I'm new to this forum. If this question has been posted a million times before, by all means please go ahead and point me to past threads that can help me...

My wife and I have been separated for a year and a half. She left due to an affair, which has been on again off again over the time we've been apart. I made a lot of mistakes during that time: for five months I tried to compete with the OM and meet her needs, but did not impose tough love principles; then when it was obvious she was still cheating on me (though she had said she wasn't) I cut off all contact and subsequently had a relationship with someone else (which I now realize was wrong and totally regret); then I smartened up and tried to work on things with her after her affair fell apart; we were doing that for several months and seeing a counselor, till she said it wasn't working and wanted a divorce; I imposed no contact again; in the meantime she went back to the OM for a short time, got scared of losing me when it was clear I would never talk with her again, broke it off with the OM and came back to me.

This time I've been smarter and more strict: we have a 4 month contract including zero contact with the OM outside of strictly business work related contact (which I've strictly made her enforce), weekly relationship coaching sessions, weekly dating and conversations, and time together with our kids (we have two girls). I had thought things were going better - she has, to my best knowledge, been faithful to the no contact rule and the feelings for the OM are waning; we've made a lot of progress in learning to identify our triggers and avoid some of our bigger love busters; I've done a lot of work to try to meet her emotional needs, and to ask for mine in a caring way, many of which she has been meeting. However, she's had huge trouble reconnecting physically and sexually with me. I keep asking for more movement on this front and we've tried but she says it feels fake and that she is not feeling the emotional spark. We have a great friendship, but she just doesn't feel attracted to me. I've said I'm okay with this taking time, but it is a strain for both of us because I feel unappreciated and she feels guilty. She is also feeling like I am making this "working on things" into a project and that it all feels unnatural and fake. This past week she has been feeling sad and disconnected and said she's frustrated because she doesn't feel we can have a normal conversation about things that she is feeling and that I don't "get" her feelings. I've been trying to be more in touch with her feelings but every time I try there seems to be something else I'm not doing right and that the feelings are just not there for her.

Then, two days ago she had a session with her counselor and came to me afterward, saying it's not working and that she feels it's time to end it and go ahead with a divorce. I was hurt and said I was disappointed but if that's what she wanted, I wouldn't stop her. She said she was set on this. However, we still have a month left in our contract, and on reflection, I'm now thinking I should not let this go so easily. Many people in my life are saying I need to just let go, we've been at this for a year and a half and I need to recognize when it's time to quit. Including her counselor and our relationship coach. That I deserve someone who will love me fully and she is not in that place. Having read a lot of the advice on marriage builders, I don't agree with this advice, and am disappointed they are not being more firm with her. I think the affair fog may still be playing a role in her judgment - it has only been four months since her last relationship contact with the OM and she still sees him everyday at work. So naturally I can see how this may be skewing her feelings about me. I also see how even though I'm trying hard to meet her needs, and she recognizes this, there are probably love busters I'm still unintentionally sending, like trying to convince her to keep working on things, trying to convince her not to follow her feelings, etc. Me always being "right" was an issue in the past so I can see how I may still be doing this now and am willing to continue to change, however, she does not communicate her needs well, is still very distant in many ways, and feels this whole process feels fake and unnatural and wants things to be easy and spontaneous and they're not right now and that is disappointing to her. I think she's feeling exhausted from all the work we've been doing lately and giving up just seems so much easier to her by comparison.

I don't know what to do. My first inclination was to accept the divorce and move on, but now I'm wondering if there's anything I can still do. I can hold her to the contract, and she will likely accept that if I express respectfully that I'd like to give it the full time we'd agreed on giving it. I can ask for a deeper conversation about why she wants to call it off now, and try harder to meet the needs she is expressing and to avoid whatever love busters I'm sending. But I don't want to be a doormat, and I'm not sure at what point I need to accept the divorce and let her make her own mistakes, even if I disagree. Any help would be much appreciated!

Welcome to MB.

If she sees him daily at work then her affair is very active. She needs to have NC for life with him. She will need to quit her job.

Who have you exposed to?

Is your OW married? Who is she?

As a side note, we were given Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love you Want by our marriage coach, but are not following it strictly in our sessions. I've been using it a lot, her much more reluctantly.

I stopped right here because I knew you were dead in the water when I read this. There is no hope as long as she has ANY contact with the OM. This is like the alcoholic who changes the name of his booze to "business drinks" and pretends to get sober. That is all that has happened here. You and your wife are pretending like the affair is now a business relationship.

You should just get divorced if she won't end ALL contact because this is hopeless. I don't have to read the rest of the post to be able to tell you that. Sorry.

