. A new kid came last week. He is being watched during the day while his dad is at work. The dad is single in his 50's. We are late 30's if that matters.

He calls thins evening to speak to my wife because the kid will be coming tomorrow for the second time and he wanted to know if he needed to bring anything for him. I overhear the conversation and somehow my wife ends up offering to help him with his resume.

Now I know she probably doesn't think anything of it and will say there is no possibility of anything between them, but that kind of misses the point doesn't it?

It just leaves me feeling like I come off as a jealous fool saying anything about it, but why should I have to in the first place? Of course that line of thinking just gets be feeling angry like she doesn't get it.

So, I ask you, what is the proper way to go about this? Just say it bothers me?

Heck, it bothers ME that it bothers me! Know what I mean?

It BOTHERS you because it bothers you. You do not need any other reason.

Tell your wife that her offer to help this man with something unrelated to their business interaction is enough to sever their business deal.

Send a notice to the man that he needs to seek an alternative child care situation because your wife is no longer able to meet his needs.

This is not aPOJA. This is a boundary. She crossed the line. One toe? Just one toe? Yes. Just one toe.

*bam*
He is no longer her customer.

If/when she whines or complains, you tell her that the marriage continued after her adultery on the condition that she conduct herself in ways that protect the marriage. At all times. If you feel vulnerable and unprotected by something she has done, then your call is the one that counts. She should be happy to lose this customer for the sake of assuring you that her intention is to keep you feeling safe at all times.
MY opinion.

Do this immediately. Give the guy a one week notice. No resume.

So I just avoided saying anything except it bothers me and she said she would tell him she couldn't help him. Hopefully that's the end of it.

Is this directed at me?
That's not what I said, at all.

I was just trying to avoid being angry about it with her or lecturing. I said it bothers me, she said she wouldn't do it. I could go on and on about why it bothers me and why it upsets me that she offered in the first place but but I'm not sure I trust myself to go there.

It took my H a couple of years to get the EPs really airtight. His poor boundaries with women were a habit and habits can be changed, but it takes some watching and tweaking.

One of his EPs was "no terms of endearment" with anyone but blood family members. Reading his work email one day about six months out from D-Day, I saw that he had called a colleague "my flower." I called him on it and reminded him of the particular EP that he had already agreed to. At first he defended it, then relented. And has not done that again to my knowledge.

One of his EPs was to always make sure he was at least an arm's length from any woman except blood family members. That one had to be monitored and reinforced as well.

"No conversations with women except as needed to conduct business and then nothing personal." Really bad habit for years and that one took the longest to overcome. But now, two years post D-Day, he seems to really "get it." The EPs have become internalized.

So basically, I'm saying that you just need to inform her of any interaction that finds you feeling threatened and she needs to change that. You may have to add some EPs. They will certainly need to be monitored. And then there's always the POJA. She would never agree to work on a resume, or anything else, without your enthusiastic agreement.

If the poor boundaries have become a habit, keep monitoring and letting her know when the boundary has been crossed. You're right to do it without lecturing or DJ.