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I was just trying to avoid being angry about it with her or lecturing. I said it bothers me, she said she wouldn't do it. I could go on and on about why it bothers me and why it upsets me that she offered in the first place but but I'm not sure I trust myself to go there.
No need to be angry. Just fix it.
Did you miss where I suggested telling the guy it was not going to work out and he needs to find other child care? It's not his fault. But he still needs to go. That's something of a strong reminder for your wife never to do that again.
Did you miss where I suggested telling the guy it was not going to work out and he needs to find other child care? It's not his fault. But he still needs to go. That's something of a strong reminder for your wife never to do that again.
I didn't miss it. It just seemed a little over reactive. I can't imagine that looks attractive on a man.
Yes, we have bothe read SAA and HNHN. I am reading through Love Busters. We have also both watched that video.
I totally get how affairs start believe me. And my wife was even advised by Dr Harley himself that she needed to close her love bank to other men. He even identified her as a flirt.
This isn't the first time she has crossed over a boundary, and I do speak up now even though I was afraid to in the beginning, but I always end up feeling like I am overreacting to things. And maybe I am. The truth is I am very sensitive now in a way I never used to be.
Please note how innocent step ONE seems to the person who falls into an affair. Your wife cannot indulge in ANY discussions that veer even slightly away from business when talking to men. That's how most people "fall" and "fail". Step-by-step ..... not a giant plunge.
My husband began his 2 year EA/PA with the baby step of listening to a friend's wife complain about her problems. Now, he goes to AA meetings on a near daily basis. Sometimes, a female from AA wants to talk to him one-on-one after he has been a meeting's featured 'speaker'. He knows this is the road to perdition. He steers her (sometimes not so gently) towards another female AA member. That first step is being "helpful" to a person outside the marriage, in a lot of cases.
This can occur during on-line conversations as well.
How much does your wife know about the baby steps to hell?
Just a few weeks ago, a neighbor came by to pick up his kid as well. (We are friends with the husband and wife and they watch our kids on Fridays so we can go out). He asked if he could borrow my drain snake because his sink was clogged up and he had seen me using it earlier in the week.
I brought it out, and it had the little end of the snake sticking out a bit like a pig tail. He looked down at it and said something like "That reminds me of me" in a self deprecating kind of joke (about his penis size). My wife immediately says to him "Oh I'm disappointed." and laughs. He says, "Yea but I can breathe out of my ears though." implying oral sex.
I'm standing there thinking I can't believe what just happened right in front of me. As soon as he left I told her that kind of thing bothered me, but it's like she doesn't even think anything of it until I said something.
My wife immediately says to him "Oh I'm disappointed." and laughs. He says, "Yea but I can breathe out of my ears though." implying oral sex.
It is unlikely this is the first time they have given themselves permission to talk dirty to each other.
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It's just little stuff here and there.
This little stuff is real and it is important to address.
If my husband made that ear comment to another woman, he'd be finding somewhere else to sleep. I would go to her husband and tell him our spouses were flirting. I'd tell him my husband had one adulterous affair that began with "little remarks".
Here's the thing, you cannot avoid the fact that these behaviors of hers are serious. They are serious. You are not crazy.
I would let the neighbors wife know that you witnessed her husband and your wife trading sexual innuendos with each other. Tell his wife you are concerned because your wife has a history of adultery X2. If neighbors wife has any sense, she will watch HIM like a hawk.
And you tell your neighbor to keep off your property.
Face it. You will need to address this, because apparently your wife is clueless.
Well what am I supposed to do, keep throwing people out? I'd say this ends up happening with just about everybody we come into contact with at some point.
Maybe we need to sit down and go over this together. I need to make this a safe discussion though. She is going to feel attacked and accused I'm sure as that has been the reaction in the past.
Maybe we need to sit down and go over this together.
I support that.
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I need to make this a safe discussion though. She is going to feel attacked and accused I'm sure as that has been the reaction in the past.
Have you ever called the MB radio program? I really don't think explaining this to her will help in the long haul. I'm not so concerned about her reaction. (in fact, I don't give a damn) I am however, deeply concerned about your love bank balance. I think you lose love for her a little at a time. Very dangerous.
