So I guess I'm searching for some reassurance that I am NOT CRAZY! A year ago, my husband and I were out for drinks and food with some friends. Having a good time with some friends we had lost touch with over the years. This friend (female) that I am speaking of used to be close. Actually she was the maid of honor at my wedding. We had a falling out some years later. Recently she had lost a bunch of weight and I'm sure she was feeling pretty good about herself.

When we entered dinner, I wondered for a brief second about my husbands seat choice. but soon went on about the night. Then again I noticed she was kind of sitting awkwardly and it just didn't seem right. So I pretended to be getting something from my purse under the table and noticed she had her hand on his leg and he was holding her hand. I didn't blow up, didn't make a scene. In fact I excused myself from the table pretending I had a phone call. I then returned, fetched my purse, whispered in his ear that I was leaving and he needed to find a ride home. He asked why and I told him. Waved to the table and walked out.

Well it's been a year. He has told me that he was texting with her occasionally but was only listening to her complain about her husband (his best friend) I find things like the fact that he has a picture of her in his phone to associate calls from her. The picture associated with me is our children. He says he isn't in contact with her "like that" anymore and I told her that if he had information to share with our family it should come through me ONLY! The husbands play on a basketball team together weekly and she often takes their daughter along to spectate. I don't like taking our boys because these men can get aggravated and they aren't good influences on young men.

I don't know what to do or think. I can;t get over it. I keep thinking what would have happened had I not caught this step. Would they still be texting or her dropping by the office, making dinner dates because the child wants to see "Uncle". I'm assured it's not like that, but why else do you hold hands with someone secretly under a table??


So confused. Everything I see that reminds me of her brings back the emotions. Where we used to shop, where her dad works. Then I have to take my kids to their daughters birthday functions and pretend I'm not crazy.

Nicole,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. The term of what you have seen is an emotional affair. Your husband and former friend have crossed several boundaries. They are communicating in secret, complaining about what is wrong in their marriages.

If you haven't done so already, read the basic concepts on this website. Also, get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair". One of the example couples in the book has an emotional affair in their marriage.

You are not crazy.

AM

Hi nicole.

I suspect that you are being gaslighted...

If you have not already done so, put a keylogger on the computer, spyware on his phone, and a voice activated recorder/GPS in his car.

Do not confront him because it will only alert him to be smarter and make it difficult for you to find out the truth.

In the meantime, read everything on this site starting with the first thread in this forum titled :

[color:#FF0000]Start Here First - Welcome Aboard![/color]<<<<----link


Don't panic. You first have to find out what you are dealing with before you can fix it.

This why I suspect that you are being gaslighted. It makes you doubt yourself and your own judgement.

Did you ever tell her husband about the two of them holding hands under the table?

Sorry you are here but welcome.

The others are correct -- you have been gaslighted.

I have heard Dr Harley tell the story of a wife who walks in on her H with the OW in their bedroom -- she storms out of the house. The husband later convinces her that the OW wasn't even in the bedroom, that there is no A, and that she is confused about what she has seen. If that gives you a clearer picture of how bad waywards can be with the lying and the manipulation.

If they were taking such risks as to hold hands right while you were sitting at the same table, I would go so far as to guess that the affair has gone physical and there is much much more here to be uncovered.

Please do NOT confront your WH. All he will do is deny and try to further gaslight you. Try your hardest to act "normal" and pleasant. The last thing you want is for him to see that you are suspicious and take things further underground. You need to collect the evidence and we will help you with the next steps.

Do you have access to the phone records so that you can see how often and for how long they have been texting/talking? Absolultey agree with the advice to put a VRS/GPS in his car immediately.

Hang in there.

Nicole,

I agree that you need to find out the extent of your husband's connection with this woman. It is very possible, if not likely, that there has been more physical contact beyond the handholding.

Check it out so you know exactly what you are facing.

AM

If they are so bold as to hand hold in public even secretly, that was NOT the first time and the chances that it went far beyond that are huge. The chances that it stopped just because he said it stopped? Pretty much 0%. He's being careful about it, but she is still there in the background. Its time to do some snooping, like the others said.... don't act odd, and do NOT ask him about it. Wait until you have enough evidence that you have no more question.

Welcome to marriage builders. You have come to the right place to tackle this situation.

Your right .. everyone DOES have the own definition.

Dr.Harley spells out the definition in black and white here

What is an affair? --- > http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html

Take a deep breath.. read the article. Keep posting, reading here, and don't tell your hubby you are getting support from this forum yet. SNOOP ... get the goods .. and come back here so we can guide you on your next steps. Be calm .. and do not confront him with anything you find yet.

MNG

nicole, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here.

What have you done to confirm that this affair is dead? I can see that you are still in contact with the AP's family. That won't do. No wonder you feel like you're crazy! That is mental abuse! There should be No Contact with the OW OR her family.

