JSA

You came to a forum owned and operated by Dr. Harley.
This is not a "free-for-all" forum where all approaches to marriage/adultery/recovery are treated equally.
You will get "schooled" about the steps Dr. Harley recommends.
That is a fact.

The BEST advice you can take is mine .... Make it your business to "get schooled" from Dr. Harley himself. Buy his book SAA. Understand the underlying principles behind all the repetitive advice we dish out. Your marriage is in deep doo-doo. Time to take definitive steps to make things better. Time to do the footwork and develop your OWN understanding of Dr. Harley. You cannot expect the rest of us to spoon feed you everything. That is unfair to us, but more importantly it is not a very good way for YOU to learn & understand Dr. Harley.

We are not a cult. What we are is a community of (mostly) like-minded people who are all learning and prospering from Dr. Harley's generous advice.

Many people make the mistake of arriving onto the forums completely lost and yet somehow manage NOT to read the basic principles, NOT download the FREE questionnaires, and NOT take advantage of the FREE radio advice that is available. Please, do not be one of those people. OK?

My wife & I have had some problems, as you can see from my history here. I realize half has to be my fault, right?
We just can't stop bickering over the smallest crap though. We fight because I speak to her in a tone she doesn't like, then she's upset, then I'm upset, then we're arguing about everything we've ever done to each other.
How can we stop all this? Is there a book besides SAA that deals with bitching at each other all the time? Because in the in between times it's all lovey dovey & making up & going to church & marriage seminars and it just doesn't seem like we should be fighting all the time.

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

You are right! I have not read your history yet, but you and your wife have instincts which cause you to fight. When you fight, you are both lovebusting. The book by Dr. Harley is called Lovebusters and I promise that it contains straightforward explanations of the bad habits which cause you to fight and destroy your love for each other.

I'm surprised that you have a history here and haven't seen the Basic Concepts. Why not take the site tour and read some articles? You also definitely need the book Lovebusters.



Didn't Quit

Lovebusters

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Your wife seems to have started an emotional affair with you while married to her last husband. She then started an affair with him while married to you.

Have you dealt with this affair yet? Has all contact between them ended? Has the affair been exposed, as we told you to do?

Marriages that begin from affairs tend to be characterised by conflict, which is caused by the selfishness that allowed the affair to reach marriage in the first place.

Marriages where an affair occurred but was never properly dealt with, and recovery never properly accomplished, are unhappy also.

You need to follow Dr Harley plans to end the affair and begin a programme of recovery, which needs to be worked on for life.

JSA's first thread

I couldn't get the thread to work so I am posting it again.

JSA's First Thread

I don't know. Please tell me how to help her realize boundaries.

Thank you. This is the best advice I've yet gotten.

What are NC, JCs and EPs?

Please read these:

How an Affair Should End (NC - No contact)

Can't we just Forgive and Forget (Just Compensation)

Extraordinary Precautions

The first 2 links are from the Articles section. Have you read any of the articles involving infidelity?

JSA,

There is a tremendous amount of "Fog" that we all suffer in the beginning. This fog will be thick with WW, and a little less thick for you (hopfully). The advice here, in the beginning, is to help you clear this fog and think clearly and methodically, about saving your marriage. Some of it seems to go against your better judgement, but guess what... You're in a fog and your judgement is not good right now. The vets on this site think very clearly and they have the benefit of YEARS of experience helping with the MB principals that have a very high % of saved marriages. Stop getting offended and start moving forward.

The abbreviations you're seeing can be deciphered here
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1984040#Post1984040

If you're strong and willing to fight to the death for your marriage you can have happiness beyond your dreams... If you follow the advice given here. You're here because you want this advice, in fact, you need it. Now take the gloves off and start fighting the right way. I look forward to hearing about your restoration in the days/months to come.

You have to (with our help) define them for her, monitor her respect for them, and hold her fully accountable for any breaches of them.

This will possibly require you to be a mean old [censored]. Someone has to be strict and rigorous in this matter, and until now WW has shown no inclination to assume that outlook.

Can you be that person?

Definitely. I'm going to get started reading SAA & HNHN.

Yes, I've read most of the articles on this site, which is why I think I haven't bought the books yet. I'm going to start that now.

Thank you. I'm still the one doing most of the fighting, but I think she's at a place where we can start reading together. She wants to do the "Love Dare", but hasn't followed through. Anyway, I think the books suggested will be a good start.

And know that I do take all of this advice to heart, but I will continue to act offended when someone throws false accusations in my face. Many of you are pretty harsh, so if you can dish it, you should take it...

It sounds like you've been bringing up her exH for over a year now, is that correct? You shouldn't still be bringing this up. What is causing you to do so? Do you suspect they may still be in contact?

What have you done to ensure that there has been no contact with her ex? Are their children in contact with him? Are they talking to your WW about him? That is contact, which will keep you triggered.

How much time are you spending together without the kids?

You are bickering about everything because the two of you are not in love. To be in love she must spend 15, or better 20-25 hours a week with you. You can get a babysitter for the baby.

Did her contact with her ex end? Did she implement extraordinary precautions so that this will not happen again? Did she make it up to you (just compensation) or is she still entitled?

Also, it takes two to fight. If you are involved in 'bitching' with her, you should think about changing that.

You can of course bring the affair up as often as you like....

That is,
1. if you want her to think about her ex-husband all of the time.
2. if you want her to feel like strangeling you to shut you up (which, by the way, will cause love bank withdrawals - to both sides if she follows up on the strangling)
3. if you want to spend your life feeling miserable
4. if you want to keep the memory of the affair fresh

Then, bring it up every day, or better, multiple times a day.

If you would like to forget it, then train yourself to stop thinking about it. As soon as you are thinking about it, start thinking about something else. If you think about somthing for more then two minutes, you will feel the feelings that are associated with that. Good recipe for feeling miserable all the time. And then, you don't need to ask why the two of you are bickering all the time. You have your answer right there.