Yes, it makes complete sense. He is being abusive, plain and simple. He must stop the anger, name-calling, disrespect. HE is the reason you're too afraid to be honest. Unless he gets control of his angry outbursts, you cannot even begin to POJA. The first guideline of successful negotiation is SAFE, PLEASANT conversation.

Dr. Harley told us that there was no way to POJA until my H controlled his anger (which he never did, and now I'm on the divorcing forum).

I hope BBall steps up to his responsibility, for your and your children's sake.

We have been busy...our daughter had a soccer match tonight and my lands, it is in the 20's here...crazy!

Not sure how to do the quote boxes yet...

We are working on our plan to get this marriage back on track..it's what we both want certainly. BB9433 is up here thru out the day, reading, looking and learning. We have been texting and emailing alot for the past two days while he is here at home, going over things, expressing our current feelings, working on some immediate goals such as getting our books ordered so we can start reading.

We have both expressed guilt and sadness about where we are at....I know he needs to feel safe and respected and I haven't done a good job in filling that need for him, which is bringing out anger and resentment. I think I need to point out that I have lost my temper on occasion and have raised my voice to....

He is apologizing for the way he has yelled at times and expressing shame for it...sometimes I think it takes a third party for us to see what we are doing wrong to one another before we actually believe it. Our next goal is to work on the Emotional Needs Questionaire. We will hopefully be sitting down this weekend and getting that done.

The POJA will be an awesome tool for us, we have several things that need to be agreed on so we are looking forward to that as well!

This is the first time he has ever signed up to be a part of a forum and I am thrilled..he isn't real big on posting on forums yet, this is all new to him.

Thank you all for the time you are taking to help us! So very much appreciated..

To quote someting use the following only replace the {} curly braces with [ ] brackets

{quote}See my quote{/quote}



If you use the REPLY button you can hit the '' button from the button options at the top of the edit box. Doing that will insert the quote tags you need. Then you can simply copy/paste or type what you want quoted between those two tags. This tag concept is used throughout. So if you want to bold something use {b}type your text{/b}. You'll see what to use for various things by using the buttons available in the Reply window.

It's good to see you and H on board with MB. Be patient. It takes time.

Thanks for the quote box info...

Funny you should mention patience..we both agreed yesterday that we have gotten to be pretty inpatient with one another.

Last night we read Radical Honesty..wow. It truly hits things right on target. We were reading and talking and could indentify ourselves through out. We will be reading POJA tonight.

LoveBusters would be a really good one for you two to start on. You said you ordered some books correct?

Yes...the three that were recommended for us....in the meantime we have been here reading alot.

Last night we were reading Love Busters up here and I felt such a sadness as I could see myself in alot of that in our 13 year marriage....saddens me to know I have been pretty crappy to BB9433...he does try hard to meet alot of my EN. He really does and I know there have been times when I didn't appreciate it much
and to see it in black and white really hits you.

We have a family member getting married soon and I do believe they will be getting some MB books from us as a gift....that was BB9433 idea!

I watched him yesterday as he had our very rowdy boy outside in his catchers gear practing for our up and coming little league season and it warmed and softened my heart and I felt such a burst of love for him...I htink I need to study up on my EN...I'm not sure if I really know myself well enough to have them in proper order...is it possible for them to change as things progress?

What are HIS top EN? What are you doing to meet them?

How much UA time are you getting?

What Love Busters are you guilty of?

We went over his EN.....1. O&H, 2. Admiraion, 3. Affection, 4. Conversation, 5. Family Commitment, 6. Sexual Fulfillment, 7. Attractivness, 8. Recreatioanl, 9. Domestic Support, 10. Financial Support

HIs top need is the O&H...he needs know my honest and true feelings about everything so we have been doing alot of good communication. He is feeling very relaxed,content and secure at this point which is very important to him.

My LB are Independent behaviour and not being honest about feelings.

Our UA time since this all started has been huge. Outside of work and tending to our kids, we have spent 100% of our time together, alot of that time has been working MB.

As we were going over his top EN...his changed over the past week...his high need for SF has dropped and has been replaced with admiration, affection and conversation. He is thinking that because he wasn't feeling secure about us, it drove his need for SF way up (at least 1x per day, sometimes 2) and now that he is feeling good about us and our open communication, he doesn't have that strong urge for SF, he wants my companionship instead. I think this is a good thing for us.

