We are having another issue...I have started working out at the free gym my employer has. Husband has encouraged me to get healthy. I usually go with my
friend,she didn't go today..

I walked in and another coworker was there, when i came in he looked my way and said hi Melissa,I said hi, he turned away,I stayed at the door and asked him how much longer he would be, he didn't hear me because of earbuds, but apparently could tell something and looked my way and said sorry, what...I asked again, he said about ten minutes.

I proceeding to go ahead with my workout, no other words exchanged until he was leaving, he changed,offered ear buds,I declined,we both said see ya.

I invited my husband and told him to call me on cell so I could open door for him if he decided to come over. He came as coworker was leaving and is livid. He called said coworker and came to my office and proceeded to question me in front of my coworkers.

We have been having some hard arguments in the past few months and he does not trust me at all...no infidelity on either side at all. Just communication. I feel that he thinks I'm some type of company hoe and feel totally insulted.


I had invited my husband and told him



back my way,took out earbud and said I'm sorry, what.

If you and your H are interested in using a gym to get healthy, I would suggest you get a family membership at some other gym and skip using the freebie gym that would make your H uncomfortable.

He is feeling very disrespected, loved bustered.

Did I commit a love buster..I asked him to come as well. He came only 30 minutes later. He is angry and showing it, and according to him, he caught me with another man in the gym and saying we worked out together even though less then 10 words were exchanged and we most certainly did not go together. His pont is that I went in there without him.

He is hurt because we were in the same room, working out...I am being inconsiderate of his feelings by continuing my 30 minute workout and that by doing that I don't care or love him and it is a big problem right now. He now says my heart isn't with him.

If your H is feeling jealous, then don't give him reason to feel that way. He is letting you know that your going to the gym by yourself, even for 30 minutes, makes him feel uneasy. He's upset about the thought of you talking with a man in the gym while he's not with you.

Do you two follow the Policy of Joint Agreement? Is he willing to negotiate with you for a solution that will make you both happy?

Dr. Harley recommends that a married couple work out together and AVOID going to the gym alone.

Agree with Longwayhome. Mel, you know he is very uneasy about you doing things with your male coworkers, so I am really astonished you put yourself in this situation. Couldn't you have waited until your husband arrived and worked out together?

What have you done to improve and protect your marriage in the two years since you posted a similar situation in which your husband let you know he was uncomfortable with you spending time around male coworkers?

Apparently not much. I am tired of being blamed for everything.

I am married to a carpenter and yet my house is a dump. I have a screen door being held shut by a shoe string. I ask and ask and ask for him to please work on the house...he is laid off and at home all day, I work all day. His demand is that I must come home and help him with this or he isn't going to do it. This same arument comes up every.single.time. It is a HUGE LB to me and I choke it down everytime I come home and have to pull a shoestring to open my back door. He doesn't want me to nag, so I don't.

He says make him feel good, give him lots of great sex so he can feel good about me and want to work on the house, so I do. Nothing gets done on house becasue it becomes a "let me know when your ready to help". I let it go, let it go, let it go and then he gets mad at me and it all comes out again, round and round we go.

He needs to tell you all about the Swat team at my home to. I was awoke in the middle of the night to yelling and screaming, I came down our hall and saw lots of men in my kitchen, I thought we were in the middle of a home violent home invasion. Terrified I turned to go back to where my children were only to immedialty have a gun pointed directly to my face and being ordered to the floor. I thought for sure I was going to be shot iin the back of the head. I was terrified. Come to find out, it was lots of police...and he brought them there and he ended up in jail that night and for the weekend.

I of course was blamed by some of his family, got crappy texts..no one bothered to come and see if me and our kids were alright after wards...only my friends, door kicked off hinges. His sister never made on phone call to see if our kids were even ok..nothing.

He let me take the fall for that, never one time stood up to defend me to his daughter, etc...his answere was, "so what, I don't care what they think."

