Am I allowed to say I am disappointed that my wife abandoned her thread?

Yes, that's unfortunate.

How are things?

Just ok. I am trying my best to do my part to spend time together but I don't see any real results yet.

I don't get a lot of feedback either. Well, none really. I was learning more about her feelings from her thread than I am able to find out on my own. I just can't ask the same questions that a third party can.

I'm also having a lot of trouble being intimate with her. I think it is because SF just ends up being an in your face reminder of her not wanting me (ever). It really just makes me want to avoid it all together, but that doesn't seem healthy either.

You have two children, so I'd assume that she was into you at some point. No?

You know, I don't think that's proof of anything. She wanted a baby, that I'm sure of.

I remember the first kid, she said "I want a baby so bad I can't stand it." I even remember her saying to me one time that "if we weren't going to have children then we might as well get divorced." Her clock was ticking, and I remember for the first time ever her initiating with me so she could get pregnant. Once that happened, she went back to not wanting it.

The second child was an "accident". When she found out she was pregnant with that one, she said to me "But we never even do it! How can I be pregnant?" Then she went and started up an A.

So no, I don't feel really good about the fact that she wanted me at some point just because we have children.

I know you are trying to make me feel better and give me some hope, and I do appreciate it.

How's that vacation planning going?

How are you doing in the LB department?

I floated the idea of getting away for a few days. She seems agreed we could do it. We went to see grandma and grandpa this weekend. They expressed interest in keeping one of the kids, so I think that will be a good option. just need to find a place for the smallest one.

We haven't talked about where we would go yet.

On the LB. I'm so afraid of saying something wrong that I just shut up most of the time. I find that all I want to talk about is the relationship, but she is happiest not talking about it at all, so I have a hard time being interesting because my mind is so preoccupied with all of this mess.

Then get to working on who can keep the youngest one. Come up with a plan and present it to her.


If you ever get this UA thing fixed and are still reporting her disinterest, I'd then ask you what your exit strategy is here. That is, how long are you going to stay married to this woman? This isn't marriage at all costs.

I'm going to assume that she's reading your thread, but keep an eye out for contact with OM.

Here is something that kind of bothers me...and I find a little strange.

She has never looked up any of my threads or posts ANYWHERE that I've posted. At least as far as I can tell.

I find it strange because I could never do that. I want to know what the heck she is thinking if nothing else! It does come accross to me as disinterested, but maybe that's the way I would have been pre-A too. IDK.

How is your IC with her?

Your affection? What are her top ENs? What are you doing to fill them?

Fight, you need to keep the momentum going on this idea. Put the kids to bed, pull out your laptop and sit with WW to brainstorm ideas on where you would like to go. Make a list. Google the places and read together about them. Build enthusiasm about this idea and make plans!

FTF,

"But we never even do it! How can I be pregnant?"

Are you sure your 2nd child is yours, because if your WW is still hiding some huge secret you will never recover no matter how much you work at it.

Did you ever confront the OM? It just sounds like your WW has a real lack of respect for you. Her attitude on the MB radio program was jocular like she was laughing at you.

God Bless
Gamma

She listed her top needs as IC, FC, and AD.

Specifically?

Well, for IC, I make it a point to engage her every afternoon when I get home about how her day was. We talk about the children and things that they do often. (This is the easiest conversation we have). Whenever we are together I start something up about anything. I try to look for reasons to talk with her. Sometimes it is when we are with the kids, but I try to get it in whenever I can.

For family time, I come home every day and play with the children. Especially when she is cooking dinner so they will leave her alone. I put the youngest to bed every night. I take every opportunity to go with them when the are going somewhere. For example, this past Saturday, she wanted to take them to the park. I had something else I was planning to do but I dropped it to go to the park with them. I also tried to get in some IC and AF and whatever else I coulkd get into that day but the kids kept going in different directions. ha!

For AD, I look for opportunities to compliment her. For example, she colored her hair last weekend and I've made many comments since about how good it looks and how I like the color. (I do!) I also notice when she curls it up and it looks nice. Another example is I compliment her on how good the meal is that she cooks. Like last night, she just made up something and I told her how good she was at coming up with something and how good it was.

I'm really sure. I did not have a test done, but she has offered several times. The child does look exactly like our other child at that age. I don't think that's the secret, but my gut does say there may be something else. But then again that could just be because of the way she acts that makes me wonder. IDK.

Oh and yes I did confront the OM via phone. At the time, my strategy was to threaten him with exposure to his W if he didn't leave mine alone. That was abotu a month after D-Day. I did not tell my wife about it at the time. She was left wondering why he stopped coming by to see her.

Later on, I ended up telling his W anyway because I thought it was the right thing to do. That was about 6 months afetr D-Day though. Better late than never I guess. About 6 months after that, they moved away to another state.

Well if it looks like the other child that is good. But it would be better if it looked like you.

Why not get certainty?

What is the purpose of getting "certainty" ? This child is FtheF's, he was there at his birth, he has raised him, he loves him, and he is sure he is of his own blood. What would getting "certainty" change? I'm sorry, I just don't want that child to be looked upon differently because someone placed a seed of doubt in his father's head.

What if you said 'yes' to her offer? The offer, in itself, is kind of odd so her response would be telling.

Kits are, I'm sure, available by mail should you change your mind.

I totally agree with you Rocketqueen. That's how we see it in our family too.

The only reason would be, that total honesty is important in a marriage and if FTF's wife is possibly withholding information about the extent of the affair, then that is damaging to the marriage. Also, FTF is in the difficult position that he is fighting for his marriage with his wife semi-on board and it is in his best interest to know everything so that he can make informed decisions.

I would recommend a polygraph then, to be sure FTF has the whole truth. Make a list of questions for WW to answer and then have the polygraph guy ask if she was truthful in her answers to them. FTF, any ideas what you think she is NOT being truthful about?

FightThe Fight, my thinking as far as the question of DD's paternity is if you went ahead and did the paternity test, and found she wasn't your biological chld, would it change anything?

Well, it's not odd in context. I'm the one who originally suggested it might be necessary. This was back when I found out about her secret email account and was considering leaving.