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By the sounds of things, you are really doing your best. Good for you. As you know you can only control yourself, not her.
Your best bet is to try to get her to agree to a program to restore the love between you and stop hurting each other.
Dr Harley's program works.
Ask her everyday if there is anything you can do for her. Ask her what specific things make her feel safe. What can you do to help her feel secure.
Have you read LB's yet? HNHN's? These are great books to read together taking turns reading chapters outlound then discussing your perspectives.
Are you committing any LB's at all? If so, stop today.
What are her top EN's now? Make as many LB deposits as humanly possible.
If she is still in withdraw, it will be difficult for her to allow you to meet her needs right now.
Best thing you can do is be consistant every single day with your actions. If you can keep the family together right now, over time you can prove this to her.
Only time and experiences with her will prove if your changes are real and lasting.
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By the sounds of things, you are really doing your best. Good for you. As you know you can only control yourself, not her.
Your best bet is to try to get her to agree to a program to restore the love between you and stop hurting each other.
Dr Harley's program works.
Ask her everyday if there is anything you can do for her. Ask her what specific things make her feel safe. What can you do to help her feel secure.
Have you read LB's yet? HNHN's? These are great books to read together taking turns reading chapters outlound then discussing your perspectives.
Are you committing any LB's at all? If so, stop today.
What are her top EN's now? Make as many LB deposits as humanly possible.
If she is still in withdraw, it will be difficult for her to allow you to meet her needs right now.
Best thing you can do is be consistant every single day with your actions. If you can keep the family together right now, over time you can prove this to her.
Only time and experiences with her will prove if your changes are real and lasting. I am working like never before. I resent myself for not doing this earlier in our marriage. I would love to present this program to my wife but she shows no interest in hearing about the website. I ask her everyday if there is anything I can do for her. But I have yet to ask her if there is anything I do to make her feel safe. I have offered to buy the book, HNHNs, but again, she didn't want me too. I wonder if I should just buy it anyways? I am staying away from all LBs. I do not get angry, have outburst, demand anything, or judge her. Her main EN is open and honesty. I am trying to show that and make LDs but it is difficult. I am continuing with my positive actions and moving forward everyday. That is all I can do.
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Those are all great steps. I would encourage you to get the books regardless. They are terrific.
I would anticipate that her top EN�s are actually affection & intimate conversation� her saying O&H may be a result of her feeling unsafe with you.
Can you give her affection? Can you have intimate conversations with her? Take interest in what she is doing. Take any opportunity to make LB deposits.
Take proactive steps to show her you are indeed being O&H.
You could take it upon yourself to make a daily log of your activities for her. You could be proactive and say 'I want to do what I can to prove to you that the changes in me are real. I have taken the following steps on my own 1), 2), 3) etc.. I plan to do these things each and every day.�
Think about some things that might be important for her in which you can show her every day you are serious.
Yes, get the books.
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I would love to present this program to my wife but she shows no interest in hearing about the website.
I have offered to buy the book, HNHNs, but again, she didn't want me too. I wonder if I should just buy it anyways? Just order the books. They will really be helpful to YOU. Trust me. They are very eye opening and will change your perspective on M. Get them. Read them. Digest them. Change yourself for the better. MB will help you become a better you. Isn�t that what you want? - That is the first step to saving your M. You can't force feed her anything. You can however make subtle suggestions or leave one of them out on the table. Or you could (when the time is right) ask her if she would be willing to read a couple of chapters with you.
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Also, if you haven't already, get the MB Radio app for your phone. I listen nearly every day and always learn something new.
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Those are all great steps. I would encourage you to get the books regardless. They are terrific.
I would anticipate that her top EN�s are actually affection & intimate conversation� her saying O&H may be a result of her feeling unsafe with you.
Can you give her affection? Can you have intimate conversations with her? Take interest in what she is doing. Take any opportunity to make LB deposits.
Take proactive steps to show her you are indeed being O&H.
You could take it upon yourself to make a daily log of your activities for her. You could be proactive and say 'I want to do what I can to prove to you that the changes in me are real. I have taken the following steps on my own 1), 2), 3) etc.. I plan to do these things each and every day.�
Think about some things that might be important for her in which you can show her every day you are serious.
Yes, get the books. I would like to show her affection but how can I without physical touching? I don't think she would like me hugging her or holding her hand right now. The last two nights haven't been great. We haven't talked much. When I ask her about her job or her day she gives me short answers. So I don't try to push it on her.
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I would like to show her affection but how can I without physical touching? I don't think she would like me hugging her or holding her hand right now.