I know she needs no contact, but I have tried to do this in stages. I've made it clear that if we reconcile, she will have to quit her job, but have not insisted on this during this phase of "discernment" where we are trying to decide about recommitting. I know there is a view on MB that nothing can proceed until she quits her job, so part of my question is whether I'm fighting a hopeless battle and should just accept the divorce and impose no contact with her until she comes to her senses? At this point, I have little leverage since it's her who is asking for a divorce, not me.

I have really struggled with exposure. I have told our minister, numerous mutual friends, and my family. I have not told our kids (8 and 10), her mom, or people at her work. Every single person in my life has warned me away from doing this. I know you will say I need to do this, and am willing to listen, but I feel I have lost credibility by a) waiting so long - most people have said say why bother, the affair is over (even though I agree the contact is still having an effect), and I will just look like a bitter jilted ex, and b) I had an extramarital relationship too, so I have lost credibility here, although I have no issue admitting that openly. Open to advice.

For context, I also have been recovering from a pornography addiction and depression. I fully own up to my faults in the marriage. She did not speak up, but I was not always wonderful to live with and I knew the porn hurt her feelings and did not seek help till December. I now go to SAA and am four months clean. Also something I have no issue sharing publicly.

Finally, the OW is 100% out of the picture. Former co-worker who lives in another city now. Ended last June and I have not spoken to her since one time in September last year. It was not a revenge affair, but after feeling so hurt and dumped, it felt so good to be wanted by someone. I know know it was a colossal mistake and have also made this clear numerous times to my wife. She feels she can't criticize me given what she has done, but I know she is still very hurt and does not want to discuss it at all, even though she reluctantly will answer my questions about her affair.

Dr Harley addressed this book in one of his newsletters:

The founder is divorced from his first wife, and said during a speech that his current marriage was not helped by IMAGO which was very disappointing to him. He still supports the program but is just not a part of it anymore.

For clarification: there is no personal conversation allowed with the OM, and she has to my knowledge been true to that (and given me access to her blackberry, etc to check up if I want). I have been getting help from other sites like Beyond Affairs which say there are circumstances where work related contact can be permissible if boundaries are strictly enforced. But I know that for the MB approach, even the professional contact is a problem. Is this generally seen here as a game-ending issue then? I know I have no hope of getting her to change jobs now, so if that's the case, I guess I'll just have to accept the divorce.

She will not WANT to commit until she ends all contact with him.


And we can all see the result, sadly.


You have made so many strategic mistakes for such a long time that I give this little hope. Not even exposure can help you now, IMO. I agree you have lost credibility. When an affair is enabled for this length of time, I would consider it gone.

I would tell your kids what happened, though. You will have to explain your own affair. I would let them know the reason your marriage broke up. They have a right to know the truth. I am not going to spend time trying to talk you into anything though. You came here too late.

The Hendrix approach has also made her frustrated, we do the Imago dialogues but she feels like I am being a "mediator" to her when all she wants is a normal conversation.

Thank you for your honesty.

That is a ridiculous assertion that you can't possibly hope to prove.


Yes, and you have a destroyed marriage to prove it. It is silly to suggest that affairees have "boundaries" at work. That is like the alcoholic claiming to have "boundaries" when he goes drunk driving.


It is not a "Marriage Builders approach" but a matter of REALITY. Recovery is impossible unless all contact ends.

Changing the name of the affair to "professional contact" is cute but does not resolve the problem. Just as an alcoholic cannot sober up by changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks," neither can an adulterer withdraw from an affair while still in contact.


I agree. You are done.

IMAGO infuriates me. It is a HUGE lovebuster to most people. But IMAGO is about communication and conflict. None of which can save a marriage. Even the best communicators and conflict resolvers end up divorced if they are not in love.

No Contact is the FIRST step in marital recovery.
If she is unwilling to change jobs then she really doesn't want to end the affair

I am so sorry, I really wish I could give you hope.

So is it worth expressing to her why I accept the divorce and that I would consider reconciliation if she were to realize she made a mistake, changed jobs, and decided to recommit? Or should I just go ahead and implement no contact with her and move on with my life?

You still have a chance if you Plan A.
But you need to expose this affair to your kids and everyone else, including OM family and friends.
You should also expose it to the employer.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Please read this particular post.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

It, in an outline will tell you what you are dealing with and how it has to go down for you to have a chance for a recovered marriage.

You might not recover it but it is the most logical chance you have.

Exposure IS crucial.

It IS difficult to get the guts to do.

Others, who are not in your marriage and who give you input will tell you its a bad idea. Those people are wrong. Exposure must be done and done properly as mentioned in the linked post above.

It IS a scary thing to see the vile, evil response to it from your beloved.

But........without it..........your marriage will remain crippled into the future.

The OM is going through his own divorce right now.

How do you know?
Have you spoken to his wife?
If not do so ASAP