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Slipped my mind. There were so many questions I wanted to ask but not enough time.
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So this morning was nice, first my wife wasn't very talkative but she opened up and talked about her job and I enjoyed listening and talking her about it. The boys were playing so we hung out in the kitchen to chat alone. It seems these are the only time we are alone since she doesn't want to go anywhere with me.
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Have you looked into counseling for your porn addiction?
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So this morning was nice, first my wife wasn't very talkative but she opened up and talked about her job and I enjoyed listening and talking her about it. The boys were playing so we hung out in the kitchen to chat alone. It seems these are the only time we are alone since she doesn't want to go anywhere with me. In the kitchen, in the yard..whatever. Be happy there is opportunity! Seize every chance you can get. Dr Harley's advice was right on target, wasn't it? She will have times that she goes into conflict and when she does BAM-make as many LB deposits as possible. Did you tell her the things Dr Harley suggested you share with her about your vision of the future? Timing will be key when you deliver that one. Make sure the moment is right. Try not to look into every tiny detail of every day and analyze each interaction. Be cool,calm and collected. Again,no Love Busters. Ever. This is going to take time. It took a long time for your M to get where it is today and will take time to restore. Keep working on improving yourself everyday. You are on the right track. Way to go.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/30/13 07:38 AM.
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Have you looked into counseling for your porn addiction? Yes, I am. I am joining celebrate recovery through my church.
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"What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question Do you do this? Daily? No matter what her reaction is? I would use the wording "Is there anything I can do for you today?" It might connote less expectation that she wants you to serve her. "Are you hurting today?"
"Is there anything I can do to help you heal?" I would lay off of these after a while, since they will be a continual reminder of your mistake. They are good for awhile, though. The rest of these suggestions are GOLD. Are you doing them? Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday. Buy an inexpensive note book. Every page is one day. Jot down where you went, what you did, how long you were there, and how much money you spent. Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss. "What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question "Are you hurting today?" "Is there anything I can do to help you heal?" Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me. Make dinner. Bring home dinner. make coffee. Bring home Starbucks. Offer to take her shopping. Buy her a DVD or CD. Buy concert tickets (unless you think it would piss her off that you spent $$$) Just brainstorming .... you don't need to reply.
Last edited by markos; 05/30/13 09:47 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Have you looked into counseling for your porn addiction? Yes, I am. I am joining celebrate recovery through my church. I do not know if it would be against the forum policy to make this suggestion, but I found a LOT of help for porn behavior through the book Every Man's Battle. The book focuses strongly on creating new habits to stop feeding illicit sexual appetites, and on creating what Dr. Harley would call extraordinary precautions to avoid being tempted. It also takes the position that your standard should be to completely eliminate this behavior, not simply try to be "pretty good" or "better than most people." I have never heard Dr. Harley recommend it, but I thought it was great. It is a religious book, so I don't typically post about it here, but you mentioned you were in a church, so I thought I could get away with it. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday. Buy an inexpensive note book. Every page is one day. Jot down where you went, what you did, how long you were there, and how much money you spent. I tried this yesterday and my wife hated the idea. She said she didn't want to be married to someone she had to keep tabs on. I have no idea how to display honesty and openness to her right now. Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss. "What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question "Are you hurting today?" "Is there anything I can do to help you heal?" I continue to ask her daily if there is anything I can do for you. She always brings something up and I do it for it. Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me. Make dinner. Bring home dinner. make coffee. Bring home Starbucks. Offer to take her shopping. Buy her a DVD or CD. Buy concert tickets (unless you think it would piss her off that you spent $$$) Just brainstorming .... you don't need to reply. I offered some ideas but she wants nothing to do with me. Did you do this once and then give up??? That is NOT what Pepperband was telling you to do! Ask that daily question!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Also Pep, I know the OM she is texting, he is a former coworker and a friend of ours. Do I need to confront him about the issue? What is his situation? Married? If he is, contact his wife first. I want you to encourage you to contact OM and tell him that your marriage recovery is being hindered by his deepening relationship with your wife. This is a great idea. Do this more than once. Your BW won't like it, but it will send a message to her that you are willing to protect your M. So, I say YES. Edit to add: Telling OM "Cut it out" is a hundred times better than saying those words to your wife. (in your precarious situation) He is single, I know he has slept with two other coworkers at my wife's previous workplace. He left and got a job in a different location. Still lives close in the area. He has been a good friend to us. But now since she is texting him to come to places where I will not be I am becoming more and more concerned. Did you follow Pepperband's suggestions here? Or did you reply to the post and forget about it? Notice that Pepperband said: "Do this more than once."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Okay what about today?
