That's great news, Mel!

And the meatloaf sounds awesome.

Checking in...

Things are going very well in my opimion. We are talking, communicating and spending time together...it's been so very pleasant.

We POJA'd the storm door..I must say the new one looks beautiful! We both LOVE it. We went to look at them and settled for the one we both liked (USA made to!). It was a little more cost wise then what I had anticipated to spend..I was going for the one on sale for $100.00...he is a quality man and could tell it wasn't of the sturdy quality that we need for our busy home. We ended up spending twice as much, but we are both thrilled with the results...it took us around 3.5 hours to install but we did it without any arguments or anything, actually enjoyed it

Been thinking about my reluctence to want to help in the home remodeling...I believe it stems from the past when we would work on the house togther and we would argue, there was impatience, etc...it just turned me off to wanting to be involved in it anymore. I think with the things we are learning from here together, it will be much better this time around.

He got called out to work for the next week or two so he will be busy 10-12 hours per day...I will make sure to have things nice and pleasant at home for him...I did marry a good, quality man, sometimes I can lose sight of that.

Will keep things updated as much as possible..

Nice update.

I have heard Dr. Harley mention on a couple of occasions that he doesn't recommend couples (especially those with some problems) work on DIY home renovation projects. It places additional stress on the marriage. In any case, it is good to hear that you two negotiated the door and got it installed and both are happy with the outcome.

When you are planning your "undivided attention" time, be sure to include fun things that you both like to do. It adds to the lovebank.

AM

Well....we have hit a snag, a big snag...

Sunday I was feeling very miserable...Allergies kicked my butt...I had itchy, burning eyes, sinus were completely clogged, couldn't breath thru my nose, pms, terrible cramping...I complained to BB all day about how awful I felt...I sat otside with him for a few later in the afternoon, he wanted me to...we talked and watched dogs play.

later in the day around 5 or so I asked if homemade pizza was ok for dinner...he said yes..he went out to the back part of property for a little bit...came back and I had not statred pizzas yet..he became aggitated because he was hungry and expected pizza to be done when he came back into the house. He started making some snide comments so I started making the pizzas...he then started getting angrier with me and started putting me down and calling me selfish and said all I do is think about myself because I didn't ask anyone else what they wanted on their pizza...to which I said I was making them as I usually do, I know what the kids like and so forth...tension getitng worse and him berating getting worse...I was very shocked at the total change in his demeanor when he came back in the house...I flat out asked him if he was on drugs or something, our son was listening to everything unfold...so heard all that his dad was saying to me and heard me ask his dad that ...

He got up, walked over to the stove where I was at and decided he was going to help and at that point I walked away, came downstairs...I felt that it was best at that time considering the bad vibes going on..I sat at the computer to finish uploading pictures I had taken the night before and to be left alone, he came down and continued on with his barrage of angriness...

We have not worked anything out..we have been texting and emailing during lunch breaks, etc...but it's getting no where. I know I should not have said what I said about drugs and I have apologized for that...he on the other hand refuses to acknowledge his part...he has admitted that he came in and started treating me crappy but that is as far as he has gotten and is willing to go with it.

His thing is that I was meaner and uglier then him. That I didn't use MB ways and instead of sitting silently and calmly letting him verbally abuse me, I instead had my own AO and said a very mean thing and he is having a hard time getting over it, so therefore can't give me a sincere apology.

Quite frankly I find this whole thing with him absurd...the longer he sits and tells me what a bad person I am for saying anything, the more deeply rooted my resentment and burning is getting...I feel like he stabbed me in the back when he came in the house and started treating me that way especially since I was miserable all day long and told him so all day long..

He said I couldn't have felt that bad since I sat out side with him like he wanted and went to mess with pictures...

I am beginning to not want to be around him and his double standard way of thinking...right now..I don't want to hang around with him becasue of his total lack of apology to me when he started this whole thing...

We got our books...I have started reading them and asked him the other night when he was going to...I got "when I'm ready"...since he asked me when I was planning on making the pizzas...I said when I felt ready to...so he is throwing things in my face at this point.

this is getting old and I am getting tired.

I have asked him to read Love Busters...no go yet.

And thru all this I have continued to get up and pack his lunch everyday, make sure he has clean work clothes, etc...ad all I get is that i'm selfish, mean and ugly.

I feel like a broken wing right now.

Can you afford MB coaching?

Did either of you write Dr. Harley?

mel,

I am sorry you two are having a hard time implementing the program. It can be difficult to let go of old, familiar behavior.

You are the one posting �. so brace yourself.

You are now distraught over his behavior. Understood. But you own your piece of the puzzle and this latest exchange was a failure on both your parts.

You cannot excuse your behavior just because you apologized. In order for things to be better you have to be better. You had an opportunity to change the status-quo. Mr. Mel is out of control and probably being verbally abusive.

There was an opportunity there for you to change the dynamics of your interactions. Remaining calm, asking him nicely to stop being cruel, etc. You did well to leave the room BUT you didn�t do it in the fashion that would have helped. You could have been truthful. �Right now I feel I�m being hurt and I need a moment to myself so I am going to excuse myself.�. Just upping and walking out fuels his fire � I suspect you know this but did it anyways.

Until you change your behavior I don�t think you can expect his to change. Let�s clean up this side of the street. Let�s be the lighthouse for your M.

If you don�t know how to do that please call the Coaching Center. Get Steve or Jennifer to help you. They have very direct action oriented ways of changing behaviors.

Now to soften that blow I will say your H has a lot to learn. That he sounds so withdrawn, so full of resentment and is so unhappy it comes out as anger.

It would be very helpful for him to visit this forum and take his share of 2x4s.

In the meantime I hope you can find it in yourself today to sort of just reset and get back on the MB horse and try again.

Can't really say it any better than MrAlias. Be the lighthouse. If you don't like his behavior, just be open and honest and respectfully say I need some time away from you when you talk to me in that fashion. I don't want to say something that I will regret, so I'm going to step away for a while and when I feel better, I'll be back.

You said a few weeks ago that he indicated he wants you to be open and honest.

Well do that. Tell him how his behavior impacts you WHILE keeping a lid on your own behavior.

Let him see a different reaction to his behavior. Be the lighthouse.

The pizza incident may have been resolved by simply acknowledging that he had a different expectation AND indicating that you find his current behavior to be unacceptable. Suggest that if he expects pizza that the two of you should negotiate a specific outcome. I.E. I'd like to eat when I finish what I'm doing at the back of the property, I should be back by 6:30, will pizza be ready then?

A quick look at the thread indicates that you each have largely unspoken ideas about what the other should do.

You thought he should paint/primer, even though he asked you. Somehow he was left with the impression you would. So if you said yes and then didn't do it, it's probably a love buster. If he assumed you would based on him asking, well then he has something to correct.

There is a difference between saying he/she should because and making a respectful request to do something.

Love Buster: He should paint because he's not working.
Respectful Request: Would you finish the painting before you return to work?

Love Buster: You had enough time to get the pizza done while I was out.
Respectful Request: Please have the pizza done before I get back from the back property?

Love Buster: Are you on drugs?
Respectful Request: You seem bothered, is there anything I can do?

And so on...

mel, I am sorry for starting the fight about the pizza. We have slowly grown apart because of all the love busters through out the years. I think its going to take some time to trust each other and build the love banks back up..I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes along the way...love always bb