I think it would be wise to seek a professional opinion. MB radio.
According to Dr Harley there are *** 4 rules *** to guide marital recovery.
1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. 2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs. 3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention. 4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse.
Obviously your wife violates the first rule. How is she doing in the other three areas?
I'd frame my question to Dr Harley based on his rules for recovery. Just a suggestion.
Maybe we need to sit down and go over this together.
I support that.
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I need to make this a safe discussion though. She is going to feel attacked and accused I'm sure as that has been the reaction in the past.
Have you ever called the MB radio program? I really don't think explaining this to her will help in the long haul. I'm not so concerned about her reaction. (in fact, I don't give a damn) I am however, deeply concerned about your love bank balance. I think you lose love for her a little at a time. Very dangerous.
I think it would be wise to seek a professional opinion. MB radio.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
Maybe we need to sit down and go over this together. I need to make this a safe discussion though. She is going to feel attacked and accused I'm sure as that has been the reaction in the past.
You're not attacking anyone. You're just telling her that this guy makes you uncomfortable and that you'd like her to help you negate this by referring him to another childcare provider.
Anticipating her response, I'd remind you that the reason why you are uncomfortable, no matter how benign or ridiculous it may appear to an outsider, isn't important as it is entirely your prerogative and not for her to question (a DJ). It's that you are uncomfortable that is important and she should be mindful of such things.
In other words, try not to utter "Why do you effing think I'd be upset?" during the conversation. "It just does" is better.
Any negative reaction on her part would merely confirm that she knows what she is doing is wrong.
Maybe we need to sit down and go over this together. I need to make this a safe discussion though. She is going to feel attacked and accused I'm sure as that has been the reaction in the past.
You're not attacking anyone. You're just telling her that this guy makes you uncomfortable and that you'd like her to help you negate this by referring him to another childcare provider.
Anticipating her response, I'd remind you that the reason why you are uncomfortable, no matter how benign or ridiculous it may appear to an outsider, isn't important as it is entirely your prerogative and not for her to question (a DJ). It's that you are uncomfortable that is important and she should be mindful of such things.
In other words, try not to utter "Why do you effing think I'd be upset?" during the conversation. "It just does" is better.
Any negative reaction on her part would merely confirm that she knows what she is doing is wrong.
How's the UA scheduling going?
That's just it. I don't think the guy per se makes me uncomfortable really. It's her actions that make me uncomfortable. It's like this stuff has been going on all along and I'm just noticing it now because of the infidelity.
I also have unpleseant memories. There was this one time, right after D-Day, where we went out together to a concert. It was at this open air type place and they had a bunch of little clubs and bars around.
We went into one of the clubs and one of her coworkers was there at the door working as a bouncer. I remember being introduced and shaking his hand. We didn't stay long, but as we were leaving, she stopped to say something in his ear. I didn't hear what it was, but as we were walking away I asked her and she said "I told him I expected a full cavity search next time." I was floored that she would be so careless of my feelings.
To make it worse, and I didn't know it at the time, but on her last day at work, this guy cornered her in her room, turned off the lights, locked the door, and kissed her saying "I should have done this a long time ago". I didn't learn about that until 3 months later. I don't think she had any interest in the guy but she was obviously leading him on.
I read texts from her saying things to him calling him "baby" and wanting "her bear hugs". Again, I don't really believe she was interested in him, I think she just liked that he was interested in her.
So I've got a lot of this type of stuff built up in me as hurt and resentment. Behavior that I just see as careless. Just like the stuff at the beginning of this thread about texting with that other guy about his birthday.
I wish I could make her see it.
Anyway, the UA time is getting better, although I admit we have not yet made 20 hours of official time. We do spend every minute together though except when we are at work or in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. All of this complaining makes her sound like a really bad person. She isn't. I can tell that she really tries to make it a point to be nice and pleasant with me. She does a lot of things for me and really does care. But this is an area we need to work through and I need to get her to buy in to for both of our sakes. And I also realize I am partly to blame because I have allowed it to happen for years. I just thought I was being a guy who wasn't jealous or controlling. Big mistake on my part.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
*doh*