So I don't try to push it on her. Do you not know how to be Charming?
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Gotta step up your game my man...you know what trips her trigger..
edit: I think you are way to worried about her reaction to things. Do what you have been encouraged to do here and just get in there and get it done. Just do what you did to win her heart when you first met. Get it??
Don't worry about her emotional reaction to you being nice. She is in withdraw right now. You have to get her out of it.
Just do what you have to do! If she gets mad at you for making advances toward her or being nice..just blow right past it and make yourself a sandwich. Just don't do any LB's.
React not! Last time I checked you were still married..right?
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/29/13 03:19 PM.
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Gotta step up your game my man...you know what trips her trigger.. I think I over think things and just need to do the things I loved to do to make her happy.
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I think I over think things and just need to do the things I loved to do to make her happy. Exactly! see edit above. Associate you = Happy thoughts/feelings. Not HEAVY conversation and wet blanket...
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So far tonight is rough, she is angry with me, does not want to talk to me. I want to share the show with her and ask her out on a date. This is tough, how will I win her trust when she is shutting me out.
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She is not opening up at all. She did not care to hear the show or go on the show to speak. She is giving me zero chance to deposit love into her. Plan A is getting thrown in my face with a lot of attitude.
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Just hang in there and plan A without expectations.
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So far tonight is rough, she is angry with me, does not want to talk to me. I want to share the show with her and ask her out on a date. This is tough, how will I win her trust when she is shutting me out. Hi, H1983. I heard your show with Dr. Harley today. I haven't been following your thread, but I'm going to catch up on it now and see if there's anything I offer you. The situation you are describing in this post sounds like a thousand nights I have lived in my marriage. I assure you that it is possible to turn situations like this around. The path to winning a wife back from withdrawal through long-term persistence is not so well documented around here, I think, but it is still very doable.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She is not opening up at all. She did not care to hear the show or go on the show to speak. She is giving me zero chance to deposit love into her. Plan A is getting thrown in my face with a lot of attitude. Been there! You can get through this. As Dr. Harley said on the radio, the real issue is this: she is not in love with you. You can pursue and win her despite the fact that she is not open to you right now. It is possible. I have done it! In extremely similar circumstances, and with a wife acting exactly the same! You don't have to win her over to Marriage Builders at this time. Don't let the fact that she is not open to the idea cause you to despair or give up. Just keep making love bank deposits.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Review Dr. Harley's article on the Three States of Mind in marriage. There are four pages to the article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=26Your wife is in withdrawal. Wives typically go into withdrawal do to love busters. In withdrawal your wife does not want to meet your emotional needs, and she does not even want you to meet hers. That is the definition of withdrawal. Almost no love bank deposits can be made. The thing about withdrawal is that it is a temporary state. It is LONELY. We as human beings do NOT feel good when our emotional needs are not being met. Eventually, we poke our heads out of withdrawal into conflict, like a snail poking his head out of his shell. Dr. Harley used to play with snails when he was a boy. He'd poke them, and they'd go inside their shells. After a little while, they would emerge. Then (being a typical boy, I guess), he'd poke them again. The snails would withdraw into their shells again, and stay longer this time. Longer and longer the snails would stay if he kept poking them. Don't poke the snail!!! When your wife comes out of withdrawal into conflict, she will want her needs met, but will not want to meet yours. She will probably not care about protecting you from love busters, either. She will make demands, be disrespectful, and have angry outbursts. She will definitely have independent behavior. She will not have ANY interest at all if you complain about these things at that time. BUT, she will finally be open to you making love bank deposits. Suddenly the tiny trickle of love bank deposits you've been making will turn into tens or even hundreds of love bank units being deposited. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T POKE THE SNAIL! When your wife goes into conflict, if you do ANYTHING that she perceives as demanding, disrespectful, or angry, she will withdraw again, just like the snail. Likewise for your other love busters (like independent behavior, including sexual experiences that do not include her). Try to empathize with how hurt and lonely she is, and do whatever you can to make love bank deposits, and recognize that she will probably not care about you for awhile: your balance is still in the red, under "hate." But if you refrain from withdrawals and make deposits, she may move to "dislike," which will be improvement. And she may start making a habit of coming to you to get her emotional needs met! DON'T POKE THE SNAIL!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here are two vital posts for men whose wives are in withdrawal. I have copied these many times into threads of other men. I review them regularly. This is the key as to how to make this work and get your wife to fall back in love with you: #1: Rocks in a River: You find yourself on the bank of a wide river. It is too wide to jump across, and yet you still need to cross it. What do you do? You start picking up rocks and throwing them into the river. (These rocks are each small affectionate thing you do for your W). For the first 499 rocks, you see the rock hit the water, and then it dissapears. These rocks are sinking and landing on the bottom of the river. Eventually you get to rock #500 and it hits the water and part of it is sticking up above the surface. You now realize you are getting somewhere. You can finally see progress. For the first 499 rocks, you knew they were stacking up, but you had no proof other than common sense telling you that they were building up. We have to approach our relationships now as if every piece of affection is one of those rocks. We will not see any progress until a number of rocks have been thrown. However, just because we are not seeing these first 499 rocks does not mean they are not having an impact. Believe that they are, because they are. This is the original, but it's embedded in a long post about a bunch of other stuff. I include it only because I tend to be a historian: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659425#Post1659425EL was relating something he had been told by Steve Harley in a phone coaching session. #2: the first is one used by the poster DoormatNoMore;
Creating romantic love after infidelity (aka "healing") is like creating a new island by chucking buckets of sand in a lake. It's going to take a lot of sand before it begins to peek above the water. Wind, waves, rain, and storms will wash that peak away, but you have to keep chucking buckets of sand.