How can you meet any emotional needs today? Not sure right now, I usually ask her when she gets home from work if there is anything I can do for her that day. It sounds like she just gets irritated when you ask her this question. Does she drink coffee? Make her a cup Does she like baths? Buy some bath soaps Does she like a clean house? Clean it thoroughly It's going to be hard to make any deposits because she has basically closed her love bank to you. Dr Harley recently advised a caller to clean windows if that will make a small deposit. You have a LB deficit and you need to get out of the red before you will notice any change Ah, okay; I see that you are asking this question, or at least you were for awhile. I would KEEP asking it! This post from Jedi_Knight has some great suggestions, and I would try them. My wife likes small inexpensive gifts: nail polish, a soda, a notepad ... even just bringing her a tylenol when she has a headache makes a love bank deposit and communicates to her that I care for her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Put a hidden GPS on your wife's auto. Think of it as insurance. Did you follow this suggestion from Pepperband?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Honesty and openness - I account for where I have been, what I have been doing everyday. Buy an inexpensive note book. Every page is one day. Jot down where you went, what you did, how long you were there, and how much money you spent. I tried this yesterday and my wife hated the idea. She said she didn't want to be married to someone she had to keep tabs on. I have no idea how to display honesty and openness to her right now. Intimate Conversation - I always ask how work was, try and bring up topics of discussion. I try to engage in anything my wife wants to discuss. "What can I do for you today?" <~~~ daily question "Are you hurting today?" "Is there anything I can do to help you heal?" I continue to ask her daily if there is anything I can do for you. She always brings something up and I do it for it. Recreational Companionship - Right now, I am offering to get out of the house and go to dinner, go for walks, anything...but she does not want to do any of them with me. Make dinner. Bring home dinner. make coffee. Bring home Starbucks. Offer to take her shopping. Buy her a DVD or CD. Buy concert tickets (unless you think it would piss her off that you spent $$$) Just brainstorming .... you don't need to reply. I offered some ideas but she wants nothing to do with me. Did you do this once and then give up??? That is NOT what Pepperband was telling you to do! Ask that daily question! I asked her out last night and she refused. I will try today to see if she would like to get coffee or lunch.
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It's springtime.
A good angle would be to ask "would you like to go get some flowers for the patio at home depot?"
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Or be impromptu. One day make sandwiches with your kids and go for a picnic and invite your wife to come along. Make sure the park has a playground to keep the kids busy so you get a little alone time with her.
Last edited by TranquilDark; 05/30/13 11:52 AM.
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Ask her if there is anything you can do for her today.
It may not be an intimate emotional need, but it will be some emotional need.
Remember, little pebbles to start building the bridge.
Do you review your entire thread often looking for pieces of advice you missed? I would, if I were you.
Are you going to listen to Marriage Builders Radio today?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ask her if there is anything you can do for her today.
It may not be an intimate emotional need, but it will be some emotional need.
Remember, little pebbles to start building the bridge.
Do you review your entire thread often looking for pieces of advice you missed? I would, if I were you.
Are you going to listen to Marriage Builders Radio today? I plan on to continue to ask her if I can do anything for her. That is a good point. I will look over to see if I missed anything. I'll catch the radio show after work today.
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I plan on to continue to ask her if I can do anything for her. That is a good point. I will look over to see if I missed anything. I'll catch the radio show after work today. Fantastic, H1983. Stick with it. You can do this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Ask her if there is anything you can do for her today.
It may not be an intimate emotional need, but it will be some emotional need.
Remember, little pebbles to start building the bridge.
Do you review your entire thread often looking for pieces of advice you missed? I would, if I were you.
Are you going to listen to Marriage Builders Radio today? I plan on to continue to ask her if I can do anything for her. That is a good point. I will look over to see if I missed anything. I'll catch the radio show after work today. Ask her everyday what you can do for her. Then do it. Are you committing any love busters?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Ask her if there is anything you can do for her today.
It may not be an intimate emotional need, but it will be some emotional need.
Remember, little pebbles to start building the bridge.
Do you review your entire thread often looking for pieces of advice you missed? I would, if I were you.
Are you going to listen to Marriage Builders Radio today? I plan on to continue to ask her if I can do anything for her. That is a good point. I will look over to see if I missed anything. I'll catch the radio show after work today. Ask her everyday what you can do for her. Then do it. Are you committing any love busters? No, I am avoiding these at all cost. If my wife tells me to leave her alone for the day I do. I'm never angry, have outburst, or demand anything. I simple tell her I love her and I would like to work on our marriage.
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I had my first celebrate recovery meeting last night and it was great. Getting to talk about my problem and listen to others was amazing. I know this isn't a religious board but starting to reconnect spiritually feels great. I had a small conversation with my wife last night and I continue to try to meet her needs, even if they are small opportunities at the moment.
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