Hi, I just found this forum today and I'm so thankful that I did. I really need advice from people who have been cheated on or who cheated. I've been dating a guy for the past 5 years and the first 1 1/2 years we were together were very rocky to say the least. We didn't really "date" that often, most of our time was spent at my house two night a week and he was off with his friends the rest of the time. I always wanted more but he said he didn't want a "serious relationship" at the time. We did make an agreement that we would not have sex with anyone else. If we did, then we would end things. Well, I was suspicious of him and looked at his phone one night, 13 months in to the relationship and found him calling/texting other girls. He PROMISED me they were just friends and nothing going on. I never truly believed him... When we hit our 1 1/2 year mark he completely turned around and started treating me like a queen. After 2 years, I decided to get a copy of his phone records (friend that worked for cellphone company) and find out if anything was going on when I suspected it. If it was clean I was going to wholeheartedly trust him and never question him again. Well the phone records were a disaster and all of my suspicions were confirmed. From the time I met him up until 18 months together he was talking to at least 10 other girls and asking them out (remember, we really never went out). He promised me he never slept with anyone else and begged me to not leave him. I stayed and our relationship was wonderful. On our four year anniversary he asked me to marry him. I said yes, but in the back of my mind I always wanted to know if he was "that guy" that I was so afraid he was the first 18 months of our relationship. So...I called the one girl that he talked to the most and yes, they slept together one time and she told me that he called her 3 days later and told her it was a mistake and never talked to her again (phone records confirm her story) and he admitted to "making out" with several other girls. This was around the same time things started improving with us. He now tells me that he realized he loved me and wanted me. I'm so hurt by the years of lies and finding out he was asking other girls out when he never asked me out. All we did back when he "didn't want a serious relationship" was hang out at my house and have sex. I feel like he really didn't like me back then, was always looking for something better, was ashamed to be seen with me...??? every possible scenario has gone through my mind and nothing makes sense. My questions is....If he cheated on me the first 18 months together do you think he would do it again after we are married?

Am I a fool to marry someone that has cheated on me?

Dr. Harley has a book called Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. You should probably read it. (Your fiance takes a "freeloader" approach to your relationship, which means he isn't marriage material.)

If an engagement is like an interview for marriage, he bombed his interview. Don't give him the job of being your husband.

I agree. This man has a freeloader approach. Please read Dr. Harley's book. I actually think this book is great for anyone in a dating relationship.

AM

Thank you so much for your feedback. Since I found out about the girl I have been stuck in the resentment/hate stage. I do feel like I need to add that my friends love this guy. They hate the way he treated me in the beginning but they (and him) have all said that he has done a lot of growing up and maturing over the last three years. I'm not trying to stick up for him in any way shape or form but I just wanted to give you my close friends perspective since they would be the first ones to tell me to leave. I value your opinion and love the honest perspective. Thank you.

Growing up and maturing? Do they know about the girl? They should.

Yes, I have three very close girlfriends that have seen me through this over the past five years. All three love the person he has been over the past three years.

Am I a fool to marry someone that has cheated on me?

Incorrect tense implied in your question, friend. The apt question would be, "Would I be a fool to marry someone that has cheated on me?"

The difference is that you have tentatively proved yourself NOT to be a fool - you had suspicions, investigated, found them to be well-founded, and came here.

Now if you were to proceed with this marriage, then, alas, you would have demonstrated quite clearly that yes, you are a fool.

Now for the ugly part - you have to have done a full STD screen friend, now and in six months. Take whatever engagement jewelry - ring, whatever - you received from Mr Scuzz, sell it, and use the proceeds to cover your medical expenses.

And be sure to check again in a few months as some STDs lay dormant.

The way people here put it is this:

Dating and engagement is a job interview. He has very clearly failed the interview.

Please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Choosing the Right One to Marry #1
Choosing the Right One to Marry #2
Choosing the Right One to Marry #3

OK, I feel like maybe I didn't explain my situation quite a well as I should have. We met 5 years ago and the first 1 1/2 years was rocky because he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship but we had the agreement that as long as we were sleeping together, then neither of us would have sex with anyone else. At the 1 1/2 year mark, right around the time he did have sex with someone else, he stared treating me much different. We finally started to really date and he told me he loved me. At the 2 year mark, I looked up his phone records and discovered the bs going on the first 18 months and told him I was done because I trusted him back then. Since the 18 month mark, there has been no other girl. I'm confident about this because I still have access to all of his phone records, his email password and his facebook password and he has no idea I have the passwords and routinely check up on him. I am just still angry about the first 18 months of our "relationship" and everything was going great between us until he asked me to marry him and I freaked out over the past. My friends tell me he was an "immature little man/child" back then and I have to look at the man he has become and how he has been treating me over the past three years and I can't keep punishing him for something he did so long ago.

