When I get home most evenings there are a bunch of kids there. She watches two other kids after school and another all day. We have two of our own. So when I get home in the evenings, there are usually at least 3 other kids there running around that are not mine. She is busy with them, and I must admit I hate walking into that chaos. To be honest, I'm not fond of little children that are not mine either. So yes, I sometimes do disappear until some of them are gone which is usually within the hour.

I always make sure to ask her how her day has been going and give her a hug and kiss, but then she is off to attend to something that needs attending to.

No fun drive really. It's not far away. Only about 15 minutes uptown. I do seek out opportunities to spend time with the family. I know this was one of her complaints in the past, so I pay special attention to it.

How much? Dr. Harley says you need to meet this need with 15 hours per week.

You have a lot of potential for making lovebank deposits by NOT disappearing. Is there a way you can make that work for you?
Sit down and read to your own kids? Make dinner? A special project that she'd like done? Doesn't have to be those things, but think about it.

You need to be honest with your wife about the fact that this situation bothers you.

I also strongly suggest you learn how to relax in the face of frustration. Dr. Harley recommends this for people with anger problems (like me) and also in some other circumstances (such as negotiation for very emotional people). I had to learn it because of the anger problems, but as a father of SIX SMALL CHILDREN I have found it absolutely INVALUABLE to be able to stay perfectly calm in the midst of frustrating chaos!!!!!

It makes me a much better father, too.

If you can stay present instead of disappearing, it will probably make love bank deposits.


That's probably just a tiny love bank deposit. If you can get involved in helping her it will make more. Be present with her!

I don't keep track of it to be honest. I can say I don't really do anything other than with my W or my family. We spend every evening with them preparing them for bed, eating dinner, etc.

On the weekends, we go to the YMCA and workout together and then take the kids swimming.

$20k... isn't that 2.5months rent on a 900sf apartment near central park?

/Slight TJ/
Oops, your on the wrong thread HHH. Lol. Kiss and I don't live anywhere near Central Park. We are in the overtaxed suburbs of the Hudson valley. An hour and a half north of the big bad city.
/end TJ/

That's funny...I could have sworn I said the babysitter was $30.

:p


That's what I get for multi-tabbing at work!


The secret is out, now!

I watch your thread, even if I'm not posting FTF!

You know what? I'm struggling with this UA time thing. I've been feeling lately like the time we spend in the evenings just doesn't really count no matter what we do if it's at home. It just seems like we are clocking in and clocking out and then marking down an hour or two in the register. Just doesn't feel like it's doing much.

I've been reading around and there are all sorts of suggestions out there. Do it outside of the home unless it's SF. Connect in some way for UA every day. Even in one of his articles on UA time, Dr. Harley says a couple hours a day should just about do it (referring to the 15 hours).

But it just doesn't feel productive to me. I mean, yea, there we are each night, but it just feels like "OK everything else on the list for the day is done, now let's squeeze this last thing in". Honestly, I think it would be a lot more enjoyable to spend that time doing stuff together that we really want to do during that time, like watch TV or a movie.

So, I decided to look into doing 4 hours, 4 times a week, but that is almost impossible and doesn't really feel good either unless it is on the weekends. It's the same time slot pretty much, just out of the house. And it racks up the $$ because we have to pay for a babysitter. Another thing, as I sat down to look at what that schedule would look like, there is no way to avoid not going out two nights in a row every week.

Very few couples can make UA at home work.
The fact is, until you've both made quite a few lovebank deposits, UA may be something that you have to force yourself to do for awhile.
The best way to do it, is to get out of the house. Going on 4 dates a week is not impossible. It just seems impossible because you don't really feel like doing it.
Do it anyway. Plan things you can look forward to.

Well, nothing is impossible. Four dates a week out of the home is very difficult for us though. If I could sell the kids on Ebay we might have a better shot at it.

Nothing to see here... Just posting responses to myself so when I read back through my own thread I can find the links to the research I am doing.

UA Time When Children are Very Young

Good idea. And BTW, they frown on selling kids on Ebay. Kiss and I tried it. Well, not really, but Kiss had put together a listing with my son's picture and everything. It was really cute.

It's been almost two years since the "I'm not sexually attracted to you" speech. Six months of that has been spent here. And that's still where we are. It's really starting to wear on me. Just sharing.

FTF,

That's true, but at least you understand the problem, some go through their entire marriage with lukewarm sex from a WW they never knew was a WW.

You have to restart your recovery clock to zero sometime in the last six months, and then count up to between two and five years after. Possibly the last time WW revealed some significant detail.

God Bless
Gamma

Posting thread links to myself again...

Are you still surprised you feel traumatised at the two year mark?

How many dates a week are you getting?