BH, thanks for that link. I have read through most of that thread over the weekend. I've asked WW to read through it also. This is where we are concentrating most of our efforts this week.

WW talked to her sister about the A this weekend. Her sister tried to play the "it's not all your fault" card and WW cut her off. I was proud of her when she said, ahhh, yes, I chose the A and it has nothing to do with H". I'm thinking Sister may be a WW also... I do know that she has been in an unhappy M for 25 years. I also know that Sister is not am ally in this fight.

I also know that Sister is not am ally in this fight.

Well, maybe not an active ally, but there is value in her marriage being used as a contrast to your own, certainly...

I do know that she has been in an unhappy M for 25 years.

...to say nothing of the absurdity of a person with that baggage having the "ovaries" to offer marital advice!

Spending more UA time will be huge. Putting in boundaries like no convos with the OS will be very helpful too. I wouldn't really classify that as an LB though, it is an EP. That isn't something you should negotiate ... it should be non-negotiable. I'm sure her doing that damages your confidence in the marriage.

You mentioned her LBs. Would you mind listing some of the other LBs? It will be good for you to clear the air with her on these (PORH) and learn to negotiate to find alternate behaviors that are healthier for both of you (POJA).

MrA, I was classifying the breakage of the EPs as LBs. We are doing pretty good on LBs other than those. I've asked her to define her own set of life/marriage boundaries to get her thinking in that way. I want to meet all of her ENs, of which I consider these boundaries to be.

This weekend was good in the sense that we talked about my boundaries and that I was not intending to control or change her behavior, only identify the conditions that I was willing to live/stay married within. I was pretty gentle with her and she finally heard past the do this/do that filter that she often wears. To be honest though, I can now see the harshness that I've used towards her in my frustration. She interprets that as controlling and she's right. I'm much more conscious of that now and doing better according to her.

And, I can't remember the last time I had an AO. She probably can, but they are getting fewer and farther between.

Also, on a more personal note, no SF since D-Day yet but I had a vasectomy on Friday and she was happy about that. I'm still the one holding back on the SF. Still dealing with too many pictures in my head and hurt from the pregnancy.

Now, where did I put those frozen peas

If it helps I'd suggest (if you aren't) using I Would Love It If statements (Dr Chalmer�s advice to us). The intent is to express what would make you very happy without it sounding like a demand and removing any negative connotation.

�I would love it if we could find a healthy meal plan. I would love it if we followed "xxxx�.�
That sounds way better than.
�I hate how we eat.�
�The meals we eat aren't good.�
�We need to eat this way.�

I also think these IWLII statements are the perfect statement to opening up negotiation.
Her reply:
�I would like to eat better too but I do not like that eating plan. I need to have some carbs in my diet � etc�.
You:
�I totally understand. Do you have some ideas on what we could do instead of �xxxxx�? I�d be happy to sit down and research others with you .�. Brainstorm with abandon.


Here's to a speedy recovery.

Vasectomy aren't that bad. I never had one but did a couple lol. Your on the right track wow. Praying for a recovery of your marriage. Just remember we are human and we make mistakes, its what we do after the mistake(s). That's what really counts. Now if I can somehow get my WW to see that.

I had a realization while at church this past Sunday. I had a sense of peace and realized that I was not fully committed to the restoring of my marriage. This is hard to admit because I was holding onto the divorce lifeline, thinking that I could/would bolt at any moment if WW didn't show the right amount of committment to fixing this (whatever that might look like). Call it a revelation, an epiphany, moment of clarity or whatever you like. I knew, at that moment, that my marriage was doomed if I could not open myself up and let go of that lifeline and if that happened, it would no longer be WWs "fault" that it failed.

While in a moment of prayer, I was able to lower my guard and say "Lord, I welcome the changes that you want to make in me and in my marriage for this to succeed". That has been very freeing and for the first time since D-Day, not only do I think our M will be saved, I actually want it to be.

Our EP's are almost completely in place. Her Cell# will be changed tonight and the only thing left will be for her to see the Dr. I can actually see, for the first time, a place where I can put the A behind me, consider us to be on equal ground, and never mention the A again.

We have been doing really well in the Affection EN. We also have a date night planned for Friday night. Dinner and a lot of conversation

That's good news.

Church is a good thing. I'm glad you got over that hump.

Date night tonight. Going to the place we went on our first date on 6/26/1990. It was her 21st birthday. We haven't been back there in 20 years. She is very excited and so am I.

UA time is increasing too. We're consistently between 15-20 hours and working on scheduling more time. Her work schedule just got changed (added more hours) so she's been pretty tired in the evening. Our conversations have been gentler lately too.

There was an incident yesterday that we texted messaged about. Some guy that she works with was prying into why she changed email address, deleted facebook and changing phone #. She was getting tired of the prying and said she should just tell him why. I texted back that it was none of his business as this was personal. I might have came across harsh because of the speed at which I replied and the shortness of my reply so I called her to appologize if I came across harsh and she appreciated that. I explained that this was a boundary that she was willing to cross (having a personal conversation with opposite sex) and that concerned me. Anyway, it ended ok and we moved past it.

