I sent this question to the radio show today but also wanted to put it here:

My husband has been having an affair. They met 18 months ago, he said it turned romantic about 6 months ago. I found out about it 2 months ago (1 week before giving birth to our 4th child). Since then, it has appeared to get worse. I have exposed this to a marriage counselor, our bishop, his parents, his business partner and wife, and the affair partner�s mother and two of her church leaders. Several times he has said he doesn�t want a divorce, and knows that he needs to break contact with her, but keeps seeing her, and often more blatantly (he took our kids to dinner with her and her kids, and brought her to do some work with him near our home on Saturday, where I found them. She hid so I couldn�t see her, but I know she was there.). His brothers (who only know he is in some sort of trouble) and another church leader staged a sort of intervention last night. He says he is sorry and wants to make things right. But he still has his secret cell phone and a lot of free time (drives around town for work, too easy to slip a few miles down the road to see her).

My question is how much should I try to force restrictions on him? I want to take his secret cell phone and have him be sure to have someone with him at ALL times so he isn�t tempted to go see her OR put a gps locator on his phone. But I also feel this is treating him like a child. I think he should make the choice and stick with it, but I also understand he is in a fog and can�t necessarily make great choices right now. So do I temporarily force this until he is out of his fog and can think clearly? His business partner will help me out with the restrictions.
He is so used to having a lot of freedom that he is really going to chafe at being controlled like this. I worry about it affecting our recovery, since he isn't super remorseful at this point.
Thanks in advance for your input.

I've never been able to "control" my husband.
I did use my influence to motivate him to change his ways.

Welcome to the MB forums.

*** LINK *** <~~~ readings to get you started.

Why not?

I have read most of the articles on here.

I don't think he's super remorseful because if he was, he wouldn't still be seeing her, right? He is still trying to minimize it, saying it wasn't as serious as I think it is.

He also still lies about things, even things that don't have much to do with the affair. Yesterday I know he was meeting with his business partner at the office, but he told me they were meeting at another place - why would he do that?

Welcome to MB.

Who is the OW?

Is she married?

Why haven't you exposed to your WH's brother?

OW is divorced with 2 kids. They met when her then-husband asked my husband to come do some work on the house they were selling because of the divorce.

I haven't exposed to his brothers because....well....I guess I am still trying to protect him. If we stay together, I don't want people forever after thinking about him in terms of "hey, that guy cheated on his wife". If we do divorce, there's no way to keep it from coming out, which I am fine with at that point. We are very religious people (I'm in Idaho, you would know about that too in Utah).

He has sworn up and down that they did nothing sexual. But I know they kissed, and I heavily suspect there was some very serious making out.

So who on OW's side have you exposed to?

Shielding him from the consequences of his affair will not help him or your marriage. He needs his feet held to the fire.

Did you read the exposure thread and what Dr. Harley says about exposing?

I was born and raised in Idaho and so I'm waving to you from Utah?

Also have you told anyone in your church circle? Bishop perhaps?

I exposed to OW's mother and bishop, my stake president is calling her stake president.
I did read the exposure post.
I and husband have talked to both our bishop and stake president. I think the consequences are starting to weigh on him. He said yesterday he wishes so many people didn't have to know.

Definitely part of the problem I see right now is that he is more comfortable spending time with her because there is no pressure there (her mom lives in Oregon, not sure what she has said), but there is a ton of pressure here in his real life at home.

So should I take his phone?

Good job on exposing him.

What about Your kids? Have you told them? What are their ages?

Is this his secret phone? Then yes that phone needs to be destroyed.

Has he written her a NC letter? When was his last contact with her?

What snooping tools do you have in place?

Eighteen months and nothing sexual has happen???? Please don't believe that he is in a full blown sexual affair with her.

You need ammunition for your fight more than you need his cell-phone, which can be replaced in a day.

What are the laws in your jurisdiction regarding adultery. Is it applicable in a divorce proceeding? Are you in an area that recognizes the "alienation of affection" claim?

Your WH seem to have compartmentalized his situation quite nicely, almost to the extent that only sociopaths can manage. He appears immune to psycho/emotional pressure. Perhaps legal avenues (including his being forced to pay you money) might get his attention.

You need legal advice.

About exposure, you expose to the people who will put pressure on him to end his affair.

Will his brother do that?

I just reread that you've known for 2 months. When did you expose?

Have you been in Plan A for 2 months and he's still seeing her?

Have you demanded he end his affair?

Time for Plan B.

Also I know in Idaho you should be able to state reasons for the D is an Affair.

Our kids are 9, 6, 5, and 7 weeks. Haven't told them, don't want to unless it comes to divorce.
I am going to ask him to turn over his phone tonight, and have access to the phone records. he just got it March 8, before that he was using his regular phone which I was monitoring.
His last contact was probably two days ago, although it could have been last night, he was gone for 4 hours. He has not written a letter yet, but says we need to. Also asking about that tonight.
Ya, I am very unsure about the sexual nature of it. I am hoping not but also can't see how it hasn't happened yet. He has been very upset that I and his father would even think sex could happen between them.
I will probably talk to an attorney this week, because although I am hoping for the best in reconciliation, I know I would be wise to prepare for the worst. Especially to subpoena the text records before they expire.
I have told him several times he cannot see her at all if he wants to stay married. He says he knows that, but then will lie to me to see her. Is this the addiction fog? Wow its powerful. he is not this person at all.
Exposed to his parents and her mom 2 weeks ago. Our Bishop a month ago. He won't return phone calls or texts from the bishop or his parents.

haha, my snooping tools are that I drive around in the middle of the night to her house and a rental house that he supposedly stays at sometimes.

Hi MEgz, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley would tell you to expose the affair to everyone. His brothers, your children, everyone in your lives.

The next thing he will tell you is to separate from your husband. What your husband is doing is abusive and will cause you serious emotional and physical deterioration. So I would plan to separate and go into Plan B.

You can pack your husband up and tell him to leave.

By all means, do tell your children. They should not be lied to about the source of tension of their home.

They are all old enough to be told. They already know something is wrong and are probably wondering why *YOU* don't speak to them. It is horribly morally confusing for children to be exposed to adultery. As far as they are concerned you and your H CONDONE adultery. [your silence conveys endorsement I assure you!] So your kids are sitting there wondering "gee, that sort of seems wrong to us! I must be real stupid!"

That is what kids think when adults try to screw with their minds and don't validate their instincts about right and wrong. They are being taught to DOUBT those instincts. And I agree it's cute to not be "judgmental" about adultery, but it sure does screw up young minds!!

Put a GPS on his vehicle. Link to details

Glove oil,
You are right, I need to get a spine. There will have to be more exposure. He ran off again tonight. I Hate this! He has lost his brain!