"I want him to come here and have you guy work with him on PORH and O&H. He admits he cannot imagine using PORH with me, although we've discussed it many times. "

Why not rachet it up this time and actually go through the marriage Builders program? I doubt that there is much the forum can do if you have already tried and failed at do it yourself. Maybe it is time to seek professional help from MB if do it yourself has not worked?

You really need to go through this TOGETHER, not apart. In order to really recover your marriage, it needs to be comprehensive and done together.

The Marriage Builders Coaching Center

Or
The Marriage Builders� Seminar, Home Study Courses, and Accountability Programs

Marriage Builders is a little more comprehensive than that, in that it has specific recommendations for these situations. YES, you apply Marriage Builders for depression (recommendations include 15 hours of undivided attention time for women from their husband); NO, you don't apply later steps of the plan that can't be followed yet (i.e., you wouldn't mandate meeting the emotional needs of an alcoholic).

Let's start him with his group, IC, and posting here, you can bring me in when you want.

I am withdrawn and I don't know that he's got much to offer me right now. Let's see what his Cog Behavioral Therapist has to say about him being depressed. His first appointment is Monday.

I am thoroughly familiar with MB. I am ready ~ when he gets on board. But not until then. It will be a good sign to me when he ASKS for my participation. I am not going to drive this train.

Again, thank you all.

You are wasting your time again. [and ours] You didn't implement MB in your marriage before and you are not doing it now. He doesn't need to see a therapist, he needs to actually use this program. You never really implemented it in the first place. You BOTH need to be driving the train in order to have a great marriage. It is not a one way street.

This forum is not supposed to be a replacement for this program. Where in any of this is a plan to implement the Basic Concepts? Some can make this program work when they are DILIGENT and DISCPLINED at home at implementing the concepts, but you have not achieved that in all the years you have been here. Chatting on a forum does not save marriages.

You still don't have a plan and not having a plan is a plan to fail again.

Are you Drucilla?

Is this you? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...;Main=53337&Number=559191#Post559191

Yes. Drucilla.

I will join him in MB if he asks me.

I've asked too many times.

So if he never asks you then what?? Ten more years of a bad marriage? Have you considered that this kind of approach is why you are here 10 years later in the same bad spot?

Why not call up one of the Harley's and have them sell him on the program. Then go through the online seminar. Sitting around waiting for your spouse to decide to join Marriage Builders is not a plan. It is conflict avoidance.

Why won't you take the lead here and get your marriage out of the ditch? Your H has no idea what MB can really achieve so I am confused why you think he would.

Sitting in the back of a parked car is not going to get you too far. You might have to drive the car for awhile.

It will be a good sign when you both participate in this program together.

He is here posting now, and posters can help him learn to keep his side of the street clean.

So, work on keeping your side of the street clean.


One of the problems you mentioned, is your huband's failure to meet your need for H&O. Based on what I have read, I would suggest the following;


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5016_qa.html

OK, I've not been clear.
I am not doing well.

I've just started eating. My first bite of food was at 8pm last night and I brought most of it home. My urine was orange yesterday because I forgot to drink water. I'm a wreck at work. I cry, a lot. I'm only sleeping with heavy prescription meds. I am HATING life.

If not VERY distracted my head goes to bad places.
I'm having a constant battle that I should have left in 2003. That I am very stupid. That these kinds of addicts don't change. He can knock one out in 15 minutes, I cannot police for that kind of accountability.

I'm constantly weighing the pros and cons of staying in this relationship. That I am a very stupid girl for being here.

He's a very sweet man, he's very easy to be with. I can sit with him and forget it for a while, then it comes rushing back. I need a hug SO badly.

He blew off his men's meeting. He said he had the time wrong, now he's got to wait another month. THIS is what I'm dealing with. He's not going to actively torpedo our marriage, but he'll half-[censored] stupidly do something and *boom* opps, sorry, I didn't MEAN to do that.

He canceled his appointment with the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist). The men's group contact he had said it should be a male, his appt. was with a female, so he canceled her. I don't know if he's made another appt. As far as I know, no progress.

