One more thing, Richard.
Most women want a man/husband they respect.
I am such a woman.
If my husband behaved in ways I could not respect, my love bank for him would empty, and empty quickly.

Respect = high esteem = admiration = love bank open for business

Get the book.
Read it with a marker in hand to highlight what YOU need to remember and work on.
Leave the book open when you leave the room.

If a husband does what Pep is suggesting, if he daily puts in the work to be a changed man, if he uses the Marriage Builders tools and becomes an expert at meeting his wife's emotional needs and never engages in love busters, and always follows the Policy of Joint Agreement,

then Dr. Harley says your success at winning your wife back is practically guaranteed. Under such conditions, she almost certainly will fall in love with you.

Listen to the radio show; it will help.

<~~~ Do you know what this is? This represents your wife's emotional roller coaster after learning about infidelities, and all that other stuff you did.

So, as far as meeting her needs, you might feel like you are aiming at a moving target .... because in some ways, you are!

Which is why I suggested this ~~~>"Is there anything I can do for you today?".

Some days, her response might be "Just leave me the hell alone."
Stay out of her way. The is doing a loop and her head feels like it might explode.

Some days, her response might be "Clean out the garage."
Go do that.

Some days her response might be "I'm so sad I don't think I can breathe."
Slowly move towards her and ask if it is OK to give her a hug.

When you feel confused, remember, your wife is on a ride she did not want to take.

Pep,

Thank you taking the time to respond. I will not worry, only focus on blocking the bad behavior and making daily and lifelong positive change.

I will not display the "school child" attitude. I will continue to focus on me and my behavior changes.

I will start today asking my wife everyday, "Is there anything I can do for you today."

Thank you for the advice.

Did you call your Pastor?

No, I have not. I am contacting his email today to set up a time asap to meet about my spiritual issues.

Good. I'm hoping you can stay this focused for the long haul.

I am becoming more and more prepared with the website and the forum. I am mentally preparing myself for the hard days to come. I know they are out there.

Are you listening to the radio program?
Up towards the top of the forum, on the right hand side, there is a red box (a link) that says "Listen Now".
That's healthy habit for you to start.

Yes, someone else suggested the radio as well. I began listening to it today. Thanks.

So I have given a little time to start putting EPs in place for myself and my marriage/family. Things haven't felt better this last week. My wife and I are great with the boys, laughing, chatting, being great parents.

When the boys go to bed, I make sure to always ask how her day went. She has recently started a new job and I want to show support and affection by listening, asking questions about the new position. Our conversations are great each night. Last night we sat down to go over the monthly finances together.

I asked her to complete a emotional needs questionnaire and she did last week. We haven't discussed it yet, but I have noticed areas of her needs that I have done poorly in the past. She needs financial support, intimate conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, and family commitment. I am making an effort to be cognitive of her needs daily and how I can better meet those needs.

After we went over the finances together she told me that we would have to sit down and talk about what to do with the house. She asked me what my plans were and I identified that I would not like to sell the house and work on our marriage. She did not seemed pleased with my answer and asked if I had a plan B. I told her my focus is to better myself for me, for her, and for our family.

She said she could never forgive me for what I have done to her. I told her I understood that right now and I would hope in the future that my growth and progress to be a better man would gain back her trust, affection, and love for me. She told me she could have easily threw me out of the house the day she found my secret internet life. I told her I fully understood that and I am thankful she did not. I am trying to show my thanks and appreciation for her not throwing me out by my change in behavior.

Her talks early on where about divorce and now she is talking about trying to separate to see if she needs me in her life. I told her I did not want her to feel that she needs me in her life but that she would want me in her life because of the love and affection I have for her.

She ended the conversation by stating that "it sucks that the next woman in line is going to get a better version of me. And I had to learn all that by trashing her." I told her I wanted to be better for myself, her, and our boys.