...
she has wrapped herself in a protective shell. There are small cracks in that shell where some light can get in. You are tossing grains of rice at this shell, hoping to give her the nourishment she needs. If you throw only a single grains, or only small amounts (not keeping up with UA, not meeting ENs) they are not likely to fall through the small cracks.
However, if you throw HANDFULS (20+ hours of UA time, becoming expert at meeting her EN's, adhering to EP's), then some grains can slip through the cracks and give her the nourishment she needs to go forward.
She is STUCK in that cave, sir. And your actions put her there. She cannot simply decide to come out. Your action is what will free her. Original: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164877&Number=2556440#Post2556440
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Husband1983, I also wanted to add that I think it's GREAT that you called the radio show! There is no better advice than getting advice straight from Dr. Harley. And in the long slow process of winning a wife back from withdrawal, there is no better way to keep yourself educated and motivated than to listen to the radio show EVERY SINGLE DAY.
If you are able, I would strongly encourage you to subscribe to the archives and start listening to them ALL. There is tons and tons of information in there for husbands with withdrawn wives that I haven't found in print from Dr. Harley anywhere.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Review Dr. Harley's article on the Three States of Mind in marriage. There are four pages to the article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=26Your wife is in withdrawal. Wives typically go into withdrawal do to love busters. In withdrawal your wife does not want to meet your emotional needs, and she does not even want you to meet hers. That is the definition of withdrawal. Almost no love bank deposits can be made. The thing about withdrawal is that it is a temporary state. It is LONELY. We as human beings do NOT feel good when our emotional needs are not being met. Eventually, we poke our heads out of withdrawal into conflict, like a snail poking his head out of his shell. Dr. Harley used to play with snails when he was a boy. He'd poke them, and they'd go inside their shells. After a little while, they would emerge. Then (being a typical boy, I guess), he'd poke them again. The snails would withdraw into their shells again, and stay longer this time. Longer and longer the snails would stay if he kept poking them. Don't poke the snail!!! When your wife comes out of withdrawal into conflict, she will want her needs met, but will not want to meet yours. She will probably not care about protecting you from love busters, either. She will make demands, be disrespectful, and have angry outbursts. She will definitely have independent behavior. She will not have ANY interest at all if you complain about these things at that time. BUT, she will finally be open to you making love bank deposits. Suddenly the tiny trickle of love bank deposits you've been making will turn into tens or even hundreds of love bank units being deposited. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T POKE THE SNAIL! When your wife goes into conflict, if you do ANYTHING that she perceives as demanding, disrespectful, or angry, she will withdraw again, just like the snail. Likewise for your other love busters (like independent behavior, including sexual experiences that do not include her). Try to empathize with how hurt and lonely she is, and do whatever you can to make love bank deposits, and recognize that she will probably not care about you for awhile: your balance is still in the red, under "hate." But if you refrain from withdrawals and make deposits, she may move to "dislike," which will be improvement. And she may start making a habit of coming to you to get her emotional needs met! DON'T POKE THE SNAIL! Ok, so I keep with Plan A. I believe Dr. Harley said to stick with it for one to two years. If my wife becomes demands for me to move out do I do it? Is this meeting her needs at the moment? I am trying to avoid that at all cost but it is not turning out so well. So if she ask me to move out or she'll get the court involved do I mo
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Why didn't you ask Dr Harley this question as I suggested?
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