We are working on a daily goal list which I think will come in handy for us. One of our goals today is to rework our home remodel floor plans...BBall9433 is a planner and goal orientated person when he is feeling good. MB is a daily goal for us as well...it's like he said, our fighting was ridiculous and we simply weren't using the MB tools to help us..and now that our goal is to incorporate them into our daily lives, we are looking forward to the improvements.

It's been a really good weekend for us and our kids...everybody is feeling so relaxed and content.

Can we incorporate MB principles in our daily interaction with our kids? Our youngest one (9 yo boy), much to our dismay..is a taker. Is there a program for children?

ALL children are takers! The program is called growing up! There is a book for parents that you might find helpful, it is His Needs, Her Needs for Parents.

Found it...will be getting it as well!

Thank you....

I may be hindering his growing up...he's my baby. Sometimes I feel Dad may be a bit to harsh on punishments...I will want to go rescue and I need to get out of that mindset and get us on the same page with him..our other one (11 yo girl) is a tender heart, she follows rules to the "t" on her own without us having to say or do anything. She is very self disciplined and a huge book reader.

As different as night and day and at times we wonder what the heck...how can they be soooo different and be raised in the same house.

We also have two in college.

Are we supposed to bring things up from months ago?

One of his feelings is that I haven't been a team player because he asked me months ago to paint primer in the mudd room...I did not because I felt it was something he could do while home all day, so...it didn't get done.

Understanding his need that he needed more "team playing" form me, I have been doing things with him around here to build the team.

He has been frustrated today with his dr. and lawyer and I can tell his patience is on low tolerance. Earlier when I got home from work we were discussing his aggravation and I told him then that he needed to settle down.

He had done some texturing on the walls in the mudd room and I love the look, we saw it on a restaurant wall and both liked it so decided we would like to try it out on our walls. I was so happy, so he mentioned the primer paint again and I said yes, that I would do it, get the paint and I will paint it tonight, I'm not sure what was said after that but I then said something to the effect that I would have Friday off and I could do it then too..I went into the mudd room where he was and he started lecturing me about how he has been trying for months to get me to paint just a small part and I stood there for a second feeling ambushed...like I couldn't believe that he was just saying all that...his tone was short and condesending, in my opinion and kinda laughing when I would say something and I walked out of the room and went to mop floors.

He came downstairs, I came down shortly after....he proceeded to tell me that he still has an issue from months ago about me not painting the primer.

I feel very hurt and feel like we simply just got no where. He wants to continue to beat this dead horse...I say it's a moot point now..and I have been doing the team work that he wants and now he wants to bring up this again.

He hugged me a few minutes ago, and I told him that I feel hurt and ambushed about it...pretty sure he is back to being frustrated.

This would be a great one to write the Harley's about! I remember that they answered this EXACT question on the radio a few weeks ago (Brain??): a husband telling his wife to paint stuff and do it 'his way.' Dr. Harley called the husband on his abusive/controlling behavior and told the wife to 'by no means' reinforce his abuse by painting. He told the wife that the husband should do the painting, and also learn to stop being abusive.

Your H telling you to paint is a Selfish Demand. When you don't do it, he uses Disrespectful Judgements to browbeat you into doing it (lecturing, telling you you're not a 'team player' etc). This is a great opportunity to POJA the mud room painting using your new skills.

Oh, and I am glad you're being honest with him if you don't feel like painting. One thing that helps a lot is to keep the goal in mind:

You want to be IN LOVE with each other. (everything else is secondary)

If you paint but don't want to, you'll feel resentment (which kills LOVE). So, keep up the good work by being open and honest about your feelings.

It might help to get a notebook, sit down together & write the issue at the top, then list his perspective and your perspective. After you both understand each others' point of view (keep it safe & pleasant - no disrespect!), you can start brainstorming solutions and writing them down - give yourselves a few days to continue being creative. Then choose a solution you are both enthusiastic about. Viola! LOVE + painted house.

This is easier said than done, I'll admit. My H and I couldn't even respectfully agree on which notebook to purchase - that's how bad it was. I'm sure you'll do better than we did!

