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Joined: May 2013
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OP
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Joined: May 2013
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We are having a disagreement concerning EPs. My wife does not want me to collect the mail (27 steps from our front porch), take a one or three mile walk as I used to, go to the fitness center alone, play tennis with a group of neighbors, or play golf with a group of senior men. At this point she has my phone and computer so I can monitor my e-mail and conversations.
A big part of my hang-up. With this arrangement is that I took a polygraph test that showed that I have not had any physical contact with any woman other than my wife since we were married 24 years ago. That includes sex, holding hands, hugs, and a couple other things I do not recall. I have never lived closer than 800 miles from my former spouse.
So, my question is "am I being unreasonable in thinking that the EPs imposed are a bit harsh. For instance, I am not permitted to get the mail, but can get the morning paper which is often near the mail box.
See TheSewer for a different view of this issue.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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We are having a disagreement concerning EPs. My wife does not want me to collect the mail (27 steps from our front porch), take a one or three mile walk as I used to, go to the fitness center alone, play tennis with a group of neighbors, or play golf with a group of senior men. At this point she has my phone and computer so I can monitor my e-mail and conversations. Hi jlkb, welcome to Marriage Builders. If you are in America, she does not have the power to prevent you from doing any of those things. She is not your mama or your employer. You don't need her permission to do anything. But didn't you leave out the part where your wife has serious issues with your relationships with other women? For example, your relationship with your ex-wife and some other woman recently? She has not felt loved or protected for most of your marriage. Don't you want to resolve this? So the real question is: do you want your wife to be in love with you? If you do want her to be in love with you and be happy, you won't do anything that will make her unhappy. Do you want her to trust you? If you want her to trust you, you won't do things that cause her to distrust you. Here is what your wife told us about your performance as husband: Anyway, I have not felt safe nor loved for most of our married life. I understand, now, that it is partly due to the idea that I should just "get over it". Also, no EPs in place. And, there are a lot of triggers---most of them related to his dishonesty. Do you think you have done a good job of being a husband to her if she feels this way? I know if my husband told he felt this way, I would move heaven and earth to improve my performance as a wife. Your wife is trying to tell you what you need to do to make her happy and maintain the love in your marriage. This is the roadmap to a happy marriage. Do you want to have a happy marriage or not?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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My wife does not want me to collect the mail Your wife is not enthusiastic. Do not check the mail. Negotiate an alternative. take a one or three mile walk as I used to Your wife is not enthusiastic. Do not take a walk. Negotiate an alternative. go to the fitness center alone Your wife is not enthusiastic. Do not go to the fitness center. Negotiate an alternative. play tennis with a group of neighbors Your wife is not enthusiastic. Do not play tennis with the neighbors. Negotiate an alternative. play golf with a group of senior men. Your wife is not enthusiastic. Do not play golf with a group of senior men. Negotiate an alternative. At this point she has my phone and computer so I can monitor my e-mail and conversations. Good  My husband also has access to my phone and computer. Isn't it great to be open with your spouse? A big part of my hang-up. With this arrangement is that I took a polygraph test that showed that I have not had any physical contact with any woman other than my wife since we were married 24 years ago. That includes sex, holding hands, hugs, and a couple other things I do not recall. I have never lived closer than 800 miles from my former spouse. I do not see how this is relevant. So, my question is "am I being unreasonable in thinking that the EPs imposed are a bit harsh. For instance, I am not permitted to get the mail, but can get the morning paper which is often near the mail box. Your wife is not enthusiastic about you checking the mail, though. This is not harsh. It would be harsh for you to check it when she is not enthusiastic, though.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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So, my question is "am I being unreasonable in thinking that the EPs imposed are a bit harsh. For instance, I am not permitted to get the mail, but can get the morning paper which is often near the mail box. I think it is very telling that you place something so insignificant as getting the mail as more important than her feelings. That is quite shocking actually. If my husband told me he felt uncomfortable with me getting the mail, I would stop getting the mail. Big deal. Is getting the mail more important than your wife's feelings? Why in the world would you place something so silly above your own wife? It is this kind of behavior that has led to your wife feeling like you don't care. What Dr Harley would say to this is that you don't care about your wife, Sir. You know doing all these things makes her suffer and you won't stop it. "Isn't it interesting how someone can miss the point that mutual care in marriage is the only kind of care that makes sense? When your husband tells you that he wants you to care for him by suffering so he can have what he wants, he doesn't understand that this expectation means that he doesn't care about you. And that's the point."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Anyway, I have not felt safe nor loved for most of our married life. This is your report card as a husband. If we were handing out grades I would give you a D-. That is pretty pathetic. Do you want to improve your grade or do you want to continue to make your wife miserable?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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We are having a disagreement concerning EPs. My wife does not want me to collect the mail (27 steps from our front porch), In an amazing coincidence, we had a wife and husband on this board last year who were having the exact same disagreement. Dr. Harley personally answered their question about it on his free radio show, and you can listen to the recording here; http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04045http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04046http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04047http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04048http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04049
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Incorrect. No relationship with another woman recently. Had an inappropriate relationship friendship (talked about our relationship) that ended 10 years ago with a co-worker. Nothing since then. No emotional relationship then, but should not have discussed our marital issues.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Incorrect. No relationship with another woman recently. Had an inappropriate relationship friendship (talked about our relationship) that ended 10 years ago with a co-worker. Nothing since then. No emotional relationship then, but should not have discussed our marital issues. Here is what I based my comment on: I should mention, also, that H had an EA with ANOTHER woman, too, during this time, discussing intimate details of our M with her as well as his ex. A couple of years ago, H told me about yet another woman who he thinks is WONDERFUL in many ways---all my weaknesses. At that time, I was not meeting his need for SF. But, that's not what he said was wonderful about her. Even so, it doesn't matter if it was 10 years or 2 years, she doesn't trust you because of your history.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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So, my question is "am I being unreasonable in thinking that the EPs imposed are a bit harsh. I would agree with you. These things do seem "a bit" harsh. I guess it's all how you look at it though. "Perspective" is everything in a marriage. Do "you" have the right perspective? When a marriage is going well, one where care and protection are respected, one where boundaries are also respected..... ordinary precautions are a natural part of that marriage. When a marriage is struggling, boundaries are complacent and care has been lost..... "Extra" ordinary precautions must be implemented to insure a level of protection that has been non-existent for far too long. You've had "a very little bit" of precaution for far too long...... "extra" is what's needed if you want an "extraordinary marriage"...... Hence, "Extraordinary Precautions"...... If you look at this with the right perspective, the only thing that's been "harsh", is how you've neglected your bride. Think about it, OK!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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We are having a disagreement concerning EPs. I'm not sure why you're having this disagreement. This is all pretty easy stuff, jlkb. I'm not sure why you're balking at this. So, don't get the mail. Let her get it. Talk to her about walking WITH you (great UA time!) Playing tennis and golf without your wife are recreational activities that don't include her. Can you talk with her about finding some recreational activities the two of you enjoy? My question to you is: how much UA time do the two of you spend together each week?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Did you ever bother to listen to this radio show? I notice that you are still complaining about the same kind of thing, nearly three months later.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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