So you aren't married yet?

Of course not.
However, you have the responsibility to be particular about the person you marry.

No punishment. Watch/observe/be aware.
You being cautious with your life is not a punishment towards him. If he perceives your caution as 'punishment', it's time to end the dating test.

Wait another 2 years to marry. By that time, you will know.

I think your first post was very clear. Your last post just reiterated your first post. I wonder if you are attempting
to reword your info in order to garner different responses than you have gotten so far?

The bottom line is that you requested that your relationship with your boyfriend be an exclusive one. He chose not to honor that agreement and lied to you to maintain a relationship with you while he dated others.

When you found out about the other women you told him you were done. If that's the case, then why are you still with him?

How has he been treating you?

How old are the two of you?

This thread should be moved to the "Dating and Relationships" section.

Also, why did you have sex with him for a year and a half before he even said he loved you? He wasn't even bothering to take you out on dates; it sounds like he was just using you for sex. You really can't set the bar any lower than "friends with benefits."

He has demonstrated extremely poor boundaries with other women, and a glaring lack of concern for your feelings. He has also proven that he is very good at deceiving you. Why would you want to commit the rest of your life to this guy? Are you already living with him?

I am just now reading buyers, renters and freeloaders. To me this is a classic case of freeloader turned renter and maybe he is wanting to be a buyer???? Not so sure about the advice to ditch. Is who he is now, the man she wants to marry? Is he still the person he was three years ago. Is he willing to practice radical honesty and POJA now? Are you able to move past the resentment.

I would suggest that since you are decidedly unhappy and doubting the relationship at this point, a break up is in order. If you two really are good at meeting each other's needs then I suppose you will reunite soon enough. But since you are having doubts why not explore other relationships to be sure that he is the man you really want?

Mind you, you run the risk of him deciding you are not the one he really wants either, but at this point I guess I do agree with the advice to ditch although for an entirely different reason. Your fiance has not shown you extraordinary care which is why you are here.

I disagree with the notion of dating longer, as it is you have both been renters long enough.

I am just now reading the "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders" book and without a doubt our first 18 months together was probably a classic case of freeloader turned renter turned buyer. If our first 18 months together had never happened I would have thought I had hit the lottery because he has been so good to me since then. When I told my friends I was going to get his phone records they cautioned me....they said I should look at how he treats me now and forget the past. How does he treat me now? He is a perfect gentleman and honestly acts like he worships the ground I walk on. And I don't think if it were an "act" he could keep it up for 3 years without some kind of slip up...especially when I can see all of his calls & email. We do not live together but I have a house and he helps me with all the projects around the house, so he is generous with his free time in helping me out. We are both 32 years old with no children and never been married. I guess the reason I posted my situation was...I'm still angry and resentful deep down inside over our first 18 months. I'm wondering how people who have been cheated on get past the anger or if they ever do?

Lots of men keep up a secret second life for years. Keep snooping, and don't tell people you are snooping.

There is no getting past the anger, precisely, it just gets less as the cheater has actual boundaries and does what they are supposed to have done from the beginning.

Dr. Harley says that if both spouses follow the plan for recovering after an extramarital affair, trust is usually restored in about 2 years. Your situation wasn't an extramarital affair, so that doesn't exactly apply. Regardless, if your fiance had truly been acting like a "buyer" during the past 3 years, I think you would have moved past the anger and resentment by now.

BTW - It's great that you are not living together. Also, your friends gave you terrible advice when they discouraged you from getting those phone records. You were smart to disregard their advice and find out the truth.

"If you fiance had truly been acting like a "buyer" during the past 3 years, I think you would have moved past the anger and resentment by now." JessicaClaire, good point.

To be honest I have been pouring over those phone records the past three years (without him knowing bc I would look like a crazy person). It's like I've become obsessed with it. I look back at dates and times and texts to see what he was saying to me and then who he was calling. I've become obsessive/compulsive about it. One of my good friends tells me that I need to burn the phone records so I can move on. She actually tells me that I will never find a man who will love me and treat me as good as he does. She says that she sees the roles have reversed. He loves me and treats me better than I treat him.

I also believe I need to forgive myself. I have beaten myself up so much over the years for allowing him to do me the way he did in the beginning. I should have put my foot down and didn't.

Have you considered being a caller on the MB radio show? You can email Dr. Harley's wife, Joyce. Just describe your situation and include a phone number so she can get in touch with you. She may invite you to call in during the radio show so Dr. Harley can answer your questions directly. It's probably the best relationship advice you'll ever get, and it's free! They'll even send you a complimentary book for being on the show.