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I don't see anything here that would reassure me he is not still having an affair. What has changed? NOTHING. He can still contact her from work all day, right? So nothing has changed. Once again, he won't meet your conditions so this is hopeless. He is not in a position to negotiate the nc letter or his job. By staying in that job you know he can have affairs so I don't understand why you would defend this. He said he would do the MB method and even mentioned my massive wothdrawls i was making. YOU are making "withdrawals" from him? Are you serious? This is what he said to you? You can see that he is not serious. My suggestion to you would be to go back home to your parents, file for divorce and go into Plan B. There is nothing here, my dear. Your H is not willing or serious about recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think your husband is lying to you and probably comes from a culture of adultery which is why adultery is supported by his family.
For your own health you should enter into plan B.
Do you have someone that can act as an intermediary between you and your husband?
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He said he would do the MB method and even mentioned my massive wothdrawls i was making. YOU are making "withdrawals" from him? Are you serious? This is what he said to you? Thanks for highlighting this Mel. I was so astonished that I was not sure I read it correctly. WHAT THE HELL ????????
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There is nothing here indicating her WS is serious about recovery. Saying he is "committed to MB" and doing nothing to change the conditions that led to his MULTIPLE AFFAIRS is meaningless. Talk is cheap.
The only way to save this marriage is through dramatic, radical changes in his lifestyle. There is no plan for that here.
Welcome to your future, mommy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You need to do this for your kids too.
They need a mom that is healthy and happy.
They do NOT need to be raised in a culture of adultery.
How do you want them to view relationships as adults?
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M, your husband is a playah who is just throwing you enough crumbs to keep you around as an option. That is not a marriage. It is an abusive, sick situation will only destroy your emotional and physical health.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't see anything here that would reassure me he is not still having an affair. What has changed? NOTHING. He can still contact her from work all day, right? So nothing has changed.
Once again, he won't meet your conditions so this is hopeless. He is not in a position to negotiate the nc letter or his job. By staying in that job you know he can have affairs so I don't understand why you would defend this. I should have remembered this position and the post yesterday from Mel before I made my own post about Plan B-ing his family. Mel is right - you have no business thinking of reconciling with your H's current mindset. All the other stuff you keep posting about, such as BIL, is irrelevant. Your H is still in his affair and sees no reason why he should stop it.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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, i reminded him about the no contact letter and said he doesnt understand its concept fully so wants to read why its crucial. I told him its important because if she continues contact we can geta restraining order. He is so un-serious that he won't even go through the MOTIONS of pretending like he has ended contact by writing a letter. It would be too much work for him to do that. This is not a sign of radical and dramatic changes. This is a sign of someone who doesn't give a crap and has no intention of changing. He throws you just enough crumbs to keep you around as an option.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks. I will give it a day or two to kind od collect myself then talk to him about it. In the heat of the conversation yeaterday i mentioned plan B-ing him until BIL comes to his senses but he said no way.
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In the heat of the conversation yeaterday i mentioned plan B-ing him until BIL comes to his senses but he said no way. You are making this very difficult for yourself. Please, take this the right way .... just be quiet. Be still. You allow your emotions to wind you up, twist your guts into a pretzel and wonder why you aren't getting any traction in your life. then talk to him about it No more pointless "conversations" with stupid-head. You cannot turn him in the right direction with words. So (gently as possible) muzzle your mouth. Arguing with stupid-head will only give you a head ache. Time to step away from your emotions and IN WRITING (here on yourMB thread) develop a plan of action, not conversations.
Last edited by Pepperband; 03/08/13 01:33 PM.
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Oops responded too quickly and didnt see page7 of responses.
I know you guys are right, it's very hard accepting we are at the end. I guess I just don't understand whatto ask him for. I can't ask him to quit his job as our livelyhood would be destroyed. Wouldn't even have a home to live in without his job and the money he makes to pay for it. My side work and lack of a sitter makes it financially difficult to do on my own.
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Thanks. I will give it a day or two to kind od collect myself then talk to him about it. In the heat of the conversation yeaterday i mentioned plan B-ing him until BIL comes to his senses but he said no way. No - don't talk to him about it. Did you see my post where I retracted that advice? Do what MelodyLane said and file for divorce. Then you can Plan B your H AND his brother without anyone's agreement. Your H is an unfit husband and father right now. Do not think of reconciling or speaking to him about the future until he comes hat in hand begging you to take him back, promising anything you want - after he proves that he is NC with OW. File for divorce. Find a lawyer and meet him or her first thing next week. You must get financial support for you and your kids.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I already filed for divorce early Dec. He just hasn't been served yet. Guess it is time.
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Oops responded too quickly and didnt see page7 of responses.
I know you guys are right, it's very hard accepting we are at the end. I guess I just don't understand whatto ask him for. I can't ask him to quit his job as our livelyhood would be destroyed. Wouldn't even have a home to live in without his job and the money he makes to pay for it. My side work and lack of a sitter makes it financially difficult to do on my own. He might not be able to quit right away, but the discussion needs to be about finding a career where he can't continue to be a playah. For example, I would look at businesses where you can work together all day or he can work at home. In the meantime, he would need to make his life SO TRANSPARENT at work that you can watch him all day long where ever he is. And he should absolutely have NO leisure time away from you. But since he is not even remotely serious about affair proofing your marriage, the above is a moot point. The above would apply in the case of recovery, but he is not willing to recover. He is not serious.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How else can I prove there is no contact? Phone records, FB, email amd phone are clean. I do assume because of BILs disrrspect that they pass messages through him...if he writes a No Contact letter and I mail it...then what?
Speaking of, she recently moved, one of her many new "public" posts. I have her old address, hopefully it will be forwarded?
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Thanks. I will give it a day or two to kind od collect myself then talk to him about it. In the heat of the conversation yeaterday i mentioned plan B-ing him until BIL comes to his senses but he said no way. Plan B is not something you should EVER mention to him. Plan B means going into a separation that is initiated by a Plan B letter. I would give him your conditions and tell him if he can't meet your conditions, then he needs to leave and you will be separating. That is all you should say.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How else can I prove there is no contact? ASK HIM. How will HE prove it? Of course, that is not the issue. That is just ONE OW. What about the next OW? And the next? And the next? Will sending letters out to all of them solve the problem? no, it will not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I already filed for divorce early Dec. He just hasn't been served yet. Guess it is time. Yes. It is PAST TIME. I would make plans to move on. He has not done anything to demonstrate he is serious about recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Im at my breaking point. We do have a pending divorce in that i just need to have him served.
I feel I will never be able to trust him and even when i came back with all intentions on making it work and starying fresh i feel like he is repeating the cycle. He said himself tonight that he did nothing wrong and that he doesnt consider any of these women relationships, even the woman i mentioned above who he saw for aboit 4 months.
I need help. Im ready to book a fligjt and leave tomorrow because he shows zero remorse. You are spinning your wheels, mommy. This excerpt is from your initial post...read it and then read it again. What are you holding onto?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks. I will give it a day or two to kind od collect myself then talk to him about it. In the heat of the conversation yeaterday i mentioned plan B-ing him until BIL comes to his senses but he said no way. Plan B is not something you should EVER mention to him. Plan B means going into a separation that is initiated by a Plan B letter. I think you meant that you mentioned to your H Plan B-ing your BIL and your H said "no way" - but Mel is right. Do not use the term Plan B to him for any reason, and while we're on the subject. do not mention that you are posting to this forum, and do not let him see your history on the PC. Keep this place and concepts such as "Plan B" away from him. While he is wayward he is your enemy, and you need to protect yourself from him. Don't let him see your strategy.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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