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Hello,
***EDIT*** I am new to this website. I have recently had troubles in my marriage since we were engaged. Before my wife and I were married we called off the wedding because I was caught cheating on her with another woman through texting/sexting and phone calls. After a month or two of being split up we decided to get back together and were married in 2007. We started off great (as most marriages start off) and things were good. Then around 2009, my wife was pregnant with our first son, I was caught cheating on the internet through emails and chat rooms. My wife was devastated and I was sick of myself. We argued about it and came to a resolution of trying to solve the program and move on. At this time my wife had me sign a letter stating that if I was to do this again she would divorce me and leave. I signed it and things were better for awhile. We raised our first son and had another son. During the time I grew frustrated with our sex life. She was less interested in me and I wanted to have sex with her. We would argue over the issue and come to an agreement. Things would be good for a week or two and then I would start to be frustrated again. I don't know if I was creating unreal expectations in the bedroom. But recently, I was caught again with another internet infidelity. I don't know how I have got to this point in my life having myself turn to the internet to fulfill my sexual desires. It isn't what I want, and I don't want to go down this path. My wife wants to separate and divorce me. I hate myself every night because of what I have done. We have two beautiful boys we both love very much. I have told my wife that I wanted her and her affection but somehow along the way, I was pulled to the internet because of the affection and attention I was receiving from people online.
I have read through the infidelity parts of the website, I have not moved out of the house yet. Though my wife would like me to so we can separate. We have not said anything to our 3 year old son yet. When they are awake we pretend like nothing happened and it feels great. We are a family and being great parents to our boys. But when they go to bed, my wife and I will sit at the dinner table and I will express the things I have been reading on your website. She insist she wants nothing to do with the website. We talk about the issue of infidelity and I want to make things right for myself, her, and our family. I displayed a plan for her to see the steps I am going to take to better myself. I plan to attend SAA meetings, get protection on our computer to block adult material. Avoid traps that would cause me to have internet infidelity again. But my wife will have nothing to do with seeing a marriage counselor. She is refusing at the moment but I feel it could help us use a third party to finally get deep into our marriage and see if there is a true chance of saving it. I don't know what else to do. I read your website everyday and write down notes to share with my wife at the dinner table each night. I am asking, is there a chance I can save my marriage? How can I convince her to visit with a marriage counselor with me? How can I truly rid myself of committing such hurtful acts of infidelity towards my wife? I am desperately putting every ounce of energy and effort into saving our marriage before we go down the path of divorce. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope to seek advice as I continue to read through this helpful and supportive website.
Last edited by Toujours; 05/29/13 09:22 PM. Reason: Removing name
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Hello,
My name is Richard and I am new to this website. I have recently had troubles in my marriage since we were engaged. Before my wife and I were married we called off the wedding because I was caught cheating on her with another woman through texting/sexting and phone calls. After a month or two of being split up we decided to get back together and were married in 2007.
We started off great (as most marriages start off) and things were good. Then around 2009, my wife was pregnant with our first son, I was caught cheating on the internet through emails and chat rooms. My wife was devastated and I was sick of myself. We argued about it and came to a resolution of trying to solve the program and move on. At this time my wife had me sign a letter stating that if I was to do this again she would divorce me and leave. I signed it and things were better for awhile.
We raised our first son and had another son. During the time I grew frustrated with our sex life. She was less interested in me and I wanted to have sex with her. We would argue over the issue and come to an agreement. Things would be good for a week or two and then I would start to be frustrated again. I don't know if I was creating unreal expectations in the bedroom. But recently, I was caught again with another internet infidelity.
I don't know how I have got to this point in my life having myself turn to the internet to fulfill my sexual desires. It isn't what I want, and I don't want to go down this path.
My wife wants to separate and divorce me. I hate myself every night because of what I have done. We have two beautiful boys we both love very much. I have told my wife that I wanted her and her affection but somehow along the way, I was pulled to the internet because of the affection and attention I was receiving from people online.