I'm just feeling very down right now...There just was no call for what happened last night. How are we supposed to work together as a team if he feels that he can just drudge up things from months ago...I can do that to, but I have chosen to let it go, no more past drug up into the future.

I don't want to be in a marriage where I am consistantly being beat over the head with something from way back when, you know..how are we supposed to move ahead if he wants to continue to brow beat, get his pound of flesh? If I bring up the past, the his response is that it's in the past, can't change it..so why does he get to always bring it up?

I know why I lost interest in working on the mudd room. We can go round and round in cirlces all day long about it...Me: why should I work all day then come home and primer when you have been here all day? Him: If you won't paint, I'm not going to do anything with it. Me: but you have been home all day, why can't you open the paint and just do it? Him: I want you to help me, I'm not the painter, you are. Me: it's not paint, it's primer.

I will never understand why he just couldn't do a little here and there through out the day...had I seen progress, i would have been tickled pink, and excited and by golly I would have been happy to get in there to help when I got home from work. Just like last night...seeing the texture work that he had done made me so happy, so happy that I was ready to do some primer so that I could see more of his work, only to have him lecture, belittle and complain about how he has wanted me to do this for months...his tone was completley aggitated. He had been aggitated with his lawyer and dr. earlier...I had told him just earlier in the evening that he needed to calm down..I could tell he was aggravated.

I'm tired of everything being my fault...I hear all the time how he wouldn't have reacted this way or that way if I hadn't done such and such..it all comes back to me..just like last night. If I would have primered four months ago..

Just once..I would really like to hear a sincere apology with out a "but if you hadn't done..."

His AO last night has me feeling alot of resentment today becasue I know it takes the two of us to get here and I don't think he see's that..I was a Team player all weekend and yet here we are.

whats really sad..is we could pay someone a $100.00 bucks and they would have that room knocked out in a day..it's a small area, I think it's a 6 x 8 room.

It sits right in the middle of our house, right off of the kitchen..it used to be the old bathroom. We have to walk thru it daily to get to new bathroom and the kids's bedrooms. Such a small room for all this heartache. Seems nothing can get done anymore with out an expectation tied to it.

Hi Mel,

It seems as though you and your husband don't practice the policy of joint agreement (POJA). He has some lovebusters (addressed on his thread) that he needs to stop. Let the posters on his thread deal with those.

Do you have the book, "Lovebusters"? It addresses the POJA and gives tips on how to negotiate. Also, last week the MB radio show talked about negotiation. If you look at the forum under other topics, there is a thread that has links to these radio show segments.

It sounds as if you have a good suggestion with hiring someone. Maybe, you could suggest it. Try saying, "i am not really enthusiastic about painting. How would you feel about paying someone to paint the mud room?"

Just an aside. I have heard Dr. Harley say on the radio show that house renovations/improvements are some of the most stressful things a couple can address. If you are looking for ways to deposit into each other's love banks, spend your undivided attention time doing something you both like and avoid chores and "have to dos".

AM

A Good clip on POJA.
Radio Clip on POJA

Which is probably the better idea if neither of you is enthusiastic about doing the work.

The fact that your husband has the ability to do it is irrelevant if he doesn't want to do it. If he is not happy about doing this project, he should not. In the end, doing this job to "please you" will only build his resentment towards you in the same way expecting you to participate has built resentment towards him from you.

Because he isn't enthusiastic about it. You don't want to do it and he doesn't want to do it alone.

You need to learn to lose your expectation of him and ask and negoatiate how the project will go moving forward. If at any point you don't like the agreement state so and start a new negotiation.

I see you two sitting around pointing fingers at each other. That's not gonna move you forward.

Hi everyone...checking in with a progress report..

Things have stabalized alot. We have been applying MB concepts for the past couple of days and what a weight off the shoulders I feel today, and I think he does to.

I have been reading, reading, reading, we both have. We hve successfully POJA'd some plans, etc...

We just finished up a conversation about resentment and we both agree that is a big chain around our necks and how we need to drop them in order to move forward living by MB standards.

Things have been very pleasant around here yesterday and today..he has been wonderful in meeting domestic needs (made a killer meatloaf, I do believe better then I ever have), spending time with our son, pleasant conversation,SF...just so nice and peaceful here at home.

We are both wanting a wonderful happy marriage and are both reading as much as we can here in order to have it!

Slowly but surly, we will get there.