It has been nearly two years since DDay, and things are going well for us. There is an issue that I puzzle over, so I thought I'd seek advice about it here.

My wife has a strong desire to forget all about her affair. She sometimes says things to me, mostly when showing me affection, that are inconsistent with the known fact that she had the affair. Things like "you have always been the only one for me." I try to take these at face value and try not to think about it too much, but it can bother me none the less. I want openness and honesty. In her defense, I don't think she is being dishonest. I think she wants so badly to forget that she is constructing an alternative past in her head. She has said stuff to me about not really believing it all actually happened.

My approach so far has been to keep my mouth shut. It seems to be bringing up the affair and lovebusting to do otherwise.

So, does anyone have a different recommendation?

Hi there,

I don't have any advice other than to live what is today for you and your wife, I also go through a little of that feeling when my husband says things like that and my first instinct is to say that isn't true the "always part". It bugs me, I think he should just add except when I was being an idiot during the affair.......It is momentary for me as I just think of the day we are having and the new relationship we are having....
I would rather have the truth at all times, I don't think they do it on purpose I think they just feel grateful their stupidity didn't ruin it for them.....
My husband now says he was just and idiot and it doesn't even make sense to him what kind of man he allowed himself to be.......
They are grateful to us for the chance to save themselves, they want to forget that time of stupidity themselves......
Sometimes in a different setting I just say I want the truth no matter what now, even if it stings a little......across the board.........my husband now follows it up with apology for the hurt his actions and dishonesty caused me and our marriage.
It takes a long time to get it all to feel normal again to believe it all again....
keep hanging in there.........

While courting me, Mr Pep used the phrase my "one and only" a lot. We had "My One And Only" etched on our wedding goblets. Mr Pep would write that on his Valentine card to me.

Well, after D day, I refused to allow him to say it. It had a definite false ring to my ears. A painful ring to my ears.

Now? I love it when he says that.
Give it time. You will see that I am correct.

Congratulations on 2 years! VICTORY.

on 2 years!!

I know you are correct.

Maybe characterizing my wife's thinking as an alternative reality is unfair. The affair seems like worlds away from where we are now to me, too.

hi mr. congrats on the 2 years! but as you can feel, 2 years is still relatively "fresh." i, too, felt the way you did. inside my head a little voice would say, "give me a break" at those kinds of expressions from my H.

but now, several more years down the line, i have reclaimed those words for myself. you will be able to do so as well. i don't mean that to sound patronizing - you really will be able to accept that your W loves YOU, just you. you know that saying, "time heals all wounds?" i used to think that was a bunch of crap. and it is, IF the couple are not working to build a great M. time, combined with MB, will heal your heart. even that nasty little voice deep inside that's not ready just yet.

MrE, I think what is happening is your wife is now in the fog -- with you!!! This is a good thing. The fog of her emotions for you has rolled in, thanks to the good job you have been doing, and now it "feels like" you've always been the one, you were made for each other, God led you together, etc. This is the kind of thing somebody says when they are in love.

And I think Pepperband is right that, with time, it will feel right to you for her to say this.

mrEureka,

Besides the two affairs, did your W have a habit of lying about other thing during your marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

I wouldn't say she has a habit of lying at all. I don't think she is lying about anything now. Lies are very much out of character for her. The affairs were out of character, too. My wife is really a very nice person.

MrE,

OUCH! Your note brought back some memories that I wish I could bury! Memories of MY post-A behavior.

For a year or so, when Bride would say, "I love you!", I would answer, "I love you, too - just a little bit more!" Every time.

It did FINALLY get through the dense orb atop my shoulders that what I was doing with those little needles was incenting her NOT to profess her love for me. Bright move, NG!

The first time after this epiphany that I said in reply, "I love you,to - and always will!", Bride cried for over an hour.

You are not being as overtly crass as was I, friend, but the self-defense impetus is the same, and cuts you off from her the same, and you should stop it. Accept that MrsE is now fully aware that, whatever the history, you were/are/will be the one for her. You'll be better able to receive her words of endearment and affection without parsing them for nuance, inflection, and possible inaccuracy.

As pepperband said I will add this.

Would you rather your WW say you were always the one for me except the time I became deranged and had my affair?

