|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
She has said she invited me out because she didn't she would have been punished for that. She said she would have been viewed as "the bad guy". I told her I never wanted her to feel that way. I want to work on the marriage and the problem. She wants separation. A better response: "thanks for inviting me. I would love to go." Take any opportunity you can to be with her and make love bank deposits
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
We both agreed last night that we didn't do everything we could to save the marriage. But she still wasn't wanting to do anything about it. I explained I would hate to separate if we both knew in our hearts there was more for us to do for our marriage and we didn't do anything about it. Our pastor gave us the number to the church's family and marriage counselor. I have called to get some info. My wife and I talked more about it and she finished with, "well I'm not going to give you an answer now". She said this after I went into great detail about all my lies. What I did, how I did it, and what was said. It hurt her to hear this but I wanted it all on the table. Then I asked her to go visit the church counselor just to see if there is a chance for us to save our marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
My wife is now trying to give me an ultimatum. Except her parenting plan, she gets the boys Monday thru Thursday and I get the boys for the weekends or we go to court. I can see through this. Seems like she wants her weekends open to party and meet guys. I don't plan on taking her offer but taking about other solutions.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
My wife is now trying to give me an ultimatum. Except her parenting plan, she gets the boys Monday thru Thursday and I get the boys for the weekends or we go to court. I can see through this. Seems like she wants her weekends open to party and meet guys. I don't plan on taking her offer but taking about other solutions. Ask Dr Harley about this on Wednesday
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
My wife is now trying to give me an ultimatum. Except her parenting plan, she gets the boys Monday thru Thursday and I get the boys for the weekends or we go to court. I can see through this. Seems like she wants her weekends open to party and meet guys. I don't plan on taking her offer but taking about other solutions. Ask Dr Harley about this on Wednesday I just hope it can last till then. It feels like my marriage is hanging by a thread.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
I think you should accept the custody offer.
It would allow you to have Quality (all weekend) time with your kids and be a good father. If she is divorced then who cares what she does on the weekend?
You can continue plan A and invite her to go to the zoo etc with you and the kids!
I think you should take it. I don't think you should fight divorce if she demands it.
If you go through attorneys you will end up broke and possibly have lESS parenting time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
I think you should accept the custody offer.
It would allow you to have Quality (all weekend) time with your kids and be a good father. If she is divorced then who cares what she does on the weekend?
You can continue plan A and invite her to go to the zoo etc with you and the kids!
I think you should take it. I don't think you should fight divorce if she demands it.
If you go through attorneys you will end up broke and possibly have lESS parenting time. But we aren't divorced. She hasn't filled papers and she has not mentioned a legal separation anymore. I am the WH, if I accept this offer am I handing over everything and not fighting for my marriage. I just which she could see that we did nothing to fix the problem the first two times. She even mentioned to me that she felt it was going to happen again, she was just waiting for it. How can she say she did everything to support me and my problem when she was thinking that? The marriage never stood a real chance if that was the case. Now I want it to stand a chance. I am doing things I have never done before to finally fix the problem. I just wish she could see this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
Is it worth to sit my wife down and say we really never worked on our marriage problems. And that we should stop with our emotions right now and think what is best for the kids? She said she knew it was going to happen again, she was just waiting for it. That doesn't sound she was helping her husband with the problem. Just sitting back and waiting for the problem to arise again.
All she tells me is, " she wasn't unfaithful". Yes, she is correct but she never did anything to help me. I just want to really work on this with full hearts and if we get to the end and we have exhausted all options, then we can move on. I just want to try with all efforts for us and our boys.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Richard, your wife is not obligated to keep taking you back in the assumption that this time you actually mean it. Watch out for the entitlement. She has no real reason to believe you aside from your word which has been shown time and time again to be worthless.
Are you still in Plan A?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Is it worth to sit my wife down and say we really never worked on our marriage problems. And that we should stop with our emotions right now and think what is best for the kids? She said she knew it was going to happen again, she was just waiting for it. That doesn't sound she was helping her husband with the problem. Just sitting back and waiting for the problem to arise again.
All she tells me is, " she wasn't unfaithful". Yes, she is correct but she never did anything to help me. I just want to really work on this with full hearts and if we get to the end and we have exhausted all options, then we can move on. I just want to try with all efforts for us and our boys. I'll be honest with you - I absolutely agree with her. I don't believe you either. I don't believe you are a 'recovered wayward' because you are exhibiting an amazing sense of entitlement, that you are ENTITLED to marital recovery and that she is OBLIGATED as your wife to keep your marriage intact for your children and leave her "emotions" out of it. In other words, you're shifting the blame onto her. Do you realize that you are doing so? That you are blaming her for not believing the words of someone who has hurt her so many times?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Is it worth to sit my wife down and say we really never worked on our marriage problems. And that we should stop with our emotions right now and think what is best for the kids? She said she knew it was going to happen again, she was just waiting for it. That doesn't sound she was helping her husband with the problem. Just sitting back and waiting for the problem to arise again.