I have read through the infidelity parts of the website, I have not moved out of the house yet. Though my wife would like me to so we can separate. We have not said anything to our 3 year old son yet. When they are awake we pretend like nothing happened and it feels great. We are a family and being great parents to our boys. But when they go to bed, my wife and I will sit at the dinner table and I will express the things I have been reading on your website.
She insist she wants nothing to do with the website. We talk about the issue of infidelity and I want to make things right for myself, her, and our family. I displayed a plan for her to see the steps I am going to take to better myself. I plan to attend SAA meetings, get protection on our computer to block adult material. Avoid traps that would cause me to have internet infidelity again. But my wife will have nothing to do with seeing a marriage counselor. She is refusing at the moment but I feel it could help us use a third party to finally get deep into our marriage and see if there is a true chance of saving it. I don't know what else to do. I read your website everyday and write down notes to share with my wife at the dinner table each night.
I am asking, is there a chance I can save my marriage? How can I convince her to visit with a marriage counselor with me? How can I truly rid myself of committing such hurtful acts of infidelity towards my wife? I am desperately putting every ounce of energy and effort into saving our marriage before we go down the path of divorce.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope to seek advice as I continue to read through this helpful and supportive website. Paragraphs are your friends. Welcome to MB. LINK to "start here"
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I would venture a guess that you have pretty much love-busted your way to her empty love bank. Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
You cannot talk your way out of this. She no longer loves you. You drained her dry of her love. Personally, I agree with your wife's decision NOT to see a marriage counselor (MC). She's already heard all your excuses and rationalizations.
You say: I feel it could help us use a third party to finally get deep into our marriage and see if there is a true chance of saving it I respectfully disagree. You need to show changes that are positive, sincere, and consistent over time. Anything less than that will not work. No 3rd party is going to convince your wife. That would be so easy for you, wouldn't it? NOPE. You're going to have to roll up your sleeves and get to work eliminating love busters, constructing your extraordinary precautions and meeting her needs when (if) she allow you to. Is there hope? Sure. But MC is not your answer. Want to show your exasperated wife some real progress? YOU call MB and YOU book yourself an appointment for YOU to learn steps to TAKE (not things to say) to turn this disaster around. What say you?
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*** LINK *** schedule an appointment You better do this .... she's seriously DONE with listening to you. Show aggressively positive behavioral changes. They will COACH you how.
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Exactly what PB said.
What EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) do you think need to be put into place to prevent your BW from ever being hurt like this again? Be specific.
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Thank you for taking the time to respond. This is good advice I am looking for. I want to change, this website has opened my eyes like never before. I have never really written down a plan to better myself. Thank you for the honest response, I really appreciate the advice I do plan to call the number to speak with someone to assist me. Thank you.
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I plan to attend SAA meetings, get protection on our computer to block adult material. Avoid traps that would cause me to have internet infidelity again. This is not enough.
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The reason you keep committing infidelity is because the environment that makes them tempting has never changed. For example, if you get hit by a car playing chicken, the solution is to stay out of the road. If you are an alcoholic, the solution is to stay out of bars. In your case, the solution would be to stay off the Internet unless your wife is with you. You don't need to go to SAA or go to counseling to know that.
The other big miss in your marriage is that your wife no longer wants to have sex with you because she is no longer in love. The solution there would be to use this program so she falls back in love and has a desire to make love to you again.
Please go read the first thread in this forum and then go read the basic concepts. If you will take a serious approach to this program it can change your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Right now I plan on getting software to block adult websites. my wife tends to go to bed early before me and when I am alone at night I will search the internet to attention. I plan to go to bed when my wife goes to bed (right now we are not sleeping in the same bed, I am in the basement). I am going to meet a counselor and attend SAA (they have a group meeting in my area). Those are a few ideas of a plan I have put in place.
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You have a very long history of leading a secret second life. It has probably become easy for you to lie.
