1. Call an attorney now and discuss your options.
2. Plan B him...HARD! Hit him with the stick, as Pepperband says (or whomever i'm quoting). He either needs to walk the walk or hit the door. Don't be a doormat. If he doesn't shape up, head to #3...











3. Plan D. Divorce him! There are a gazillion men out there who will treat you and your children with dignity and respect. No second guessing, no wavering at this point. If you decide on Plan D, make sure you are willing to complete the task. Because if you do waver, and give in, and stop Plan D processes...then you are right back in life as a doormat.

It was amazing how willing my ExWW was to "work on things" after I served her D papers. I did the heavy lifting when I found out about OM#3, but little did I know she was active with OM#4. Only when I found out about OM#4 did I serve her papers. But I knew at that point i was done. The damage was irreparable. There is life after Plan D...and I'm here to prove it. No more horrible anxiety when the WW heads to work, or goes to store...no more stress about lies, no more "watching." Just peace.

Stay strong! Do NOT be a doormat. Stay Strong!!!

He,s back at home, sais he has decided to stay with his family and work to find the spark again. And that this time the decision is final.

I was at first in quite a shock, somehow reluctant to believe that this is true. I walked out of the house for an hour to work things out in my mind. My reaction was surprising to him, to myself too. Did he really think that when he says- i am not over her but i am coming home and trying to be with you- I would jump up the ceiling with joy??? I admit that my expectatoins that he comes back and says he so sorry that this happened was a " never to happen" fantasy too.

What was the breaking point. Probably several- the ones when I broke down with my nerves. Or the one when i decided that if he goes he will take the bigger girl along, because soon its her first year is school and I have no mental power to go through helping her when Im so down. Or the moment when he had to face his mother with the actions he has done.

Of course I have fears- they are still working together. Not immediate collegues, but they probably cant avoid meeting in the office. They dont need to communicate jobwise, may be only some e- mails. He deleted her phone sitting beside me when I asked him to do that, He agreed to avoid any talking, messages with her. He agreed that jobwise, he can ask his collegues to deal with anything concerning her. Her contract will end somewhere in the end of this year.

It is not going to be easy. We talk, sometimes we manage very well. But his withdrawal signs are still there. Not as strong as at the previous break ups. I dont feel good when he closes up to me. I have learned to pull away at those moments, i dont try to connect or discuss at those moments, this way it is far more easyer for me. I usually leave him with the girls and go for a run or visit a friend at those moments. I have given over all the responsibility of the older girl for him. He manages all the school stuff, will be responsible for her clothes, getting her room ready, school meetings, after school activities, arranging her birthday aso. I only follow his orders if he asks me to do something. This has been an excellent idea. I would suggest this kind of giving over responsibility to anyone with a wayward spouse.

I definately dont suggest anyone to follow my example, im emotionally absolutely exhausted, if i didnt have my friends support and psychologists help i have no idea where i would be.

Sometimes it is very hard to talk to him, we just sit and think our own thoughts both. What are the things to do together that would keep both of our minds off from the third one. What are the suggestions for this withdrawal period?

i want to redo the house, dragging him to choose walcoverings today. Having our little girls birhday today, especially planned a big party.

Good news now you both need to follow the program. I never had experience with recover and I'm sure some vets will be here with tough questions for you. Don't shy away and follow the advice. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? If not you should order them. Surviving the Affair and Lovebusters. Not familiar with your story but what actions has he demonstrated to ensure this doesn't happen again? How did the affair start? Has he eliminated the factors that led him to make a bonehead decision such as this affair?

You are destined to fail. It has been proven over and over again. Every time he sees her the spark he has for her (NOT YOU) will be rekindle. You are fighting a losing battle and are throwing away the only tools that will rectify the situation.

I'm still wondering why you are here? This may be an open forum but it�s intent to is to teach the principles put forth by Dr. Harley. Your posting and not following the advice isn�t good for the readers on this forum who are looking for answers � unless your thread serves the purpose of what not to do if you are the victim of infidelity.

Good luck in your efforts to rekindle his spark for you while he�s sparking every day at work.

FYI: Your H is a cheater and as such lies about everything. So long as he is addicted to her � which he is � he will lie to you to keep you where he needs you. Cake eater that he is.

You need to get some backbone and end his affair. That means insisting he quit his job for another.

I concur. People here like to use this example: your husband is a destructive drunk. In order to be sober and stay sober he needs a plan, support and accountability. Once he is sober going to events where alcohol is present is FORBIDDEN or he might fall off the wagon its only a matter of time and opportunity. Alcohol is the OW, his work is the bar, I'm sure you get the picture. Believe none what he says, verify everything, judge his actions and his actions say this: I'm going to say I want to come back so I can cake eat when I had my fill I'm going to see OW and bounce back and forth because its all about me.

Rubie,

Has your H agreed to the conditions of his return?

1.) Your H must end ALL contact with the OW (other woman) for the rest of his life. He must change all his contact information. I'm sorry you say you can't move; however, that's exactly what many people have done to get themselves away from the OW. He would need to write a letter of No Contact to the OW.

2.) Your H must be completely transparent with you, holding nothing back: shared passwords, cell phones, bank account info, etc.

3.) Your H must agree to live an integrated life with you with no nights apart.

4.) Your H would need to agree to Extraordinary Precautions to avoid the conditions that led to his adultery.

5.) He would need to agree to Just Compensation. Dr. Harley does not advocate forgiveness. Instead your H would agree to a program of recovery that will make your marriage better than ever: romantic, passionate, and safe.

Does the OW's husband know his wife is committing adultery with your H? He needs to know so that he can watching on his end.

Do NOT let your H back unless he agrees to all the above conditions. Or you will not end up with a recovered marriage. Instead you will suffer either a false recovery or crippled version of the pre-A marriage.

Please do not set yourself up for disaster.

What is your plan of recovery? Do you have one?

What difference does that make? He'll say it is final the next time, and the times after that, too. He said it was final when he got married, too, right? The point I'm making is that he can and will say anything to string you along, and that does not make it true.


Well of course you were reluctant to believe him. You are intelligent enough to know that he's been lying all this time and nothing prevents him from lying now, and intelligent enough to know that he's changed his mind about "final" decisions (like getting married) before and nothing prevents him from changing his mind about this "final" decision, either.

Follow LWFH's list. Add to it this: He cannot work in the same place other woman does. He must quit his job if she is there.

No if's, and's, or but's.

Rubie, there is nothing new here. Your WH is sensing that his cake-eating days will be coming to an end if he doesn't do some damage control to keep you in line and catering to his desire to have two women.

This is the main problem. As long as they are working together, the affair can reignite at any moment. Also understand that this situation is untenable for YOU - many women have complete nervous breakdowns from the stress of their WH working with OW. You have already indicated that your nerves are breaking. If you can't see what this is doing to you, PLEASE take steps to avoid the fall-out that will happen to your children when their mother is hospitalized from this.

You did not respond to LongWayFromHome's post. Here it is again - please read it and let us know what you have planned to recover your marriage. Please tell us that you didn't just let him move back in without his agreeing to any requirements for recovery.