If you haven't gathered this already, Dr H has high expectations of men on this programme. If they have withdrawn and reluctant wives, he expects men to use their emotional strength and energy for a long time to turn their wives around. He is tough on men and he does not accept that they should give up easily. Men can go for a long time without getting their emotional needs met, and giving all they've got to meet their wives' ENs. They can do this and they should do this if they want to recover their marriages.

I'll bet you could train in a gym and build up big muscles and strength. I'll bet you could bear physical pain in a fight. I'll bet you can life heavy furniture and break rocks. You've got strength, and the strength you already display can be developed even further. Stop giving up in this endurance exercise until you reach the point where you collapse from exhaustion. You are far from that point now; you are just discouraged.

If you want to leave now you can, but if you are going to stay don't withdraw from the training. In this programme, as a man you have to work hard for a long time. Get on with it.

Thanks, Pepperband. I wonder if you could help me track down a post of yours. Sometime in the last 12-14 months (I think) you posted a list of suggestions for FWH's to care for their wives in concrete (not symbolic) ways. i.e., not bringing her flowers and cards and such because she won't accept such symbols of care because there is no actual care!

I thought the list was fantastic, for all husbands, and is an answer to "Why does my wife list Affection as a top EN, but doesn't seem to enjoy the Affection I'm trying to provide?"

But I cannot find the post again.

Every husband needs to read it, and if you tracked it down for me, I'd be very grateful! I want to add it to my list of bookmarks.

Dear K.R.,

Affection is something that's learned. Some men (and women) who were raised in families that did not show affection are taught how to show affection by their girlfriends or wives. But other men have never been taught.

You apparently received the affection you needed from your lover. It was your friend's affection that met your need. Your husband can learn to say and do many of the same things, and mean it.

Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day. (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include.) He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it. Here is a general example.


1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.

2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.

3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.

4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.

5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.

6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.

7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.

8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.

9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.

10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.

I thought the list was fantastic, for all husbands, and is an answer to "Why does my wife list Affection as a top EN, but doesn't seem to enjoy the Affection I'm trying to provide?"

Is this it?

LINK- Be the husband she needs.

The solution to the lack of progress is to focus on getting UA time. Make it your goal and something that you work towards daily, to achieve the weekly total. Don't forget that time spent at home is not a contribution unless it involves SF.

How is the UA time going, FTF? It was a bit paltry a few weeks ago. Has it improved?

I hate to admit to the truth which is it hasn't improved much. In fact this week, it went down because we had a house guest on Monday and Tuesday and we did not get any UA time at all on those days.

The times at the YMCA that we planned to spend during the day didn't work out because they don't offer childcare during the hours we had planned to go (my lunch break). We found this out Monday.

I know the 2X4's are going to come out about how important this is. I get it. I've been discouraged as of late and haven't worked on it like I should.

I think I have realized this week that a big part of the problem on my end has been comparing "what she did with / for him" with "what is she doing with / for me". There is a contrast effect there in a way it is not normally discussed. I am letting this go. I still feel it, but I MUST not think about. I'm only torturing my elf.

I also got a lot of help reading the "resentment as punishment" thread. I am going to suck it up and walk away from the mountain. New start.

Tonight, we are going out for our Saturday date night. Next week, we are going to get those hours in if it's the last thing I do.

As for the contrast effect I had to stop thinking about it and the way I did that was to double down on meeting the FWW's EN, I mean full on expert at them.

...

The above mentioned and other specific EN's of you FWW are things she needs to have the desire and what you are should be doing in spades!

When in doubt, focus on the 4 intimate ENs.

Well I do. What I'm saying is I don't have any specifics.

How do you like your need for affection to be met?

How do you like your need for IC to be met?

What would make SF more enjoyable for you?

For RC I do have some answers.

It's great for people here to give me lists of things to meet those needs, but those are things they like / want. I need those answers from my W.

Anyway, I have hope I'll get those answers sooner or later.

Thanks, Pepperband. I wonder if you could help me track down a post of yours. Sometime in the last 12-14 months (I think) you posted a list of suggestions for FWH's to care for their wives in concrete (not symbolic) ways. i.e., not bringing her flowers and cards and such because she won't accept such symbols of care because there is no actual care!

If your wife isn't open yet to receiving outright affection, such as hugs and kisses, and isn't giving any other ideas, then caring and courteous gestures might deposit love units.

It kind of reminds me of when I ask my son what he did at school that day and he says "I don't know". The only thing he will ever admit to is going to lunch or the playground at school.

lol. That's almost exactly how the conversation goes with my son. I usually ask him if he had a poop sandwich though. Apparently that's funny these days.

You mentioned a vacation several weeks ago.

Any progress on securing childcare during such an excursion?