This is where the proverbial rubber meets the road IMO. The recovery is good until it isn't and then you have to deal with the issues. I'm not going to belabor the issue tonight but I'll find a way to talk about the recovery and get her feedback on how she thinks its going. Maybe.... That might be a LB on a date night. Never mind. I'll just focus on her ENs and tell her how pretty she looks

Thanks for listening

You handled it correctly in my opinion. If she understands why that was handled that way. Have fun on your date.

The past few days have been tough. Sometimes I dont know if I'm just supressing the pain or actually dealing with it. The last couple of nights have been full of dreams of POSOM and ways to get my justice in all of this. Waking up at 3:00 AM full of anger does not make the day go well.

A message for all of the BS's that are struggling with the decision to expose according to MB principals. DO IT!!!! For crying out loud, this could be your only form of justice in this lifetime to see the POS get what is coming to them. Short of putting them in the hospital, this could be your only way to make sure they can share some of your pain.

Its days like this that I'm not sure I can keep this up. I was betrayed and yet I'm the one that has to feel like $h!t every day. C'mon

How do I tell WW how this feels without major LBs???

We always tell people, "Recovery is a lot harder than you think it will be."

Now you know. Your "Taker" is trying to protect you.


Just a suggestion, write it down. Limit it to 2 paragraphs. Ask W to read it. Then, after she reads it, tell W you would like to hold each other until you are both relaxed. Don't talk about the contents of what you wrote, talk about how it feels to hold each other.

Tell your wife, "I need to be emotionally intimate with you. But, instead of telling you, I wrote it down. This is very hard. I need to hold you and have you hold me after you've read this."

Pep, then can I go beat the crap out of POSOM?

Ha!
I recently had a meltdown concerning a wayward contractor who has lied to us. When I was told the depth/cost of said contractor's incompetency/lying .... I was seriously considering self help with a baseball bat.

In the middle of one restless night, when I was chewing up this problem with leg twitches and gnashing of my teeth ... the IRS solution came to me. Tell me 777, who has a bigger bat? Pep or the IRS? We also came to learn that there may be a criminal element to his actions, and we will gather evidence and go have a chat with the city attorney.

In short, you can do more damage to POSOM, and less damage to yourself, if you are patient and watchful of opportunities.

Did OM BW ever believe you about the affair?

Does your WW feel the need to be honest with her own victim and clear your name as a psycho? That is what I, the BS, was concerned with. I knew I was truly on the road to recovery when my own FWH was ready to be honest with all of his victims (also his former bud).

P.S. Don't worry about revenge...OM will dig his own grave all by himself. You don't need to do anything to help him.

In 3 weeks my wife's dday will 2 years old. If my anger was a 10 on dday, its about a 5 today. Sure, I havent done MB as textbook as others. Maybe not enought UA. And, I havent made it easier on her to get me thru the low times. (Who wants to be close to an angry pit snake?)

Theres a poster on here who comes on infrequently but when he does, I read him. He, like I, were victims of LTAs. His anger is palpable but Im pretty certain he remained in the marriage as did I. I cannot speak for him nor do I know his story very well, but I believe since we both are with remorseful woman and children are involved, we stuck around. He is much more eloquent than I and has a better grasp of MB and is able to parse the words of WW on here into incriminating MB offenses. His anger towards the cheating wife is my anger and his defense of the victim husband makes me feel good. I wouldnt call his diatribes vintictive but they have a way of boosting my morale.

Some of the more religious folk on here point to scripture for help forgiving and lowing anger. I think thats for each to investigate.

I see you have been offering up suggestions and inspiration to others and thats a great way keep spirits up. Seeing other dudes going thru possibly worse situations tends to keep things in perspective.

I dont know what the solution to anger is. Is the seeking the person who created it and asking her to help you down from it the best way? It just may be.

I do know what is NOT the solution: bringing up the affair, passive agressive actions and words, silent treatments, curt and short responses, and threats of future anti-marriage actions.

All things Ive done and some fairly recent and the reason my anger average is at 5 when it should be at 1 or lower going into year 3.

PS. I see you've mentioned more than once the prospect of rearranging your wife's boyfriends face and kind of debated me against the notion on another's thread a few days back. Ups downs and general wishy washyness is a hallmark of what we face in this crap fest. When you find an even keel, perhaps youve recovered. Today, its choppy waters.

MSS,

Thanks for your insight. It is helpful for me. Yes, I debated you on the merits of face arrangement during one of my more even keeled days. It's been up and down quite a bit lately.

WW and I talked about it a little last night on our walk around the neighborhood. She asked if I was struggling with anything and I shared my stuff with her gently. She thanked me for being able to be open and honest with her without being accusational.

I like pokers response above. Hopfully, OM will bury himself through all of this.

The Lord said, "Vengance is mine" and I believe Him but we cry out for justice and sometimes have to wait for it. Sometimes, we may not even have it for years or maybe never, God forbid.

My heart aches for those who discover an A every day and hope that they find MB for the help that they need. I'm not sure where this will end up but I'm grateful for the support we all get here.

Have you ever cleaned up your diet and cleaned out your system so that the next time you eat junk food your body says, "Whoooaaa big fella, whatcha doin"?

Well, when you change your marital diet and clean out the marital system you tend to see red flags much easier. Your spirit jumps when the slightest change occurs.

GPS indicates something different than WW. We'll be having the discussion tonight

Where does the GPS indicate where she was?

Are you sure you should confront her? Maybe you need to gather more evidence?