ok I can't turn my brain off, does this seem like the right direction? I can't believe I'm asking, but sometimes I feel like there's more I can do? probably just the desperation talking but this is horrible. I am moving forward but still long for my family to be together,and to be w my wife.

Sorry, which direction?

It is very common to think and feel the way you do at this stage. This new reality is so fresh for you where she has been dealing with this for some time. Two totally different perspectives.

I encourage you to not make any major decisions for 6 months. Expect your emotions/thoughts/feelings to swing wildly across the spectrum daily, hourly, weekly.

One minute you will want the M more than anything, the next you will feel complete hopelessness.

If you follow SAA word by word, step by step, you can give yourself a shot at R.

My D-day was most emotional. I kicked my W out of the house immediately and never in a million years did I think R was possible. However, I was wrong.

If you can find a way to just be a little bit patient with the entire situation you may just find that R is what you both want.

Most likely your WW thinks the situation is hopeless and you would never want her as your W again.

If she can break away from this POSOM and de-fog herself, her feelings can change.

What was she getting from the OM that she wasn't getting from you?

What were the things that caused her to fall out of love with you?

What were the conditions that led to the A and made it possible?

There are always Reasons for an A but never Excuses. If you can define and fix the reasons, her attitude can change about her williness to stay in the M.

the only answers I could ever get as to reasons were a few arguments we had over the past 9 yrs and she didnt like that I would stay up late on wknds, and that she just didnt like romance and intimacy which I would always try to put in the relationship,and she would basically say that she didnt want to change anything about me she just didnt feel in love w me anymore.I used to ask her what i could do different or what could i do more of that she liked and I could never get anywhere with her, shes always had trouble being honest about her feelings.

I am very good at patience, I havenot once begged or sulked through the this, i have calmly but firmly stood my ground, I know she has been deep in the fog and still is. I have the kids most of the time and she seems to really like the lifestyle of being free of marriage and the stresses of family life, I'm just focusing on the kids and work and this new family life. I know thes feelings seem to ebb and flow and i just take it as it comes, this is a good place to let some out and all you guys are really helpful, thanks

ok I ordered the saa book, some questions i have now are, since i have spent the last 6 mnths trying to fill my w en's and being kind and supportive and loving to her even though i didnt realize there was an affair until the last couple mnths, should i continue to do those things while shes still involved w this guy or is it futile? for example she will txt me sometimes and i WANT to have a conversation but not sure if thats the right thing, anytime she does contact me i just try and hit on the things we still connect w

i wont bring up our relationship or marriage or any of that, just kind of talk about whatever and make her laugh,as i have always been good at that, as long as these divorce papers arent filed i feel that i cant totally move forward and i wont because i am still married right now,as hard as it is to be this way knowing she seems ok filling her other needs elsewhere while still married to me,i can do it if it could have any positive affect down the road.

I am readin saa and now doubting my actions to ask for divorce.I know she was the one to eventually sign as the filer, but I feel its my fault,the papers are still in the car. I'm thinking maybe I should wait until she brings it up, or tell her I don't want to do it.I'm not sure what to do, they are filled out and notorized, would I need to get them and tear them up? or do we still both need to be present to file them? I'm sorry I can't seem to make up my mind, but I guess in my own fog I thought that it would help to suggest divorce, I don't know what I'm doing.

Did you ever expose?

Tunedin I am sorry for your loss. It's devastating to find yourself grieving the loss of a parent whilst your grieving the loss of your marriage and family.

Take care of yourself and your children during this emotional time. You need to give yourself time to work through your grief and support your children as they process their grief. Not an easy time, sadly I know first hand how difficult this is particularly when dealing with wayward behaviour.

yes I tried exposure, thats when everything went crazy and I felt I had no other choice to stop the trainwreck, I was trying to just weather the storm, but i think my wife or om were working on a plan to somehow get me out of the pic,thats when i found out she was accusing me of physical abuse, i was fearing for the well being of my kids and I.

thats why i spoke of divorce to my w and i was able to quell everything. im just wondering now where i should start again,should i just keep filling whatever needs she lets me if she calls or wants to come to the house, or just try and let the affair die naturally. the kids are w me most of the time. and it seems almost exactly like the sue and jon and greg story,maybe not quite as much soulmates,but pretty close.

To whom did WW report "physical abuse"?

LINK to NON-MB site <~~~ Link to S.P.A.R.C.

"False allegations of domestic abuse"

Read down.
There is a part that discusses "Protecting yourself against allegations of abuse".

Buy a VAR (or 2 or 3) and have them at the ready.

I know she told her mom for sure, but probably others too, after i got things calmed down w the divorce talk i asked her if she would call her mom right then and tell her it wasnt true and she did.

she took the tablet i had been using as var so im gonna get a new one for anytime we encounter,which isnt much right now since she is living in her apartment,I am focusing on what i want in life for me and the kids(which i have most of the time)and she contacts me on occasion now just to talk, I avoid all love busters and just try to focus on the things we connect with,maybe over time i can make enough deposits to get somewhere near reconciling, I just hate the fact that those divorce papers are just sitting in the car,

but i think bringing it up would just make a huge withdrawl,do you think this is the right way to continue.

go ahead with the divorce asap. you have the upper hand with custody. get that legalized! maybe you can reconcile later but this has really gotten out of hand.

the thing is, they all go crazy during exposure. if you'd been able to stay calm and had protection in terms of a VAR you might have been able to ride it out.

as it stands though, with her out of the house, i think getting this wrapped up will work in your favor in the long run. get those papers out of her car and filed!

she's cake eating by not going through with the divorce and carrying on with her affair. put a stop to it and stop letting this woman run roughshod all over you.