And the reason his sister could care less is because his daughter and exwife went around telling people I kicked her out of our house..not true, she moved out becasue she was mad at dad for punishing her. she snuck out with her mom and never came back. Yes I put one of our other kids in her empty bedroom..she moved out and wasn't speaking to us and didn't for a long time. Since I put our young son in the room, they went all over town trashing me, his sister took their side, hence her non support for us during a traumatic time, he never one time stood up to any of them and told them the truth, he let them trash me. Why...becasue he didn't care what they said or thought so why bother..it wasn't him they were ripping apart. He still has a letter his daughter wrote declaring she was moving out and yet let me take the fall.

This all keeps coming round and round. And he's mad and hurt becasue he encourages me for years o please go work out. I invite him becasue my friend can't go, he says maybe, I go at my regular time I started going, a coworker is there, less then 20 words exchanged and here we are.

So.. you want him to do things to change but believe he should suck it up and endure inconsiderate behavior?

Change always starts with the person in the mirror. And one of your changes, from reading this, is that you should stop "letting things go." If something bothers you, it should be presented in a respectful way. It should not be ignored, though.

You are right...I have been asking for this stuff for years..

I remember back in the day, he would be laid off, I would be working two jobs and come home he would be out back on the property, hanging with friends, etc..I would come home, clean the house, cook dinner, run kids, do laundry and seeth with resentment that he would be home all day and nothing done. If I complained I got comapred to the ex...that would shut me up real fast. I learned to just deal and keep peace.

The arguments would result in both of us angry, he would mock me, I would shut down and be done. Nothing ever really got resolved..

We were doing so much better..and according to him, he has felt me pulling away starting a few months ago...right about when I started asking him again to work on the house while he is laid off. So many things he could do that needs done..He is a Union Carpenter! It kills me. little by little..and now we are fighting over respect. Sigh.

I apologized to him this morning for not thinking of how he would fill about working out. He was so set on making me say yes that we were working out togther, I refused to say it becasue it was not that way, we did not go tother, we did not help each other, there was no personal discussions, no real conversation at all, we were not together. I thought about it and realized that at the end of the day, I was still there, he was disappointed and I made him feel that way, so I aplogized.

it wasnt the swat team...just a few county deputies and state police :

No. Tit for Tat is not how it goes. Yet this seems to be the basis for your M. There is no care or protection of each other ... just constant finger pointing and blame.

This dynamic has to change. You each have a ton of work to do to clean up YOUR side of the street.

There's nothing wrong with having expectations of your H but there is a respectful way and a disrespectful way to discuss those with him. You need to learn how to POJA first and foremost. You are making demands that he isn�t interested in doing. And he probably isn�t doing them because you demand it of him. Read up on POJA. Grasp onto the part that says nothing is done until there is a enthusiastic agreement between you. Don�t learn how to do pieces of the POJA follow all of the steps Dr. Harley outlines.


Seriously?

Do you realize how this sounds? Your W has law enforcement in your home and a gun pulled to her head because of, I presume, something you did. And instead of being apologetic and remorseful you want to argue specifics.

Statements like this will definitely play into our opinion of where mel needs to go from here. Uncaring, self centered, selfish people sometimes just never get what it takes to have a happy healthy marriage. From what I gather you�re so angry at her that you can�t give an inch. Your gonna stand your ground and fight this fight to the end. But the fighting needs to end NOW if you two have any hope of saving your M.

10-12 officers in bullet proof vests each baring arms is a swat team...

I was left at home at 3 in the morning with two kids and a front door kicked off it's hinges, , my house a mess from their search, completely stunned. They were threatening to take me to jail as well becasue my name is on the house and property to! And told me that cps would take my kids, never in my life had I been thru such an ordeal. They ended up leaving me at home becasue they said they could tell I was not involved.

I woke up from a dead sleep from all the commotion I was hearing, and they encountered me in the hall way. I was the first person they came across. This all came because some man came to our home while I was at work, my husband didn't want him there so he gave this man a joint (i guess)so he would leave and that man got arrested later that night. I've asked my husband why he didn't just tell him to leave...I mean really. It cost us around $6,000.00 after all was said and done. And in my opinion, my husband was all to happy to let me be the punching bag for some members of his family..I was getting the blaming text messages, etc..

