My wife and I talked last night. I discussed that I discovered from the website that I was all of the love busters.

I was selfish demanding for sex in the relationship. I discovered that I was emptying the love bank in our relationship and there wasn't any love from her to me. Therefore there wasn't any intimacy in the relationship and I never understood till now. She would explain to me that she felt numb. At the time I never understood what she was talking about and always got mad (Angry Outburst) and told her it was her problem and she needed to fix it (Disrespectful Judgments).

My annoying habits was never taking charge and help clean up the house (an emotional need for her). Or really stepping up and taking care of financial demands on the family (another emotional need for her).

Soon my independent behavior led me to searching the internet for affection and attention.

Finally, dishonesty lead me to making the decision to start the emotional connection with people online and I decided to hide it from her the whole time.

I apologized for not being a good husband during our marriage. I was close minded and thought I was doing all that I could to be in the marriage.

I thought most of her problems in the marriage was for her to fix and I never realized it was because I was emptying my love bank account every time I missed an opportunity to connect with her.

This website, the letters, the responses have helped me to realize I was a terrible husband, I was not fully in the marriage. I wasn't there for her emotional needs, her protection and care.

This website and all of you responding has helped me to begin behavior change. Talk is cheap and I am ready to continue to read through the stories and Q&A. I am ready to identify faults in my life and faults from my decisions in my marriage. I know the road ahead of me is hard but this website had helped prepare me for the tough times ahead.

Please continue to discuss with me issues you see. I except all criticism and honesty. You have no idea how helpful you are at making me look at things differently.

I have never learned so much about myself in the three days I have discovered this website. I know I am not fully a changed man but I am fully committed to the behavior changes needed in my life.

Well said. Even if your marriage does not make it, you need to learn the lessons.

Keep posting. Keep reading.We want you to succeed. You have bad habits. Bad habits are insidious. The bad habits tend to reemerge when you feel stressed or tired. Get enough rest. Exercise. Take care of your physical body.

What shape is your spiritual life in?

Please look at this. If you allow yourself to backslide, it will be by inches. A "little" slip up. "Just a peek at porn", just a little , only a little, not big enough to be important.

Extraordinary precautions are there to HELP you, not to punish you. The EP's are your hedge against dangerous inches.

Right now, I am getting rest. I am sleeping in the basement, I go to bed when my wife goes to bed. I am changing that habit of staying up late while she sleeps.

I hate to say it but my time is consumed with the letters and readings of this website. I keep digging deeper and deeper into the sections and Q&As for solutions and answers to my personal decision and problems.

Spiritually, before the separation, we attended church on a regular basis. I turned to church to help on Sunday but I sinned Monday through Saturday. I don't know why I can't fully except Jesus into my heart. I feel so ashamed when I attend church but I feel so motivated when I leave. Then things turn back to the same old thing.

Gosh, after writing that and reading it, my spiritual life is nowhere. I pretended to be a spiritual man, I am not. My behavior in that area needs to change as well.

Again, this website helps me discover myself every day. The chatting is really helping me find myself and the direction I want my life to go in.

Call your pastor (today) and ask for a 1:1 meeting to discuss your situation. You need to enlist a prayer warrior on your side. You need to ask for an accountability partner.

You can turn this around.

"I have started to not get on the computer unless I need to with my wife (Melody Lane suggested). I am also not staying up late once my wife goes to bed (The time my decision making would take place). "

But that is not what I suggested, though. If you are not password protected off the computer then you are not safe.

"My question is Melody Lane suggested that SAA is a waste of time. I am only asking because I thought that would help me and my understanding of why I run to porn or chat rooms to get my needs. "

The reason why is because you have access. You don't need to understand anything beyond that in order to change your behavior. It is like an alcoholic. He doesn't have to know why he drinks to sober up, he just needs to stay out of the bar and remove the liquor from his home.

Let's replace "porn" with chocolate covered cherries. (This is an example used on the MB radio program). You are addicted to chocolate covered cherries. Eating chocolate covered cherries relieves your tension and gives you great release and pleasure. You are very, very tempted to eat chocolate covered cherries whenever you can.

What is the fastest way to stop yourself from sneaking into the fridge at night to devour chocolate covered cherries?

You GET RID OF THEM, and you prohibit chocolate covered cherries from ever coming into your home or where you work or anywhere else where you might have eaten chocolate covered cherries in secret!

I have looked at the EPs and I am starting to implement them into my life. As someone suggested earlier, stay way from the computer. I no longer get on the computer at home. I don't desire to after the mess I chose to get myself into with it.

My currect first category EPs

1 - Close all email and social network accounts.
2 - Never get on the computer again.

These are two I can come up with right now. I am thinking of more that need to be in place. Any suggestions would be great.

I like the second category EPs and will implement them as I move forward from here.