OUCH right back atcha, NG, because you reminded me of something i'd long forgotten. for some time after my Hs a, when he would say, "i love you," i would reply, "i love you more." i didn't realise it at the time, but that was pretty unfeeling for someone who had *said* she was committed to making the M work (i don't say recovery, because we didn't know about such a thing then). at the time, "clearly" i DID love him MORE, since i maintained fidelity, hah! says the self-righteous! self-reflection is a good thing for all of us.

We are almost 2 1/2 years into recovery and I know exactly the feeling you have, MrE, just as the other posters have mentioned.

As good as things are, the scars from the wounds are still with you, but as Letty said - time does heal all wounds.

It's funny you should write this as this is something along the same lines I've been thinking about the past few days. My experience hasn't been because of my H's professions like you've mentioned, but because of his outrage over certain things. He'll read a story, or we'll see something on TV, and he'll talk about how terrible something is that someone's done and I think to myself, "You did worse to me, not to mention our kids...." I don't say it, of course, but the thought pops in.

I've been asking myself - what is that bothers me? Do I not want him to forget that he hurt me/us? Am I concerned that he still doesn't get how awful his actions were? Is there part of me that wants him to know that in some way I am "better" than he is because I didn't go out and commit infidelity? Because, if he continues to realize that he will continue to try and make up for what happened - right???

When I think about these things I realize that part of me is not wanting to let go of what happened. Part of me is not wanting to leave the past behind. So, in some small way - there's something "in it for me" to keep it around or I wouldn't do so.

In this sense, I am glad I have not said any of my thoughts out loud to my dear husband because you know what? I've come to the conclusion that this particular fight is internal - it's not about him. It's about me being willing to totally forgive because after 2 1/2 years of just compensation and working the plan - there is no reason for me to hold on to that stuff anymore. Sure, what he did hurt but he has stepped up to the plate and continues to do so, anytime I bring a need to his attention. There are days he is a much better spouse than I am, in fact. This thought is humbling.

I'm sure your wife is not the same woman she was during the affair just as my H is not. I love Pep's translation because it's so true: the A was nothing in terms of any kind of real love... it can't compare. Therefore, it doesn't even register anymore as being significant. It's not an alternate reality as much as it is true realization of what IS.

I don't know if my thoughts and reasons are yours - but along with the expert thoughts of others before me - I hope they help.

I have been more like you, Letty. It has taken me awhile to stop granting myself the high moral ground all the time. I think it is impossible to truly recover if you won't grant your spouse equal standing with yourself.

As I said earlier in this thread, I keep my mouth shut. The fact is, I love my wife and I know that she loves me, and the past is the past. I think I am triggering, however mildly, on statements about the past that are factually inconsistent. As I was told earlier this week with regard to a completely different topic, "Mr.E, stop overthinking everything". The problem is that I am an engineer, and I can not help it.

This is all so true. It is good that outrageous behavior induces outrage in our spouses. If we grant our spouses equal standing with ourselves, then we ought to accept their outrage at face value, just like our own. This is a goal that I strive for, as well.

EGG-ZAK-LEE

It is my opinion (I have no research to back this up) that this lingering thread of resentment functions to remind ourselves of how vulnerable we are when we love another flawed human being. It is my opinion that we betrayed spouses in recovery do this NOT to punish our (formally wayward) spouse, but as a rudimentary means of self protection. Sort of an emotional emergency escape hatch from which we can emotionally exit the marriage should it become necessary. The holding on to the hurt does go away. When? I can't remember! It was so long ago. I think that thread sort of disintegrated on it's own.

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Mr. E -


I have suggested to others as I do myself - let me tell you that recently I know EXACTLY how you feel.


So, what do we do when those thoughts and feelings arise?


We do a damage assesment;


How much UA time have we been getting?

What are my top 3 ENs?

How is my wife meeting them?

What are my wife's top 3 ENs?

How am I meeting them?

Are either of us committing any Love Busters?



For me, right now... that assessment is nailed down in the first question; I work 6 days a week, 50+ hours.

Are we getting enough UA time?

No?


So, solution; I went and talked to my boss, and told her if anything opens up for the weekends, I want in. Well, it's opening up. I'm putting in notice to my home health job, and in May I will work Saturday and Sunday 16 hours, and have Monday-Friday OFF.

Viva la UA!


In the interim, my teammate and I are alternating doubles during the week, which gives me 3 days a week off.