BH - Her hone and computer are under a 24 hour watch ( remember the bedside beach bag), and based on her behavior I think the A is still definitely on - unless there is an OM2 which given her current attitude would not surprise me in the least.
NG - There has to be more recoveries than what you stated ? I think I am like Jon in the SAA book, she will need to move in with someone else before she realizes she screwed up. Meanwhile I have needs ! gosh darned it you know - I will qualify to be a monk soon.

There has to be more recoveries than what you stated ?

Nope. Triple H, PNA. HFD, MSS, myself.....There are a couple of sad souls who have accepted living a loveless marital life with a non-caring WW, but I cannot count them.

As for your Plan A/B/D decision....Remember, the extent of your Plan A is dependent on your $LB balance, NOT the (mostly mythical) chance of attracting her back to the marriage. (Seriously, the legendary MM aside, if she doesn't wise up immediately upon exposure - even IF the OM runs off - no WW ever makes it back.) Your realistic goal is to toss her (figuratively) into the trash like a banana peel - useless to any productive purpose, and dangerous to leave laying about.

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Your realistic goal is to toss her (figuratively) into the trash like a banana peel - useless to any productive purpose, and dangerous to leave laying about

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NG - You do have a way with words, I just heard from her that she is signing the purchase agreement tomorrow on a house. So she will be gone soon, then it will be plan B. My biggest concern right now is my son the HS senior financing his first year of college - since WW is helping herself to a chunk of that money.

Don't forget MM - he is reconciled

You counted MM sorry

Southpaw -- have your son sign up to Fastweb. It's a website online where there's a great variety of scholarships. If he's going to college this fall, more reason to do so quickly.

Has he filled out his FAFSA?

I did miss KGaa12 and one other BH whose name escapes me who lives in Hawaii.

The point is not whether the success total is seven or eight - the point is that it is, sadly, a small fraction of those that arrive here.

Jah jah's Thread

Karma - All the FAFSA stuff is done, he has some scholarship money, and financial aid etc. details for 3 schools that he has been accepted to. The balance ranges from $20,000 to $38000 per year depending on what school he wants to go to. Bad time for mom to be taking money to buy a house and double the family expenses !

Hey, SP.

Wanted to chime in and be the voice of another M in R after my FWW's 9mo A and 9mo FR.

Been in R for 14 months now. We are using MB as our guiding light. Without it, we would have been done a long time ago.

After dday, I kicked her out of the house and she continued her A for 9 more months.

R is possible even under the most dire of circumstances IF and only IF you have 2 willing partners that work together.

R is hard. Very hard. Even if your WW comes back and gives the M another try, it is going to be extremely taxing and difficult. R takes 2-5 years.

You are free to fire any questions at me and I will be happy to share the reasons for our success at this stage.

Cleaning up your side of the fence (convince her YOU have changed), being strong and having your OWN boundaries (ie�don�t be a doormat for her) will go a long way in earning her respect back in her consideration to take another look at the M. Also, making the A more trouble than it is work ie..run that POSOM out of your lives.

There is hope my man. Keep a strong backbone and your chin up!

Thanks 20 Year for your input. I think she has a long way to go, the secrecy, attitude, and personality that is foreign to me is very difficult to work with. I don't know if she will come back to normal. I know in your case and some others ( MM) they came back to normality in plan B.

She is one of six kids ( 5 siblings) of the 6 , she will be the third of six to leave their spouse and divorce them. An older brother left his wife, divorced her and is in an affairage. Her younger sister, had an on line EA with a woman, and left her husband and divorced him. and her OW moved in.

On a positive note, she has another older brother, his wife left him and moved in with her OM for several months, she came back and they reconciled.

In terms of divorce, she is well schooled by her siblings. She has a good support network of friends from work, and family close by ( all within an hour or so drive).

I work from home, so my work colleagues are all remote, and my family is in another country ( Scotland), Iterms of having a support network, I am at a disadvantage.

I have kept my boundaries high throughout this whole ordeal, as I have throughout our 25 year history together, and have avoided many high risk situations where an affair could have happened ( like most people in a committed marriage) My side of the street has improved, but has been pretty good, the only LB's that she can throw back at me were the few days after DD in which I was emotionally distraught and had some AO's.

Anyway - I think it will be plan B, but I don't think it will be 2 years - maybe 2 years total from when she showed signs of the affair - around Memorial Day last year.

I think her moving out will help my recovery, as it has been several months of secrecy, strange behavior, and the rollercoaster ride is taking its toll.

If it comes to plan B, just make sure you keep your side of the fence clean. I didn't, and it had serious negative consequences on my emotional well being. It's hard to quiet your taker after you've been giving for so long, but it is not worth it to give in. Stay strong.