All she tells me is, " she wasn't unfaithful". Yes, she is correct but she never did anything to help me. I just want to really work on this with full hearts and if we get to the end and we have exhausted all options, then we can move on. I just want to try with all efforts for us and our boys. In al fairness, she isnt responsible for your actions. You are re.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
I am not shifting blame, I only want her to recognize that neither of us did anything to fix the problem. I think that is only fair. Don't we owe it to children to really try? Because they are the ones we will hurt the most because of my mistakes and the choices we are about to make. Please continue to respond. It helps me to see other view points.
I am sticking with plan A. Doing everything I can to show trust, love, and care for her and our marriage.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
Is it worth to sit my wife down and say we really never worked on our marriage problems. And that we should stop with our emotions right now and think what is best for the kids? She said she knew it was going to happen again, she was just waiting for it. That doesn't sound she was helping her husband with the problem. Just sitting back and waiting for the problem to arise again.
All she tells me is, " she wasn't unfaithful". Yes, she is correct but she never did anything to help me. I just want to really work on this with full hearts and if we get to the end and we have exhausted all options, then we can move on. I just want to try with all efforts for us and our boys. I'll be honest with you - I absolutely agree with her. I don't believe you either. I don't believe you are a 'recovered wayward' because you are exhibiting an amazing sense of entitlement, that you are ENTITLED to marital recovery and that she is OBLIGATED as your wife to keep your marriage intact for your children and leave her "emotions" out of it. In other words, you're shifting the blame onto her. Do you realize that you are doing so? That you are blaming her for not believing the words of someone who has hurt her so many times? You are right. I'm done with thinking . I'm just afraid she will push the ultimatum on me. I'm not ready to decide. I just need time. But this sounds like a selfish demand now. What do I do people? I'm so lost. Can Plan A work for the WH?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650 |
Um no sir you are shifting blame. Ultimately when you where wayward you didn't take your children in account so why should she? Like you said its your mistake and if your wife chooses to walk away it is her choice. I agree you should at least try for your kids sake but you are trying to control the situation which is very disrespectful from her point of view. As a man we like to fix things and control things aka plan. But in this situation you need to understand you can only control you and you failed. So stop pressuring your wife and using the kids as a weapon. Plan A with no expectations and control yourself. You will become a better person for it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
Um no sir you are shifting blame. Ultimately when you where wayward you didn't take your children in account so why should she? Like you said its your mistake and if your wife chooses to walk away it is her choice. I agree you should at least try for your kids sake but you are trying to control the situation which is very disrespectful from her point of view. As a man we like to fix things and control things aka plan. But in this situation you need to understand you can only control you and you failed. So stop pressuring your wife and using the kids as a weapon. Plan A with no expectations and control yourself. You will become a better person for it. Thank for the slap in the face. I needed that. I don't want to use the kids and I won't. I just need to keep praying to God for strength and guidance. I keep performing plan A but do I keep bringing up to her that I want to work on the marriage when she talks about separation?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
I am still confused...I read over the Plan A action but it still seems like a plan for the BS, not the WH. I think she feels my actions are fake. I am 23 days free of porn and sex chat rooms. No accomplishment but I feel good as a person. I know I have crushed all trust with my wife. What are things I can do to display trust?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650 |
Radical honesty. When she talks separation tell her your sorry for your actions and express a desire to make a marriage where both of your needs are met.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
I am still confused...I read over the Plan A action but it still seems like a plan for the BS, not the WH. I think she feels my actions are fake. I am 23 days free of porn and sex chat rooms. No accomplishment but I feel good as a person. I know I have crushed all trust with my wife. What are things I can do to display trust? Your behavior can possibly lead to restoring trust. At this point I think your best hope is to stay off the porn and sex rooms, work on self inprovement and agree to having the kids on the weekend. Your best hope for reconciliation may be after divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Agree. I suspect your wife is watching your actions. Ask yourself: What is she seeing?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 107 |
I am still confused...I read over the Plan A action but it still seems like a plan for the BS, not the WH. I think she feels my actions are fake. I am 23 days free of porn and sex chat rooms. No accomplishment but I feel good as a person. I know I have crushed all trust with my wife. What are things I can do to display trust? Your behavior can possibly lead to restoring trust. At this point I think your best hope is to stay off the porn and sex rooms, work on self inprovement and agree to having the kids on the weekend. Your best hope for reconciliation may be after divorce. I am staying clear away from porn and sex chat rooms. No more computer at home, I've asked my wife to set a password on my phone for restrictions, and I no longer know the login password to our home computer. I feel I have shut down any access to the problem. Is there anything else you would recommend?
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
471
guests, and
67
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
