Yes i meant plan B my BIL. I didn't say Plan B, I judt said no contact until he proves he is supportive of the marriage. He said that is his brother, no way. His brother said that he is an ally to our marriage but doesn't want to get involved. He said if he deletes her, then what, the next time I don't like someone he has to delete them too? I DO understand his perspective however this means our involvement with him will cease.

The fact that he would even associate with a hoe who almost destroyed his brother's marriage speaks to his CHARACTER.
And the fact that your H wants to stay in touch with him speaks to HIS character and commitment to his marriage.

Word...

Also please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

WH said he would write the NC letter. Our copy of the book still hasn't arrived and I remember there being an example letter there. There are also several posted here on the forum. All seem fairly generic, is there a reason they aren't personalized?

Neither of us knows her current address...she recently moved, all I can hope is that she has mail forwarding.

Read it BrainHurts. I suppose we are both in renter mode? I considered myself buyer mode but maybe I'm not? It says you can't make demands but isn't that essentially what I'm doing when I demand his passwords, phone records, no contact with any OW, demanding a no contact letter and demanding we spend more time together to focus on the marriage? Maybe I'm missing the message?

The conditions for recovery after an affair(s) are non negotiable. He either does them or he gets out.

You mentioned he will be doing the nc letter. What about all the other conditions? When will he be ending his affair?

He already ended the affair on the 16th and as far as I can tell from snooping therehas been zero contact. Unless he bought a pay as you go phone or is going through his brother but even contact with him has been limited.

The only contact has been from her friend sent dlirectly to me on FB. And her obsessive commenting on BILs FB but BIL is in refusal to delete her even thoigh it was WHs idea and request,BIL says "because he isn't involved and she has done nothing personal to him".

I would view the OWs friends comments as evidence of a continued affair until he proves otherwise. Until he proves he is not having an affair, I would assume he is having an affair. You don't have any way of knowing what he does at work. Your H was also courting his coworker so there is another opportunity for an affair.

They have phones where he works, right?

How do I prove it has ended then? I have done all the snooping, he is going to write a no contact letter...he made plans to go to a basketball game but cancelled when I said no... I am not seeing what else I can do because he doesn't work with the co worker (she works above him and in a different area). And as far as the OW, she lives in a different state and his phone and everything is clean? He publicly acknowledged the affair and asked for forgiveness on FB (even called her out by name) then blocked and deleted her.

I am not sure what else I can do or ask him to do? You say he needs to end the A but there is no evidence beyond a catty woman and an obsessed OW

Even though he has zero credibility I think this friend is just being a psycho trying to stir the pot just because she can.

So again, not sure what my next step is because technically he has agreed to do everything you have advised.

BUT, she has much more credibility than your husband. My point that I have made all along is that in order to recover your marriage, your husband has to make a radical, 180 degree change in his behavior. That has not happened, which means there will be more affairs. Are you ok with that?

Has agreed to send a nc letter but is still able to contact her all day long from work. Has not sent the letter - so far this is just empty talk.


Cancelled one outing but has not agreed to stop going out without you.


Has not exchanged phones or done anything else.


Nothing here.


Jury is out on this one.



No sign of this yet.


Nothing

So exactly WHAT has your husband done? I see nothing here.

mommy, how old are you and WH?

I have to head out...

In the first few pages of this thread, unwritten posted some good stuff to you about serial cheaters and it seems like you glossed over acknowledging anything she wrote with the exception of answering which MB book you ordered. You did this sort of thing with other posters as well. Mel had to ask you if you read what she posted to you because again it seemed like you glossed over her posts. You said you read her post (and maybe you have read all posts) but I don�t get the feeling you are really grasping what posters are saying to you and are more focused on the mechanics of the program.

Recovery is hard when there is one affair...you have multiples. I also noticed you had two children with your WH before you were married. Who wanted to get married? You may have become a buyer at one time (and want to be one now) but your WH has NEVER been a buyer and still isn't. I still don�t see where your WH has stepped up to do anything. This does not bode well especially for a serial cheater. You should not have to drag him along...and I would advise that you don�t.

Have you read anything about serial cheaters? You are so focused on this one woman that I wonder if you realize that if it�s not THIS hooch it will be another soon enough. Do you understand the level of EPs that will have to be in your marriage? EPs will have to go above and beyond the �standard� cheater. Are you willing and prepared to live like that? The bar has to be set ultra high. Please think about this. Band aids do not work.

I have read everything and some stuff I dont know how to respond to. I focus on this woman because she is what is happening now. I don't really think dwelling on the past will change or help it. I want to take the situation for what it is now, knowing the past and history, and make it better here on out. Knowing how many times he slept with a woman or knowing if it wa s 1 OW or 20 OW isn't going to change the fact that I already know he is a (serial) cheater.

I also do not want to spend the rest of my life babysitting him 24/7 to make sure he doesn't cheat and I don't understand why anyone else would either. What if *I* want to be alone? If I walk away to have alone time and he starts cheating again then it would show he wasn't dedicated, bit this could happen to anyone, even those who have already recovered because ultimately we cannot control other people, eventually you have to decide to trust some again right? Not saying I trust WH but he has done everything you guys said minus quitting his job (which I will not ask him to do) and changing his phone number or phone doesn't mean they still can't contact each other. I mean you guys are basically saying he cannot take a crap without me watching...what kind of life is that?

He wrote out a NC letter, he copied a standard letter found here and included that she cease all contact with his family, told her to stop any contact via friends on her behalf and to never speak to speak to him again. Said much more formally of course...I mailed the letter. I asked for advice 2x regarding NC letter and you guys blew me off. He agreed to a polygraph and have one scheduled for next weekend (soonest available). I think its a waste of money because I already know he is a serial cheater but its what yoh guys keep pushing for.

I even added spyware to his phone (he does not use a computer) and used a irecovery stick which also shows zero contact.


Im taking it the only way he can prove he isn't seeing her or anyone else is for him to quit his job, for us to go into forclosure, lose the kids private schooling, get on welfare and move into a small apartment bc that would be about all we could afford from my work from home online business...

But thats the thing, he has made a 180 compared to how he was even 30 days ago. Hes different now and agreeing to do all of these things when in the past, with other affairs, he wouldn't.
A couple years ago when I brought up SAA and tried to have him read, write NC, give me records he said NO. So i left...this time around he has done everything I have asked.

Oh and someone asked. I am 29 and he is 35. He pushed for marriage, I was hesitant because of the cheating but he assure me that marriage would be how he proves his love and dedication to me and his family....went so well, right?