I would urge you to make sure you do not lie or hide anything else. It will just make things WORSE.
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/07/13 02:45 PM.
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Thank you very much for responding. This is honest, brutal, and to the point. This is what I needed. I know I have hurt my wife terrible. I hate myself for that. I have pretended that I can stop and handle the issue. But I finally realize I can't. I need help and I want to get better.
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Right now I plan on getting software to block adult websites. my wife tends to go to bed early before me and when I am alone at night I will search the internet to attention. I plan to go to bed when my wife goes to bed (right now we are not sleeping in the same bed, I am in the basement). I am going to meet a counselor and attend SAA (they have a group meeting in my area). Those are a few ideas of a plan I have put in place. I would stay off e computer forever unless your wife is right there with you. She should password protect it so you can't get on yourself. It is every waywards dream to run off to "counseling" and waste a few years talking about his childhood. That is a needless distraction from your problems. You could be spending that time working on your marriage. The same thing with SAA. A waste of time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you come completely clean?
Your vagueness with your history of cheating is a red flag.
pre-marriage cheating
2009 - how many affairs and duration of each?
2013 - how many affairs and duration of each?
Any other affairs?
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/07/13 02:48 PM.
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If this helped, we'd advise you to continue hating yourself. But, it does not help. Quit saying this. It does not impress anyone here and it is completely useless to your recovery.
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I do plan to call the number to speak with someone to assist me. Thank you. Let us know when your first appointment is scheduled.
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Right now I plan on getting software to block adult websites. my wife tends to go to bed early before me and when I am alone at night I will search the internet to attention. I plan to go to bed when my wife goes to bed (right now we are not sleeping in the same bed, I am in the basement). I am going to meet a counselor and attend SAA (they have a group meeting in my area). Those are a few ideas of a plan I have put in place. Husband1983, I'm reading a lot of plans that you have. What have you actually DONE so far to eliminate this behavior? Your wife isn't interested in your plans. She may be more responsive to action. She isn't interested in Marriage Builders right now because it's one more of your many "plans". She may become more interested if she actually sees some action. I would also suggest that you re-frame your thinking about your behavior. It was striking to read in your first post the number of times you "got caught" being unfaithful. How about you go back to your first post and read it again. Every time you see "I got caught" change it to "I made the decision". "I got caught" is a little ambivalent. You aren't a poor, hapless person stumbling onto porn sites. You made a decision to be unfaithful, and THEN you went to those places. Own your stuff, Husband1983.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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This a very good point. I am owning up to my decision to cheat on my wife with emotional relationships online. I knew what I was doing, I see that know. I don't know why I used "got caught". I made a decision to get on the websites and I decided to not reveal it to my wife.
I have started to not get on the computer unless I need to with my wife (Melody Lane suggested). I am also not staying up late once my wife goes to bed (The time my decision making would take place).
My question is Melody Lane suggested that SAA is a waste of time. I am only asking because I thought that would help me and my understanding of why I run to porn or chat rooms to get my needs.
I am going through the EPs and will start using them in my life. My question is, should I address this with my wife right now (sit at the dinner table and talk) or do I just need to shut up and show her? I am trying to refill my love bank account with deposits (Complementing her on her looks, helping her around the house). I know these are not enough to fix everything but I do not want to be pushy and force myself on her.
I know the website says that time heals and to be patient.
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I have sent in my request for an appointment this morning. I will hear back from them in 1 business day.
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Pre Marriage - I started texting/sexting and phone calling a female I knew for sexual wants.
2009 - I began exploring chat rooms advertised on porn sites. I then would begin emailing individuals again for sexual wants.
2013 - Again I would turn to porn to meet my sexual wants. Again, chat room advertisements would pop up and I would sign up to join. I had a secret email I used to log in.
I tried to hide all of these. I made the decision to start all three and I made the decision to hide them forever.
Last edited by Husband1983; 05/08/13 09:29 AM.
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