To whom have you exposed this affair? What have you done to confirm that your WH is not in contact with OW?

I suspect that this was/is more than an emotional affair. Please tell us what you have done about this affair.

I did. He thinks I blew it out of proportion. He doesn't think it was a big deal.

How do you confirm? I mean he tells me that its not that way, she swears it never was... Besides follow him around for hours a day and lose my job, I'm not sure what to do...

Read the exposure thread about snooping.

He's counting on you doubting yourself. From now on, you do not discuss this with him, or her.

You read all the appropriate threads on this forum *** click this link ***

VAR voice activated recorder in his car
GPS on his car
hire a PI
put spyware on his computer & phone
look at every phone bill and cash withdrawal

Be stealth.

Does he take his phone to the bathroom?
If you ask to use his phone, does he unlock the code for you or give you the code?

Madam, your husband was holding hands underneth the table with ANOTHER WOMAN. This is a VERY BIG DEAL. Do not let him gaslight you into believing otherwise.

I suspect this affair is still very much on, and has gone underground. Please employ the spying tools that have been suggested to you. WITHOUT his knowledge. If you find somthing, do NOt go to him with the evidence. Come here first so we can help you.

For about $500 you can have a private polygraph performed.
If he has no secrets then your husband would be honored to take one

Please read.

Please Explain Gaslighting

Nicole, I'm sorry you've had cause to make your way here. I'll tell you what to think:

Your husband has been having an affair with her. No, you're not crazy.

What you've described is not merely in the territory of 'Might be an affair," it is dead-center in the middle of 'textbook affair conduct.'

I know this because a little over 4 years ago, I got into an affair myself. This kind of stuff is exactly what happens: The texting/e-mailing without your knowledge; the sharing of confidences about one's marriage; furtive handholding in public places; increasingly feeble efforts to maintain some level of plausible deniability as the affair deepens & turns full-on physical... The fact that he continues to see her regularly, the photo in the phone, all keep her on in his mind. Taking the daughter to see daddy play ball provides a convenient cover-story for them to exchange winks, nods, knowing glances, perhaps even scribbled notes, when her husband is looking the other way...


Of course he won't tell you it was 'that way.' They never do, as long as they think they can make you believe otherwise. Even (best-case) when a person who was in an emotional affair has stopped it, but denies that there was an affair, or denies that there is such a thing as an emotional affair, then this is indicative of a very dangerous lack of boundaries around the opposite sex.

Jedi has correctly advised that you proceed to ask him to take a polygraph. That is an excellent idea, although perhaps not as your immediate next step. To feel confident in whatever your next steps are, given that a year has lapsed, I think you're going to need to gather enough fresh evidence of ongoing surreptitious communication between them in order so that you'll be fully prepared to credibly expose the affair to others if it's ongoing, or to get convincing evidence (as best you can, anyway, for it's hard to 'prove a negative') that they're no longer still in contact. (That evidence of recent contact, or of lack of recent contact, may also help you tailor the polygraph questions most appropriately. )

If you can't afford to discreetly set aside a sum to hire a Private Invesigator (who can handle the snooping for you), then there are tools & methods that you can use yourself, described on the snooping "forum" in the Infidelity section of this site.

Nicole,

Since I'm new here and still going thru the toughest time in trying to repair my marriage after my wife's affair, I will limit my advice to you to only some basics that I have been doing. What kind of a phone does he have? I've been using mspy.com for her android phone and it works great except for emails. I have to monitor those separately. It has a GPS location monitoring piece as well as text messaging monitor. You can record phone calls from specific numbers too. It's not that expensive and the evidence/peace of mind goes a long way to prooving that you're not crazy.

Listen to these folks on this forum. The ONLY way your marriage has a chance is to confront this now. It may/will be an emotional rollercoaster for you over the next few months as you gather evidence and peel back the onion on their relationship. Try not to explode in front of him (do that on here) as that will only drive you two apart more. Keep your head together and prepare for the fight of your life to save your marriage.

Good luck

GO somewhat anticipated in his note my contribution, but maybe as reinforcement, there might be value in this.

Kiddo, full-on,****edit***affairs do not start by two innocent people finding themselves together conveniently naked****edit***

There is a build-up, a seduction, that starts with a glance, a comment, a touch, a phonecall/text.....

Whether or not they have progressed to knocking boots, they have gone waaaaaaaay over the line.

But this is easy to fix. Really easy, actually.

Put together what info you have, phone records, etc, with your personal evidence of the hand-holding, and go present it to her husband, preferably at the basketball game, in front of the whole team (and OW).

Video his reaction. We'll see how much "Nothing at all" this is to HIM!

Then have WH submit to the poly, to get the story you don't yet have!

Make sure not to leave anything out. I also agree with getting a PI to gather more evidence to present for the exposure. Don't hold back any information because you fear for his reputation or any other excuse. I wish you luck and pray for your success. Oh don't get angry either cooler heads prevail.