Once I really came to the mental place that I only have control over my own actions and put my sole focus on myself..the world became an easier place to exist.


My professional career has skyrocketed, my personal relationships have never been better and I am just mentally stronger.

One of my biggest accomplishments was winning Employee of The Year at the company I work for...Now normally, this wouldn't be a huge deal..although quite an honor in itself..However, this award was given to me at the end of the year that I discovered my FWW's A and was going through the most difficult experience of my life.

Looking back, I don't know how I even kept my job let along win Employee of the Year.

How? I focused solely on myself, my own behaviors and decisions!

Amen to this

Quick update - note the new name. First - thanks for the comments from WOW and 20Year, I am feeling exhausted from fighting for my marriage, and living together with WW while the affair is active ( by text etc) is wearing me down. I have agreed to the divorce, which will be final next month, and agreed to release funds for ww to move in to the house that she bought in advance of the divorce settlement. Plan B will be after the divorce, or after she moves out, which ever comes first. I am ready to move on without her and work on rebuilding my life. I am now one year out from any intimacy in my life, and need to feel valued as a human being, I am done being demonized and trashed in order for ww to feel good about herself.

As far as plan B goes, I do not have an IM, anyone that I have asked has told me that they do not want to get involved, so I am still looking.

Anyway, my venting is done for now, thanks for the words of encouragement from all those who posted.

When she moves out, why not get an email IM? Say, someone from MB?

I did not realize I could do that, it could be a fair amount of work. Do other people do this ? how much do they get paid ?

I am in the early stages of my own little hell, so I can't offer any wisdom on yours, though this board has plenty to offer!
I just read your entire thread and I wanted to comment from a different point of view- that of a child of divorce. My parents divorced after 28 yrs of marriage b/c my father was a serial cheater who had another life. I was 23 at the time, and my younger sister was 16. All of us were shell shocked and devastated, my mother most of all. That was 9 years ago. I despised my father for a few years and it took time and a lot of prayer to forgive him. We are friends, but it is a moderately shallow relationship. My Mom is my best friend and we talk 2 or 3 times per day. Please do your children, most of all your daughter, the favor of being honest with them. Try to do it without venom or malice, but be clear about why your marriage is ending and how hard you have tried to fix it (and you have gone to heroic lengths). Girls desperately need a father who they can love, look up to, and use as a role model for choosing a mate. Your daughter is at a tough time in life, and, like me, it may take a couple yers to figure out where she stands. Just stay the course of honesty, love and support. My father was a terrible role model and I married his clone. My younger sister never recovered from the feelings of abandonment and killed herself almost two years ago. You have done an admirable job of attempting to save this marriage, and it will pay dividends for decades with your children and one day with your grandchildren. You may end up being the parent they talk to daily and WW will be just a friend. Be honest with them, and try to stress what you have learned about relationships from this process. I just wanted you to know that even if your marriage fails, you will eventually succeed with your kids and that is so incredibly important.

No one gets paid to be an IM, they volunteer. They are the filter between the WS and BS.

Here. IM Training School

Almnac,
Thank you for your insight and comments, I have followed your thread and can see that you got some valuable advice from seasoned veterans like Pepperband and others plus the Radio show advice for some actions to take once the baby is born. I hope that you can get on the path to recovery of your marriage using MB principles.

To be honest, I think my kids are closer to my wife than they are to me, that is just the way it is. When the kids were born and through their younger years, my wife was a SAHM, when they were in school, they went back to work part time. I have always taken the brunt of the financial commitment, and worked many hours, travelled etc in order to meet our financial needs. I am probably like Jon in the SAA book, and maybe the affair happened for similar reasons. Since we are not physically separated yet, there is no real effect on the children yet, there activities are unchanged, we both support them in the same way etc. Once the separation happens, that will change. I hope to develop a closer bond to my children as they get older. They know the reasons for the marriage break up, but seem to be in some kind of denial, which I think is due to WW's spin.

We have a shared custody arrangement with my DD after the separation, it is pretty much 50/50 during the summer, then alternate weekends plus a week night during the school year. I am not looking forward to my DD not living primarily in the same house as me, but it is not something that I can control, I did the best I could to get the agreement that I got.

WW has behaved badly to me, and is secretive and dishonest - however she is still an excellent mother, I think this is a bit different from the situation with your dad. I am sorry to hear about your sister, and I hope that the rest of your family has healed from the break up. In plan B, my door will be open to reconciliation ( for a while) but there might come a point when I am ready to move on, and plan B will prepare me for that.


Brainhurts - Thanks for your input, I will continue to try to find an IM locally, if I cant find one, then I will ask the forum for help.