Your IT dept can issue you a new email address.

I think the email was an unintended favor to you. Here's why.

He was sneaking up to get close to you, with his "I'm ready to meet your conditions" disguise. But he forgot to change his dirty old "I think you're unstable" shoes. The disguise wasn't very convincing, but just good enough to make you hesitate to slam the door.

Then you got a look at those nasty old shoes. Bam! Illusion gone! You would know those shoes anywhere after all the times he's kicked you with them.

I was scared for you when it sounded like he might be able to get a toe in the door. I'm glad he showed his @@@, even though it isn't pretty. It's tattooed with his true colors.

FILE, FILE FILE!

I know what he is saying about the instability.

Basically after I found out about the affair, the lies, the baby.. and these huge discoveries were dragged out for a couple of years... to me they were extremely traumatic. So what I would do is try to firmly make clear to him "ok, you screwed up. BAD".
Then I would insist that he install boundries. One of the primary ones was he was to back off from this co worker. He refused. He was more concerned about how I was making him look, than he was about how he looked to ME.

So I became really hurt and frustrated. He pass the blame to me for why he had the affair. In reality I know it's on him.

At the point of trying to get him to stop blaming me and to sto trying to force me to make it up to HIM, I began to become so hurt and enraged that I began to lose control of myself. which let to AO and extremely unkind words from me.

So then he was totally unwilling to address affair related things because I was so upset and "attacking" him. He said this really scared him. The AO and attacking.

So then it became all about my AO. So even if I said, ok husband, I totally take on that we can't have a productive discussion if I am raging... so I stopped. However he continued to make me to blame for everything and flat out flaunted that he was going to continue his friendship with his co-worker.

It simply has become this endless cycle of I am to blame, I am dangerous, he is scare of me, and I am the one who HAS to make it all up to him before he will feel like he is safe enough to truely reconcile with me.

From one angle I "get" it. But really I also feel that he is the main offender here and how LONG do I have to prove I am SAFE while he continues the hurtful and provocative behavior with his co worker?

Maybe my head and heart are build wrong. From my view, ok, I stop the outbursts and make it safe to talk. BUT, while I am doing that why should he be still hurting me, essentially placing his feelings for HER over ME?

He insists their friendship was NEVER romantic. I have a hard time believing that is he is beating up another man over her.

He always just insists he doesn't have those feelings for her. And he says if I want him to focus on me rather than her, then I need to be "calm and strong".

So basically I am so "unstable" from what he is done because he looks like he is doing more of it. And now he tells me that no matter what has happened to me or what he has done, I am WRONG to act and speak so vilely and he basically is so terrified of my rages that he gives up and doesn't want to deal with me.

I am not sure what the guy actually wants except to FORCE me to accept responsibility for what he did and to break me down completely by making me agree that I messed it up and I need to earn HIM back.

Well I don't mind not AO and I can speak respectfully. But I need a partner who isn't undermining me and refusing to make effort when I am clearly stepping up.

I feel sick from this. and I want to have an AO and kick his behind. Literally.

I am still silent. I don't know what to do with the anger and pain I feel. Yesterday I sat and held my own self. Inside my chest I felt this awful pain. It was so intense it was physical. I went about my day as I could and it literally felt like I had an open wound that was hurting so much.

Today is better.

Were you able to talk to an attorney?

He's gaslighting you.

And you are not unstable. You are feeling all the hurt again because one lousy subject line got through. Have you fixed your email breach?

Do I misunderstand that you are in Plan B?

And if he was truly terrified of your rages, he wouldn't be trying to goad you into a new one by breaking your Plan B with such a blatant disrespectful judgement. Does not compute.

I am in plan B.

I made an appointment for later this week. Thursday.
Feel blah and not interested in much atm.

Talked to IT guy, set up new email account for the company and a gmail account for people I typically am in contact there.

I always wonder why he keeps coming back around when I am so terrible. I have heard judgements like this a over and over. I feel helpless against them. Then I really do get upset and make them come true. Then he says, there you are proving me right! Then he says he is giving up hope on me, he doesn't want to deal with someone like me and we are done.

Well I figured out the best way to avoid this verification is to leave. I am slow to learn, I guess, because often I haven't stepped away before I get upset. I have learned a lot about boundries in the past few months.

I think the holes are plugged. I haven't heard anything since the last mail got through. No one has said a word to me about what he is up to.

This is great. You are doing great.

He has agreed to things. I don't feel I love him anymore. I feel obligated, but I keep thinking about how he treated me and I don't think I can forgive him.

Not sure if this is a temporary feeling, or if since I have had some calm my feelings are processing. Basically I just want to tell him he sucks and to leave and never come back. At the same time I feel ... obligation.

I keep feeling that even if he never hurts me again, how can I get over what he has already done? Is this resentment?

Ideas, anyone?

Atlanta, what is the current situation? You can recover if he makes a RADICAL change in his approach to being a husband. VERSUS a check the box exercise to get back in the door. I would never want to be married to a man like your husband. But people can change.

What has he changed?

You are not obligated to be abused by anyone.

He accepted a job in a different company, he got a therapist. He has asked me what else I would like him to be doing other than what I already asked.

He has had this weird thing with social sites where ( in the past) he refused to add me because his ex wife would throw some massive tantrum. He added me and has refused to acknowledge her complaints. He has enforced visitation by taking his children on his custody time to a neutral place, his mother's, instead of caving and going to visit them at his ex's. He has apologized for his attitude, his actions, the hurt he caused. He claims no contact with the office co-worker.

That is in addition to the requests made prior to this.

He asked me what else he can do, but I am realizing how I don't ask anything because before this, he made me feel so worthless and it was clear to me that he would fight to the end of everything if I said I wanted something.

With that woman gone, suddenly he is back to acting like who he was when I met him.

It confuses me and I keep thinking why did he have to wait until everything good was rubbed out before he decided to change things.

Also I told him that I am not willing to accept poor treatment anymore. He can do as he likes, but if he makes damaging choices, I cannot be in a marriage with him anymore. And I feel absolutely able to enforce this boundry. He knows I mean it. I will leave and divorce.

No one would fault you if you decided to leave this marriage. Personally, I would end the marriage because there is not much to save in a marriage with so many affairs in such a short period of time. Its not like he has ever made you happy.

But if he does change and you follow this program, there is hope.


I would make it a condition that he NEVER EVER have contact with his XW and DELETE all social sites. He can get an intermediary to facilitate any essential communication.

Will he agree to NEVER be in contact with her again? It doesn't sound like it if he has her friended on social sites. A serial cheater has no business on any social networking site.

He has her on one social site.

Everyone else on his page are male friends, me, male co-workers, and family members. He had that woman co-worker, but she is gone now.

Atlanta, I would make it a condition that he NEVER speak to or see her again. PERIOD. He has already had one affair with that hoe. You will never be safe until that happens.

He just needs to delete all social networking sites. A serial cheater has no business whatsoever on one.

Ending contact with all former lovers is a basic extraordinary precaution that is not even negotiable. He has already proven how dangerous this is.


Raise the bar, Atlanta. Don't settle for half measures. Do what it takes to make you safe or get out.

sending you hugs. please know it is not u...it is him. he sounds a lot like my H. i know the trauma you are experiencing.

As I understand this was the list of conditions you gave him and you said he agreed - so why would he still have contact with his XW/OW?

Atlanta, with a WS, you MUST say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't back down from the conditions that you gave him.

What about the poly? This will be important since he is such a gaslighter and since he has had a SSL for your entire marriage. If he is still hiding things, he will remain wayward.