I used that exact line actually:

I would love it if we could go to the Y to workout together.

We came up with one day during the week and one day on the weekend.

Still haven't made it there yet...

How many hours of UA time did you spend together this week?
Are you scheduling 20 hours for next week?
Dr Harley recommends couples schedule the week on Sunday

So my husband and I have negotiated sex nights as T,TH and S. What should I do if he asks me for sex on a non-sex night??

Ask him if he has anything especially romantic in mind.

It would be best to stick to one thread so we can have more details about your situation to answer your questions. Adding some info to your signature would also be helpful.

For example, if your husband is currently involved in an affair, I would suggest not having sex with him at all. If he's sent a letter of no contact and is enforcing extraordinary precautions and you are monitoring them, then I would be posting over in Recovery or MB101, and you would want to read this article by Dr. Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

Markos - she and her betrayed husband are trying to recover from her adultery.

In that case, I would read that link I posted, and follow Dr. Harley's recommendations to the letter.

What a great reply!

We heard Dr. Harley say the other day on the radio that if a husband wanted MORE sex than the scheduled date nights allow, he needed to give her another 3 hour date first.

So, 3 nights of sex = 3 date nights first
4 nights of sex = 4 date nights first
5 nights of sex = 5 date nights first
etc

Brilliant!

FWIW, the Y where I work out has childcare from say 9AM until 7 or 8 PM most weekdays. Basically there are only a few hours each day when there is no child care.

Weekends follow a similar pattern. Check the kiddos in and then work out. Make sure you get them before the childcare closes.

Programs for all ages, including early teens on the weekends.

Sooo.. could no date = no SF?

I think that's what Dr. Harley would say.

Is the corollary also true. If date nights are not leading to SF, then to avoid resentment, can the rejected spouse withhold the date night to avoid the resentment of another sexless date?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? But seriously, fc, is the SF scheduled during your UA time and following an event/date?

Can you give more info?

If we get too hypothetical this probably needs its own thread.

That would depend a lot on the specific circumstances. I've heard Dr. Harley suggest that some men take sex OFF THE TABLE for a month and date their wife like this, and see if her sexual desire comes back after a month. And if there's a sexual aversion, they would definitely need to look at working through Dr. Harley's sexual aversion exercises.

It would probably be best for a man to exhaust all avenues of help before trying an approach like this. His wife is probably more likely to respond to being pursued and won, than anything else, and that includes those dates. Yet he should still be radically honest (not brutally honest) about his emotional needs: "I can't be happy going through life without sex."

If a man is dealing with sexless marriage, the article I posted above, plus this one, are probably his best bets:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit3.html

fc, I see you haven't been back yet but I just wanted to suggest a book that I have recently read called "The Sexually Confident Wife". I had heard Dr. Harley refer to it on his radio show and picked it up because SF is difficult for me. This book helped to some extent. I at least don't dismiss SF right away anymore

There are a myriad of reasons for lack of desire. Some within our control and some that are not. The author, Shannon Ethridge, helps with the ones that we can control.

~RQ

Well one month later and nothing has changed. We still have sex T, Th, S and I still resent being told when I have to do it.

We manage 12 to 13 hours of UA time a week, however, we rarely meet all 4 EN during our dates. IC is proving difficult. Topics occasionally turn to hopes and dreams but mostly it's about the kids, who broke what or work.

It's hard to find activities that support IC and affection. RC we agree on but does not lend itself to either IC or A. We always have some sort of SF on the designated days.

I need help with how to fulfill all 4 ENs during UA time. Any ideas?

Have you seen this?
Conversation is Boring

Have you thought about topics before the date to discuss?

To me it sounds like the crux of your problem (for both of you) is the lack of enjoyable conversation. If you guys can get the conversation going well, and are getting the right amount of it, the rest is probably going to follow. You will fall in love with your husband and (if my wife's experience is any guide) your enthusiasm about his emotional needs will change greatly.

Look at those four friends and four enemies of good conversation. Which friends are missing? Which enemies are present?

I would suggest the two of you need to develop interest in more topics of conversation. Find some interesting things to talk about besides hopes and dreams and the kids. A couple of years ago Prisca and I LOVED talking about the royal wedding in Britain. We were fascinated by the news.

Do the two of you talk during the day at all? If so, what about?