That's great

Update: Since last week I feel my wife and I are working on our marriage. She asked me over the weekend to call our church marriage counselor to set up a meeting next Tuesday. She doesn't want to spend alone time with me but will spend time with me with our children to family events. I asked her two nights ago if I could move back into the bedroom and she responded with, "Why would you ask me that? Just because we are nice to each other doesn't mean we are getting back together. Stop putting me situations where I have to tell you no. It isn't fair." I explained that isn't what I want to do. I told her I loved her and want to be with her. I told her I hope she gives me time to show her the true change I am going through for a better life.

We spend at night alone watching our favorite shows and laugh and talk about each others day. I feel like I am making small deposits of love in those moments. I continue to meet her needs every day without expecting anything back. She has done nice things like buy me clothes or says thank you when I do something nice for her.

I feel like we are working on things even though she does want to say it. If I bring up something about the marriage, she gets made and says some mean things to upset me. I don't get upset in front of her but it really hurts me when I'm alone. I just need to keep working plan A and have faith if is working.

She still plans to go a camping trip at the end of the month. I fear she is going to do something to get back at me. She may, she may not. I don't know. I just rush she would let me go or we could go do something different as a couple. I don't want to push the issue and have her mad at me and start live busters. Should I bring the issue up again? Explain how it hurts me and I would love to be able to go with her?

I just don't what to do about it. I just hope our marriage is moving in the right direction.

been lurking for over a year; first post.

Husband; you need some patience! You're making small LB's by chatting, then you seem to bring up a heavy (to your wife) subject.

That's like running into the park and throwing birdseed at starving pigeons; even though they need want you have, they're going to flee.

It took you a while to get into this mess, it will probably take as long or longer to get you out. Your words mean little to your wife; actions (like small LB's) mean a lot!

Very good point. Should I just never bring up the idea of us working on our marriage? Instead, should I just continue plan A and through my actions work on the marriage?

Now might be a very good time to buy a Marriage Builders book and suggest you read it together. Love Busters would probably be best for your situation. Draw Close might also go over well seeing as how you are members of a church. But any of Dr. Harley's book would be a good idea if she finds it interesting or helpful, especially if it could mean a chance to do more of them later on.


Take advantage of those opportunities to make love bank deposits!


Tell her that you are glad she was honest with you, and you appreciate her telling you no, and you want to always know when she isn't enthusiastic about something you proposed. If she doesn't feel like doing it, you don't want to do it!

Here is a very good Q&A column from Dr. Harley that includes a section on "How to Return to Your Home" that you will probably find helpful for you:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=29&subsublink=316

By the way: read all of Dr. Harley's Q&A columns. Seriously. There is lots of material in there that will be helpful for you, even if certain article titles don't seem to apply to you. Get crackin'!


I wouldn't lecture her about how you are changing, or add the word "true" to try to emphasize it.


If she is enjoying it, then you probably are. It may be the only situation she is comfortable with, and it may be the only way you have, for now.

Use those moments to make love bank deposits.


Quit doing that, then! You won't save your marriage by having a discussion about the marriage! You save it by making love bank deposits, and avoiding withdrawals.

Thank you for the advice. I will take this all to heart. I have HNHN for parents and have asked her if she would like to read it together. She said she would think about. Do I let time pass by and ask her again if she would like to read it or do I just wait?

Why don't you check out the various Marriage Builders books available and see if there is one she would like.

Love Busters is absolutely the book that you need to go through personally, Husband1983. And she might be very enthusiastic about you doing the work in that book if she saw what was in it.

Did you read the article I posted?

Exactly. She is sentitive of the slightest pressure. A big source of pressure is saying 'I love you' and asking questions about the M. These make her feel pressured.

Just be super Cool day in day out.

So don't tell her I love her? Saying this creates pressure? I will stop this then. Thanks.

See, you don't want to set yourself up for failure. Failure meaning saying I love you and expecting her to say it back or her feeling pressured to share her feelings for you.

Just try to make as many LB's deposits as humanly possible.

Get her out on dates if possible and don't talk at all about your relationship or future. Try to link you=happy thoughts. Create new memories together that are nothing but positive.

It took a long time for her to fall out of love with you. Making numerous LB deposits the way that means most to her to trigger that feeling of romantic love for you again.

Try to date her again like when you first met!

Over time, this is how she is going to fall back in love with you.

+ 1

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Saying "I love you" is a symbolic act of care.

It's meaningless for her when there hasn't been concrete acts of care to back it up. Or when love busters of the past have wiped out all the care you ever did.

When I tell my wife I love her I feel like I'm saying it just so she knows it. But if it is creating pressure I'll stop. I asked my wife out this up coming Sumday and she said she'd consider it. This Saturday we are taking out family camping with another family. I'm hoping I can create large LB deposits on this up coming trip. She is still planning to go on the camping trip without me (the one where she is going with former co workers). All I can do is say it hurts me that she is doing it and I wish we could go away for that weekend instead. But I can't stop her.

Yes, I just did. Thank you for the article. Very helpful and good points.

Good. You will get a lot out of those Q&A columns.

Read them all!

Just ordered the Love Busters book. Can't wait to start reading it.

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has responded and helped me through this time in my life. I am a complete stranger and you all have taken the time to give me advice and talk me through the process. It means a lot to me and I thank you.

We are glad to help, H1983! Some of us have been here for years learning Dr. Harley's principles and helping others learn to implement them.

So I asked my wife out to dinner this Sunday and she said she would consider it. I feel this is a good sign since she didn't say "no". But I don't want to get my hopes up. She also plans to visit with the marriage counselor next Tuesday. Are these good signs or am I just thinking too deep into it?

Well, I think most marriage counselors are pretty terrible, but it might show some willingness. If you can get the MB books introduced you may be able to eventually channel that willingness toward recovery.

Stick with the plan regardless of what she does, regardless of ups and downs: avoid love busters, make love bank deposits. And read Q&A columns and MB books like crazy and listen to the radio show!

If she changes her mind about dinner be sure to not have a big emotional reaction. She may want to test to see if a big door is clamping down behind her to trap her - she may want to check to see if the door is still open for her to back out of such things. If you get to take her, though -- GREAT!