I posted this 4 years ago, shortly after I finally pulled my head out of a place similar to where yours is now. Read it.

1)The affair will most likely not stop on its own accord. My wife and the OM were violating their own belief system. I feel they tried to stop many times. I even thought it had stopped and let my guard down. But it always came back.

2)Until it is stopped, you might as well forget about your marriage working. I came back home, did all I could to show her love, made some real changes physically, admitted to my part in our marriage problems. I would think things were better and then they would get worse. Nothing really changed, and I was confused as to why until I came here.

3)If you think you can stop it without exposing it, think again. I tried for months, got it to stop at times. But it never really stopped long.

4)If you won't expose, don't waste your time and other peoples time here. I posted a couple of times about a month ago, asking pitiful questions, trying to get someone to agree with me that my marriage might work without doing the things I was afraid to do. But, I was basically told that the way I was, I might as well give up, my marriage had no chance. So I quit posting, but did not quit reading.

5)Again, expose, expose,expose. If I had done it when I first found out and had the evidence I did then, I could have crushed it. I tried to get it to stop, feeling that eventually morals and reason would win out. The world of an affair is devoid of any sane thought along those lines. The draw is too powerful. I even tried once more about 3 weeks ago confront and pressure but not expose. But the results were not good.

6)The reason that pressure doesn't work is because your spouse will see it as a desperate attempt at blackmail. That is not a way to build a relationship. And, as I have seen, it won't stop anything.

7)Snoop and root out any evidence of contact.

8) Once again, expose. After seeing for myself that the wisdom of the people on here could not be denied, that they could tell me everything I had already tried and why it failed, and had predicted the future, I knew what I had to do.
Snooped out some pretty good evidence and blew the lid. Do it all at once. Tell everyone important that you can think of. Some will tell you to tell everyone, period, the heck with the consequences. At least tell your kids, spouses parents, any family that will matter, and as many people connected to the OP as you can.

9)Most importantly, don't be afraid. Of all the reasons I gave myself in the beginning to remain silent, a big one was that, after admitting that the relationship developed but denying it was what it was, my wife told me that if I exposed that our marriage was over. I was too confused and scared at the time to realize that given the status quo, it was over anyway. They will be furious, but like many on here told me, if your marriage is going to make it, it can survive the anger, but not the affair.

i want to confront this man but i cant get her to come home, what do i do

What Mel told you to.

she will not come,the best i can think is shell be here in the morning to take kids to the sitter and i will tell her that i will take her to work and pick her up, he will be there too so should i confront him there and could that get me into law trouble or wait till after work

Tunedin, you are repeating my story, and.if you want to avoid making even more.of my mistakes, keep doing nothing.

You, sir, need to stand UP, and DO something about this. You can't control her, but you don't have to support her wayward behavior, or allow her to walk all over you.

You wishy washy efforts are reminding me of my own nightmare many years ago. My wife was banging her OM in the back seat of our prized Dodge Neon in a public park while I sat at home wringing my hands. I wish I could do this for you, but I can't, you have to do it yourself.

Do you know where she might be?
Do you know where he lives?
Do you know what places nearby like parks, or parking lots they might be?
Are any friends able to give you a ride?
Is there anyone trustworthy you can get to watch your kids?
What about asking for a ride from your parents? Friends? Siblings?


Get out there on the battlefield, don't sit in barracks.

He works with her?

No, you don't confront him at work. Instead, you walk straight into Human Resources and ask for the director. Hand him/her this letter:

Dear Director of Human Resources:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards, tunedin

Ask her to read it right there. Ask her what will done about this?

Then when you get home, find that rat on facebook and expose to his contacts using the instructions in my exposure thread.

After you have exposed the affair, THEN you go confront that piece of dog crap. [my apologies to dog crap for the insulting comparison]

Tunedin you have been given the best advise that money can't buy. Now is the time to act. My WW worked for the government and her affair partner worked with her. You don't know the times I have regretted not going to the HR of the agency or even my congressman. I may have been able to stopped the affair before it went physical. I had at least 3 weeks and I done nothing other that beg her to stay which didn't work.

Wow, to think that you didn't have to pay for any of that advice. If that were a counsellor, you would have paid through the nose.

Your marriage is bleeding out man. Put the pressure on and stop the bleeding. The HR letter is a great piece of advice. Expose today. Dont tell her you're going to do it either. It's your only tool to stop the affair. She's going to be pi$$ed, thats a good sign. Just be nice to her and change the subject. Make some homemade cookies and offer her one. Tell her that you're doing everything that you can think of to save your marriage.

Tunedin,

I hope you aren't offended by anything I posted. I was just trying to rally your spirits and get you into action. Are you OK?

hey guys, been awhile I know and I thank you for everything, after I last posted things started spinning out of control, I still had no concrete proof of a physical affair but used all i had to contact her parents and work, i believe other people at her work were in on covering it up and my w never said anything about it, but she was pissed i told our families, she tried to tell people i was physically abusive, she broke down at home yelling at me and i didnt know what was coming next(if she would try to take the kids or something crazy)

so i did the only thing i could think to de-escalate the situation, I calmly said i think we should divorce,she got a litlle snarky w that but calmed down, i got the papers from the library and filled them out,she drug her feet on it but eventually signed them, I helped get her an apartment, she agreed to joint custody w me as the custodial parent, things are calmer now.

In the midst of all this my mother also passed away which is why i needed to calm this down. I still have some hope maybe someday we can restore a loving family but I need to keep moving forward for my kids and myself. thanks again for all your help.

Tunedin - Sorry for your loss.

What is your plan - are you in plan A, or are you going to switch to plan B ?

If you are the one who filed the divorce papers, then you can cancel it if and when she agrees to ending the affair.

Sorry for your loss. God bless

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

I believe I have no choice but to go plan b, I don't want to put my kids through any kind of fighting, as I was going through plan A things just got too out of control once she had to scramble, she was acting irrational and I didnt know what might happen, if it werent for the kids I couldve kept going, but they dont need that insanity.

through this last 6 mnths since separation was brought up I know I fought hard to keep our family intact and loving, she didnt seem to want to own any of her choices so it was left to me to push her to make decisions,I'm the one who said we should get a divorce and arranged getting the papers. before we filled them out I told her, I'm going to keep moving forward with our kids, my job, our home, and this life. I would really like it if you would come along because I really don't WANT a divorce, I just felt you left me w no other option.

she thought about it ovrnight and said it was what she wanted and that she would sign as the filer, she agreed the kids should have our/my house as their home because of school and the fact that its already their home. We went to a notary public and she stamped the papers. Thaey are still sitting in her car as I feel yet again it will be up to me to say,lets go to the courthouse and file them.

Maybe some time apart will help, maybe not.I don't know,but I feel if there is any way to restore this family, she has to be away from it and see and appreciate the love, and honesty I have given her and it.she has been in her apt for a week now and other than picking up or dropping off the kids I am trying no-contact, she does try to text and call me and if she has the kids i answer, but other than that I try to be distant, of course its hard and it sucks but nobody ever said anything was fair.

thanks for the condolences, I really appreciate it.

She says that now, but I guarantee you that once you are in the thick of divorce proceedings, she will renege in a hurry. Thankfully you have something in writing, and that in itself will be invaluable.

Right now I still hope it could be great again one day, but kinda like your quote says, I gotta keep movin forward, I've been stuck here fightn by myself too long, it's been a few years since I've felt loved,and it feels good, I want that again somehow.