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

Those are two great points. Thank you, I will have my wife change the password and I will not be able to log in unless she has log in.

So SAA is not needed if I am keep off the internet. That makes sense. I don't know why I couldn't see that.

So Mel, should I view it as instead of discussing the behavior (SAA meetings). I should block the behavior (Password protected on the computer)?

Perfect example, You and Mel are very helpful in this process. Block out the bad habit, by any means necessary.

"Stay away from the computer" -> ordinary
"Don't have a computer" -> extraordinary
"Wife makes a password for the computer and only she can let me on it" -> extraordinary

"Stay away from the computer" -> relies on willpower, which doesn't work
"Don't have a computer / wife controls access" -> does not rely on willpower, makes it impossible to slip up

"So Mel, should I view it as instead of discussing the behavior (SAA meetings). I should block the behavior (Password protected on the computer)?"

You got it! Focus on closing down any loophole.

This is so helpful, you people have no idea, how moving it is for you to help me and show things in a different light. I have now removed all social media apps (facebook, twitter) on my phone as well. I am cutting off all temptations in my life.

I am committed to stopping the bad behavior and moving forward as a better person.

Thank you again.

Ok, another huge gap in your wall. All of that social media and the apps can be downloaded in 2 seconds. I would hand your wife the smart phone and change over to a flip phone. What else do you have? An iPad?

Make a list of all ways you can see porn and conduct Internet affairs. Then eliminate them.

Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Good advice, we do not have an Ipad. I will begin to write down all the ways to view porn and then eliminate them immediately. Thank you.

Last night I worked on showing my wife I care for her and trying to meet what I think is a important emotional need for her. I took charge in cleaning up around the house.

I look back at our arguments over the years and I always recall her being upset that I didn't take charge in cleaning the house when it needed. She hated that she felt she had to always tell me to clean the house.

After continuing to read through the information and listen to the radio show. I discover more information I want to share with my wife. The Important Emotional Needs questionnaire, how I had failed her as a husband (I finally realize that I wasn't protecting or caring for her). How I am ready to listen to her and be there to meet her needs in our marriage. The only problem is I fear she might not want to listen.

I am trying to display love and affection for her through my actions. Being respectful, complementing her more each day. I want to tell her I love her but I fear it will only upset her more.

The website states there is a window of opportunity to save the marriage. I am worried about how small that window might be. Do I continue to show through actions my love and care for her and hope she sees what I am doing? Do I step forward and explain myself about why I am doing the things I want to do for her? Very confused at this point and looking for help.

I am posting my EPs for others to view. Please give hard, real honest feedback. I want these to be perfect (suggested from another thread offered to me) when I present these to my wife. I have been working on the first category the past two days. I feel there isn't enough on there to be fulfilling. Thank you.

�Category 1� are EPs that I am putting in place immediately.
1. No computer at home. I will only use the internet when I am logged in by my wife.
2. Passwords to all my accounts.
3. I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
4. Sell the house/purchase a new one. Bad memories in our current home. Start fresh.
5. Change my phone to flip phone. To eliminate the negative behavior.

�Category 2� are more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.
1. I will protect my spouse and her feelings above all else.
2. I will use the Policy of Joint Agreement.
3. I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
4. I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
5. I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites.
6. I will trade my phone with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
7. I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I am home.
8. I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s emotional needs every week.
9. Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about this�.� I will call my wife immediately and them her my thoughts.
10. Anything else my wife wants as a boundary.

Another question, would the book, "Surviving an Affair" help? My wife and I are speaking on good terms of not arguing, but we haven't brought up the "elephant in the room" (My internet affairs). We talk about our day, things around the house that need to be done. Schedules for tomorrow, etc. I want to discuss the issue but I feel inside she doesn't. How should I approach this matter?

Worry is not very productive, is it? Be careful, this 'worry' can make you look like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Don't go there. Quicksand of self pity.


She is looking for changes. Especially changes that demonstrate honesty. Not just honesty to lure her back, but honesty because 'honest' is the right & moral way to behave. It can't look like an act. You must make positive changes at the molecular level of your being. You must change for the better because your value system has changed.


No. It will come off as a school child "Look at me! Praise me! Aren't I a good boy?"
You will appear as if you are showing change to lure her back, not because your values are better. Is this understandable? Not sure if I've explained well enough.


What are you confused about?

Here is what my H started to do, and 17.5 years later, he still does it.

Daily he will ask: "Is there anything I can do for you today?".
When he first started asking this, he was a recent adulterer, liar, drunk and low-down louse. I was very skeptical that any thing he uttered was sincere. The only way my H made traction was to ask this question, and then follow through.

I just adore Mr Pep He went from louse to hero. Not overnight. Not by telling me what he was going to do and why he was going to do it.

He just showed up on a daily basis and showed me a changed man.