I had trouble sleeping, my mind racing, I am trying not to worry, focus on having faith that my change is positive. It is difficult. She doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore, she has taken down her relationship status on social media now. Seeing these things on a daily basis hurts me. People tell me that is what she is trying to do...hurt me as much as I hurt her. I understand that and accept that as my life right now. But I continue to have faith that my positive change is for the good long term.

After our discussion last night, this morning while getting our boys ready for the day, things had changed again. We are laughing, talking about the boys, our plans for work today. I just texted her asking if she would like to on a walk with our boys and have a picnic today. She agreed, so I am looking forward to that this afternoon.

Again, I know her emotions are a roller coaster right now. I have the book SAA and I am reading it daily, really gets my mind focused on areas I need to improve as a husband and man. I would like to ask her to read it with me on a nightly basis but I am afraid it will only upset her more towards me. I guess I am trying to calm the waves and not rock the boat right now.

Though I know I must keep pressing forward in my daily life and efforts to better myself. I am coming up on 2 weeks of zero porn, internet activity at home. I have been consistent at going to bed when she goes to bed (not staying up late anymore). That has really helped out. I get up earlier, have more time to enjoy the mornings and not feel rushed. And I continue to ask what I can do to help her on a daily basis.

Will your BW come here?

Also, do you have an porn blocker on your computer?

I am sorry, I do not know what BW stands for.

I do not have a porn blocker, I do not bring my computer home from work anymore. I have looked into xxxchurch.com for their software.

BW=betrayed wife

Here Acronyms and Abbreviations

Thank you for your help. No, as of right now, my wife does not want to hear anything about marriagebuilders.

Did you ever have your first MB coaching appointment? If so, how did it go?

If your wife isn't interested in MB, then work the plan without talking about it. Betrayed spouses aren't much interested in words anyway; they are interested in actions, and that's what MB is all about.

Make sure you eliminate all your love busters.

Continue to meet your wife's emotional needs to the extent she will allow. Look good all the time, smell nice, complement her sincerely when you get the opportunity.

Ask her about her day and be affectionate in little ways, like opening the door for her, pulling out her chair, those little gentlemanly things. If she will allow you to hug her or kiss her, then do so without pushing it.

Make sure you are doing everything possible to show her that you are a better man than before and that if she stays with you, her future will be great.

I signed up for a MB coaching but discovered the price and could not afford it. I have bought the book and have been reading it. Along with everything on the website.

I work the plan everyday showing love and affection towards her, showing her I am a changed man. It is so hard not to huge her, kiss her, or tell her that I love her. I fear it would only upset her and cause a greater wedge between us.

I focus on meeting her needs everyday. I ask her once a day, "Is there anything I can do for you today?" She will bring something up and I will do it with 100% effort.

Like I stated, the days have been better. I cherish every moment with her like never before. I listen to her more intently, show support and intimate conversation over topics of her choice.

But every once and awhile she will bring up separation and it throws me off guard. It always seems I don't have anything to respond with. In my mind I refuse to think about separation at the moment.

I always wake up thinking about focusing on improving myself for that day and meeting her emotional needs. I know it will take time, I just hope she doesn't push me so far away I can't get back to her.

When I was on the roller coaster and my H was doing what you are now doing, being the best he could be to a wife who no longer believed it, he would respond with, "Honey, you have every right to leave me, but I hope you don't. We have a bright future together."

I would scoff at these words sometimes, but he said it with humility and conviction and every day I reconsidered it. Two years later, I truly did end up with a better man. It takes at least two years to regain lost trust.

Which book did you get? Fall in Love, Stay in Love? Did you also get Five Steps to Romantic Love? That's a very helpful workbook.

I did tell her "thank you" for not kicking me out of the house. She brought that up last night, saying, "I could have kicked you out of the house after I discovered your lies." I agreed with her.

I bought the "Surviving an Affair". Do you recommend something else. Right now she will not sit down and talk with me about the book or website. I understand why she doesn't want to and so I don't push it. I simply ask her if she would be interested and she says no and I stop there.