I had horrible parents, I've been on my own since I was a teen. I put myself through school, college, I have good, decent friends, people who love me. I haven't cheated on anyone. I look better than I have in years, damned good for a woman in her mid-40's... and I cant get a husband to love me. I feel horrible.

All I can tell is that he posted here a few times. We've agreed not to look at each others threads. I'm not willing to do any more at this time.

I've agreed to give him some TIME. He's pretty happy about that, because I TOLD him he'd be out on his ear if this happened again. So I feel pretty stupid that I didn't put him out. I sure don't feel like filling out questionnaires if he cant be bothered to show up for his men's meeting.

So, I'm giving him TIME to catch up, learn MB, get a CBT, join his men's group (for reals this time), and I'll pull myself together. I did let him take me to dinner last night.

Thank you for working with him.

Brenda, please go take the time to read his thread. This needs to be a joint effort. There is no reason you can't have a great marriage with your husband.

I don't even see his thread here.

Melody, have you read about S/A's? There may VERY WELL be a reason I cant have a great marriage with him. He could be too messed up. That is what is filling my head right now. I need you to understand where I'm coming from.

If I wanted SF, I had to initiate. He'd go along with it. For a guy WAY into porn, you'd think he'd have a more imaginative actual sex life, but after reading MANY sex addiction books I learned that this just wasn't so. I'd have to chase him down for SF and get little affection.

I asked him to take the lead. I was getting little Fulfillment from our SF. I could see him get all stifled and I'd ask him to relax, make it fun. Hell, I'd pack a picnic basket, blanket, suggest a drive to secluded woods, and he'd just sit there. I'd have to do it ALL. If I didn't jump him, it didn't happen. I felt unattractive and unwanted. I told him so. I've been as honest with him as I could be. I NEEDED him to WANT me. I have babydoll nighties, I have toys, lotions, whips, I bought him a wrestler mask and asked him to 'jump' me when I wasn't expecting it. He never did. I'm the most willing wifey here...

I've been doing the work in this relationship for too long.
I don't know IF he can do the work. I really don't. I'm starving for affection. I was probably sitting in the next room, lonely while he was yanking it. If he had offered SF I'd have jumped on it

So, NO - I don't KNOW that we can have a fantastic marriage.

Let me know when you are ready to start looking for solutions instead of excuses why you can't do what the rest of us have done. Many of us came from situations that were 10 times worse than yours.

Reading through your thread, I have to admit to being confused. You're both here now, you're both posting, so why not start the MB program today?

You have two plans of action that you can take.
1. Start MB and recover your marriage
2. Divorce him and move on

Waiting for him to take the lead is not a plan. It's limbo, which is cruel to your marriage, cruel to him, and cruel to yourself.

What do you want me to do?
Why am I the bad guy here?

Why cant you guys vet him out for a while and let me know if he's safe or not?

He's canceled his CBT.
He blew off his men's group.
These are not good signs.

I've always been available for him.

He broke a giant promise to me.

Start MB. Today.

I am not here to vet out your husband, whatever that means. We are here to help you both save your marriage and turn this around.

I know he broke a promise. And I also know you are punishing him for it instead of looking for solutions. Men's group and CBT won't save your marriage. MB can and will if you stop the blame game and get to work here.

Go over on the In Recovery forum and read the suggestions we gave him.

Go through your thread and make a list of every suggestion that has been made to you. Then, start working through every item on the list.


Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't think anybody's posting with the intent to identify "bad guys" and "good guys" in your marriage. Instead, everybody's presented a plan that can save your marriage. Do you want to save your marriage or not? If so, it's best to start acting like a team instead of trying to take sides and get people on your side.

I'm on the side of your marriage.

Brenda, your husband posted something that concerns me terribly and I would suggest you reconsider this path. It won't help your marriage and comes across like you are punishing him. And if you are punishing him, it needs to stop.

"Sex on the other hand will have to wait. She wants a 30 day moratorium, and I have agreed. I WILL survive 3 more weeks without a slip-up, and hopefully we can get our SF going after that."

What is the purpose of this? If a lack of SF is one of the contributors to the problem, I see this as harmful, not helpful. How does this help your marriage in any way?