Good question, North. FTF, how are you going to change things up? What effort do you plan to make to change the status quo on your UA time?

Well, apparently she doesn't want to spend time with me or even be around me so this will make it more challenging. I really don't think I'm that unpleasant but maybe it's me.

Why do people say war is hell and never say war is a picnic?

Did we lose you, buddy?

No I am still here and working on things. Not sure what to comment on, so I am keeping my mouth shut.

Hi FTF update? Are you upping the ante in the affection department?

I try my best. I really do make a conscious effort to meet her needs as often as I can. I know I'm not perfect, but I think about it all of the time.

I really don't think she is all that interested. She has closed herself off to me and it's all under the banner of "I've never been sexually attracted to you".

It really seems like she simply isn't into me. She wants to be 'not' divorced. That is different from being focused on making a good marriage.

Of course she's not interested! If she was, y'all wouldn't be here, would you?

If only there was a way to make her more interested....

Your plight, and what you are hearing from her, is pretty typical given the state of affairs here. Actually, your case is BETTER than many because your wife is still there!

Dare I ask about UA time?

Ok, here's the deal, FTF.

If things don't change, you're going to get so burned out that you just give up on all of this and file for divorce. And that's a shame, because I doubt that either you or your wife are comfortable with only seeing your children 50% of the time.

Ask yourselves this:

1. Are you both ok NOT seeing your kids whenever you want?
2. Is your wife ok with your kids calling some other woman mommy?
3. Are you ok with your kids calling another man dad?
4. Is your wife ok with not being with the kids on Christmas or Thanksgiving or on birthdays because it's your day?

Probably not, I'd imagine, but that's exactly the kind of crap that accompanies divorces. So, it would seem prudent for both of y'all to bust your asses trying to make this thing work.

Wouldn't you think?

True, the BH tends to have to pull the weight at first but, eventually, your wife is going to have to sign on as well instead of sitting on the sidelines lamenting things in the past that neither of you can do a damned thing about today. You both screwed this thing up, you're both at fault for letting things get so lousy, so now it's time to do something about it.

Wake up. Your oldest is watching and is using you guys as examples of how a marriage works. I think you're a good guy, FTF, and hate to see you go down this road that your on. But it's starting to look like us strangers on the internet care more about your marriage than you do.

Why do I think that you're stuck? Because I don't think that you're making the time for you and your wife. Because I think that you're still in your "parenthood" rut that most of us get into and don't know how in hell to get out of it. Because I think that you're getting so tired of being tired and getting nothing in response from your wife that you're running out of steam and seriously thinking of calling it quits and divorcing her. Because I bet you ponder divorcing her at least a dozen times a day.

And that's certainly your prerogative, and none of us would blame you for walking away from this marriage after the adultery cesspool that you've had dumped on you. But if you want this to succeed, and I think that you want to want it to, then this isn't going to fix itself and you're both going to HAVE to put the time in to give this a go.

Both of you need to either sh*t or get off the pot, in other words.

And if any of this post pisses you off, then those are the areas that you need to really focus on. Most BH's on this forum would kill to be in your shoes.

I spend as much time with her as she will agree to. I take her out as often as she will agree to. What more can I do? I can't force it on her.

We even signed up for a membership at the YMCA this weekend because she suggested it might be a good idea to walk together for lunch every day.

That she did that is a great start.

You guys could really use a vacation, leaving the children with grandparents or whoever.

Hey, she does do something every once in a while. Just enough to string me along a little further. It's like throwing out crumbs, and I keep eating them thinking there will be a loaf of bread at the end, but it's never there.

It's like I said (and you said in so many words), she wants to be 'not' divorced. That's it.

She is willing to be pleasent to be around, but really that's just her being dishonest about her true feelings.

I don't think it's me.

The trail of crumbs can be leading to a loaf or leading away from the loaf.

If you want guarantees that you are walking toward the loaf there is none. So stop walking then. Choice is yours. Though by walking you will find out sooner which way you are really going because the crumb trail will end at the loaf or just end.

Do you know why this was copy and pasted?

"BH - me (37)
WW - her (37) - feuillecouleur
Married June 24, 2000
DS 5 yrs
DD 2 yrs
D-Day 1: Sept 11, 2011, 11 month PA.
D-Day 2: Oct 17, 2011
She left her job Dec 17, 2011.
Found her secret email account Feb 22, 2012.
More TT about second OM, EA.
NC since
No real plan up till finding MB, Jan 2013."

Because you have not really started recovery till you found MB, January 2013. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year trip.

FTF,

Because you have not really started recovery till you found MB, January 2013. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year trip.

I would tack on 1 year because of the horror endured for a long time after the affair was discovered and before he found MB. This isn't such bad news however as most marriages NEVER EVER recover from infidelity, but yours has a chance.

Most marriage counselors advise the betrayed spouse to pull the pin swallow the grenade and continue on as if they were never wounded.

God Bless
Gamma

Isn't that the truth! It would be nice to just escape for a bit.

I know mine still has a chance. I just get discouraged. It's been a long time. I know I didn't start implementing the MB principles until recently. I really wish I would have followed them from the beginning. Lost time and all that.

I wish I would have been a better student in high school. Don't do me much good now, though. But, I have a college degree and a professional license... so my coulda, woulda, shouldas didn't stop a high school dropout and teen parent from improving the present and garunteeing the future.

She wants to be "not divorced?" That's not a wall, sir. That's a door.

I suppose the plan A analogy where the BS keeps throwing pebbles into the river is appropriate here. Just keep meeting needs... it will eventually add up.... keep making LB deposits till you reach threshold.

Good luck.

So....are you going to make this happen?

The suggestion wasn't tongue-in-cheek.

I like the pebble example that Betrayed mentioned. You just need to pick up a big shovel full of gravel, though.