I still carry this chain around my neck and yes, it comes out every time we argue. I have forgiven the acts that brought it all on, its the not standing up for me that has eaten at my soul, Him being ok with people making me out to be the bad guy. He is very content to let me take blame for things because according to him, he doesn't care what they think so why should I.

And you are right..we both are keeping score. Tit for tat, I have told DH the same thing. We both bring the past hurts back to every argument.

Last night was hard..I woke up to loud music at 2:30 am..I went and asked him if he knew what time it was and that I had to work in the morning and kids had school..I was told this is what he wanted to do right now so he proceeded to turn up volume and play it all night. I laid on couch all night with a pillow over my head trying to sleep.

He did come upstairs this morning and make coffee and breakfast.

Good Morning...

things have calmed down greatly at home. We had a nice talk last night..I think I am getting to the root of why I have been unable to give him the respect he needs and deserves from me..we talked about it some.

I lost some faith and trust in him from the past and have carried it since because we have never really worked thru it all, simply put, we have rugswept it. I know I did. It comes up over and over and then he would poopoo my feelings about it, I let it go again until there was a fight and here it would come right back up....a terrible cycle, over and over round and round we go. I really haven't been able to let it go becasue I believe he never made things right...I felt so let down, abandoned and laid bare and I felt that he didn't protect or respect me.

Thinking about it, I have always trusted his faithfulness to me, it was the mistrust in the other areas of our relationship that has eroded our marriage to the point we're at on my side...I thought so long as he isn't cheating, then I needed to trust him and have faith in him..but for the past few years I ahve been building a brick wall between us becasue I ddin't feel 100% safe and instead of being honest with him about how I was still feeling about those big incidents, I stuffed it all down and tried to move on but was really just spinning my wheels until the next fight where I coould bring my hurts back up.

We have some work to do on both sides...we are buying the three books that were suggested to us and are looking forward to reading them.

We POJA'd the screen door that has been a real sore spot for awhile yesterday...very happy about that! I think we are both feeling so much relief this morning. Thanks.

And he is sending me lyrics from his new favorite song...Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker....today the sun is out...

I think we can do this...we deserve it and so do our kids.

We will both be hanging around here, reading, asking questions, venting and learning.

hmmm...I think to, that he knows me so well and can feel that I am holding back honest feelings and therefore brings out his mistrustful feelings towards me.

I need to work on breaking down this wall I have put up. Can my husband know me better then I know myself?

Have you read this?

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Not yet...but I will be.

Two of my husbands top needs are honesty and trust. He needs to feel that he can trust me about my feelings. For some reason I have lost trust in him about my true feelings about things, I have felt afraid to open up completely to him for awhile..

I know when we argue, at times when I am trying to explain how I'm feeling, he will mock me..I will shut down and stop talking from that point on. I have discussed with him that Words of affirmation is a huge need of mine..yelling at me, mocking me,name calling etc will shut me down quicker then anything and will throw my mind, thoughts and feelings in a complete tizz, I lose focus and can no longer express my self in a way that makes any sense to him, there fore he loses trust in me because I am not making any sense to him so he feels that I am being dishonest about things.

Does this make sense?

In this example EVERYTHING starts with his LB'ing. Not to say he's responsible for your dishonesty but � if you eliminate this LB�ing behavior, which in turns causes you to protect yourself from more hurt, more will be accomplished.

Your job is to learn how to communicate his LBs to him in a respectful manner. And POJA new behaviors. The art of PORH and POJA. Such interesting philosophies � don�t ya think? So foreign to most relationships that have all sorts of unhealthy ways of communicating. Angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, passive-aggressive behaviors, dishonesty, etc.

So, yes, I agree with your assessment of your dishonesty and how it negatively impacts your M.

You are very good at communicating your feelings here to us. Hopefully that comes across in your talks with him. Your H on the other hand � he isn�t getting a lot of good advice because he doesn�t seem to be that engaged. His responses seem like a waste of time � meaning he isn�t asking questions and relating what he�s learning (if anything) to the people that are posting to him.

I�m wondering if you�re driving the bus and he�s just riding along � with his headphones on cranked to some AC/DC. Do you feel he�s engaged in this process?