I hate to tell you, friend, but this is closeted disrespect on your part. If you feel it, don't say it.

Instead:
Talk factually to your wife about love busters she commits and how they make you feel.
Talk factually to your wife about what things she could do that would really meet your emotional needs.
Find out ways to make bucketloads of love bank deposits WITHOUT SACRIFICING.

And it sounds so dang easy, doesn't? And tempting? But I'll tell you that once you withdraw, then she will withdraw and it is so much harder to get that bus going again.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Concentrate on building that romantic love.

And you have to try to let go of what she said to him and what she did with him. I know it's not easy and I still struggle. But when I start down that road, I tell myself "stop torturing yourself" and I think of something else.

Dr H has high expectations of men on this programme. If they have withdrawn and reluctant wives, he expects men to use their emotional strength and energy for a long time to turn their wives around. He is tough on men and he does not accept that they should give up easily. Men can go for a long time without getting their emotional needs met, and giving all they've got to meet their wives' ENs. They can do this and they should do this if they want to recover their marriages .

TFT, Stop imagining that FC is going to have an epiphany and revert to the loving, affectionate spouse you might have believed she was at one time. Her self-centered and dismissive persona is clearly too well entrenched to be overcome, in the limited time you have, given your already depleted $LB and the rate at which you must expend it, to have you still be there when she wises up.

Your Plan A is intended at this juncture to be the equivalent of a jet aircraft in distress dumping fuel before trying a difficult end to its flight. You must reorient yourself to the "No Expectations" mode that you've failed - spectacularly, btw - to maintain previously, while performing every act possible to satisfy her ENs. All of this would be in an effort to position yourself emotionally when you realize intellectually that, basically, she's not worth any additional effort, that you did everything you could, as long as you could, and can dispose of her without regrets.

Your Plan A is intended at this juncture to be the equivalent of a jet aircraft in distress dumping fuel before trying a difficult end to its flight. You must reorient yourself to the "No Expectations" mode that you've failed - spectacularly, btw - to maintain previously, while performing every act possible to satisfy her ENs. All of this would be in an effort to position yourself emotionally when you realize intellectually that, basically, she's not worth any additional effort, that you did everything you could, as long as you could, and can dispose of her without regrets.

OK, so what does a plan A look like for a guy who's wife is not currently wayward?

What's the carrot?

What's the stick?

OK, so what does a plan A look like for a guy who's wife is not currently wayward?

What's the carrot?

What's the stick?

How is this relevant?

You are not in Plan A. You are in Recovery.

I was going to say the same.

Your wife has learned quite a bit what she experiences when she is in love. The feeling of romantic love makes everything that we should do in marriage seem almost effortless. Intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship -- and especially sexual fulfillment -- they all seem so natural. And it makes people think that they love each other unconditionally. But they don't. That's why affairs die a natural death 95% of the time. They think they are perfect for each other, but as soon as conflicts enter their lives, their illusions are revealed for what they really are. The illusions are what I call "the fog," and your wife is still struggling with some of those illusions.

As time passes, she will eventually get through the withdrawal that she now experiences, and will see the affair for what it really was. But if she's honest, she will admit that those illusions made her feel terrific, and she misses having that feeling.

She can have that feeling again, however. This time for you. All you must do is make enough Love Bank deposits and avoid withdrawals, and she'll be in love with you again.

Some people experience the return of romantic love within a three months of ending an affair, but I'd give it two years. In the meantime, you are doing all the right things, so keep up the good work. As for your wife's curiosity about whether or not the other man meant what he said to her, I would assume that he did at the moment it was said. But when the bright light of reality illuminated his mind, he could see that it was all foolishness.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

My first piece of advice is to stop talking with your wife about her affair. She is going through an emotional experience that is common among those who are recovering from an affair, and talking about it only makes things worse.

Second, I would encourage your wife to pay close attention to anything in her environment that triggers her thoughts about the other man, and pass that information on to Kim. I want her to completely eliminate those triggers, even if it means moving to another city.

Third, spend 15 hours a week, giving each other undivided attention, being affectionate, talking intimately to each other (without bringing up her affair), engaging in recreational activities that you both enjoy, and making love. Individually, pass on to Kim what must change to make your experience more enjoyable for each other, and Kim will try to help you make those 15 hours the best time of your week.

You can make your wife fall in love with you, and she can make you fall in love with her if you make Love Bank deposits and avoid making withdrawals. The depression that your wife is experience will lift as soon as she sees your time together being enjoyable for both of you.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery.

If we saw that both of you were recovering well, I'd say that you are one of the very rare exceptions to the need to spend 15 hours a week together. But, since you are not recovering well, we can only conclude that your failure to spend enough time together, and make good use of that time meeting each other's emotional needs, is the culprit. here

Dr Harley: My program of marriage recovery is exactly the same as most weight loss programs. Whenever it's followed, the marriage recovers. I know of no other program of marital recovery that can make that claim. In fact, if you follow the advice of most marriage recovery programs today, your marriage will not recover. That's why a 1995 Consumer's Report survey found marriage counseling to be the least effective form of psychotherapy. Only 16% found the experience to be helpful.

For those who complete my program of marital recovery, 100% find the experience to be more than helpful -- it solves their marital problems. But just like in dieting, the successful outcome depends entirely on motivation. Only those who are not motivated enough to complete the program fail.

OK, so what does a plan A look like for a guy who's wife is not currently wayward?

What's the carrot?

What's the stick?

Well said, Mark os.