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I have read both HNHN and LB. I filled out my emotional needs and gave them to my wife. She read through my answers and became very concerned that I had listed honest and openness as 7th on my list. I am having a very difficult time explaining that although my needs ranked it at 7th, it doesn't mean it isn't important to me and that i don't think it is critical in a successful marriage - because i do, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. She has started reading the books, but mostly jumped to the honesty and openness chapter in the HNHN book. I'm over here scratching my head about the questionaire backfiring on me. Any suggestions?
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She doesn't get to choose what your most important needs are.
Also ENs change as the R changes, you age, etc.
You probably listed it low because she has probably been O&H with you. Ya think?
Me: 57 Her: 54 M: 31 years Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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But, what can I do to help explain the concept?
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But, what can I do to help explain the concept? Has she read HNHN also?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages, so I encourage each couple to ignore what I say about average male and female needs and identify those that are unique to them. That way each spouse's list of the most important emotional needs reflects what he or she appreciates the most. When they meet those needs for each other, they create the greatest happiness, and trigger a mutual feeling of love. The Most important Emotional Needs
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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mostly just the O & H chapter.
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I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages, so I encourage each couple to ignore what I say about average male and female needs and identify those that are unique to them. That way each spouse's list of the most important emotional needs reflects what he or she appreciates the most. When they meet those needs for each other, they create the greatest happiness, and trigger a mutual feeling of love. The Most important Emotional NeedsDid you see this?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What about having her listen to Dr. Harley explain it? Radio Clip of Dr. Harley Explaining the ENs
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Here's another. Radio Clip
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have read both HNHN and LB. I filled out my emotional needs and gave them to my wife. She read through my answers and became very concerned that I had listed honest and openness as 7th on my list. I am having a very difficult time explaining that although my needs ranked it at 7th, it doesn't mean it isn't important to me and that i don't think it is critical in a successful marriage - because i do, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. She has started reading the books, but mostly jumped to the honesty and openness chapter in the HNHN book. I'm over here scratching my head about the questionaire backfiring on me. Any suggestions? I don't understand what the problem is. Can you explain what the basic issue? Radical honesty is a basic concept of this program regardless of whether or not O/H is an emotional need. Does she understand that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Brain, i listened to those two audio clips and i didn't feel they cleared up or focused on H&O. Maybe they weren't the intended clips?
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Brain, i listened to those two audio clips and i didn't feel they cleared up or focused on H&O. Maybe they weren't the intended clips? They were supposed to help to explain, from Dr. H, how everyone has their own ENs. Did you not get that? Your DW not believing your placement of O&H is a DJ. Will your DW come here an post? Did you want clips on O&H?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Clips on O&H would be great
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Clips on O&H would be great Don't pigeon hole yourself into talking with her only about O&H. There has to be a way of diluting the conversation into more than that. How about you try talking about her needs? I suspect O&H are close to #1 on her list. Seek to understand her perspective. Maybe then you'll be given the opportunity to explain to her your persepective.
Me: 57 Her: 54 M: 31 years Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Everyone ranks their needs differently. Honesty and openness are for me #1. For my husband it's SF. His top needs are important to me because I care about him. And hopefully vice versa.
I think often times the way we rank our needs is based on what we feel we don't get. Usually our spouse's top needs are going to rank lower for us because they generally meet those naturally. So if H&O is a top need for her, she will likely meet it for you easily, making it a lower priority on your list. Just like if I feel like I'm getting more than enough SF I'll probably rank that as lower. How we rank emotional needs are more reflective of what we feel we need to receive, not so much what we are willing to give.
Really all 10 needs are vitally important to all of us. If one of them is missing we are likely to feel at least some degree of discontent.
Maybe try to explain it that way and see if that helps.
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Asking the question again since I STILL have absolutely no idea what the problem is. You say H&O is 7th on your list. So what? What is the issue with that? Why is that a problem? I have read both HNHN and LB. I filled out my emotional needs and gave them to my wife. She read through my answers and became very concerned that I had listed honest and openness as 7th on my list. I am having a very difficult time explaining that although my needs ranked it at 7th, it doesn't mean it isn't important to me and that i don't think it is critical in a successful marriage - because i do, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. She has started reading the books, but mostly jumped to the honesty and openness chapter in the HNHN book. I'm over here scratching my head about the questionaire backfiring on me. Any suggestions? I don't understand what the problem is. Can you explain what the basic issue? Radical honesty is a basic concept of this program regardless of whether or not O/H is an emotional need. Does she understand that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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