My husband of 12 yrs had a yr long affair with coworker and got her pregnant. She is 3 months pregnant now and I found out last month. I am totally devastated but want my marriage to work. I have read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair however, I do not know how to stop the angry outbursts, angry text messages etc when my emotions flare up.

I also am afraid that once the baby is born I will be back to square 1. Is staying in this marriage really worth it, even if you still love your spouse? Has anyone ever heard of a married couple surviving such a betrayal? Ps. my husband and I do not have kids yet which is part of the problem. How can his first be with someone else?

Peace, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Please go read the stickied threads on this forum ASAP and come back and lets talk. We have solutions for you.

Start here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445081#Post2445081

Hello Peace2345,

First let me say how very sorry I am for the circumstances that bring you here. The betrayal of an affair is painful enough but when that affair leads to a pregnancy it is pain you think you can never survive much less recover from. I can tell you that you CAN recover but only if you and your WH are on the same page.

Is the A over? Do they still work together? Has a NC letter been written and sent? You will need to get the AO's under control, so you need to find an outlet for your anger. You can post your frustations here if you need to vent.

Now, to be honest if your WH is not working on being a FORMER WH and if he is still in contact with the OW this may be a battle you don't choose to fight. That is up to you. Personally I would not have attempted recovery if we didn't have our own children to consider. That being said, I can tell you that my marriage is so much better now and my husband is a much better man than he was even before the A's.

Any talk of contact or no contact with the POTENTIAL OC should be off the table until:

1. You are in recovery
2. DNA is done to prove your WH is the father

I suggest you seriously consider divorce.
Marriages with the other women pregnant have a dismal success rate

Peace,
There will be no denying that you and WH will have tough going to get through this. But as for summarily divorcing at this time, let me say two things:

1) The are diseases - cancers, genetic disorders - that have lower survival rates than marriages burdened with OCs. Fortunately, it's not highly recommended to euthanize each victim immediately upon diagnosis.

2) If every marriage burdened with an OC were to be abandoned because of knowledge of the long odds against its recovery - well, the "failure" rate would eventually hit 100%, becoming a "self fulfilling" prophecy.

This site is called Marriage Builders for a reason. I would expect there are other sites called "Divorce Facilitators". The folks, and the content, here will give you your best shot at restoring/maintaining a high-quality marital union.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you're here, in any event.

Is the affair still ongoing?
Has your husband commited to the recovery plan in the book?

I am sorry you are here. You have to consider many options if you stay and if you go. There will always be a trust issue if you stay. This is your WH first child and it is with the OW, that in and of itself will have lifelong effects on your mental stability and will deeply affect your relationship with your marriage. He will always have to have contact with the OW because of the OC. You don't have children with him, however, you do have a lifelong commitment thus far with him. You have the daily struggles of "life" with him. She has the fantasy life with him. and now she will have an OC with him.

You need to seriously consider the consequences if you stay with him. The OC will forever bond them as parents, unfortunately. Can YOU survive that?

I couldn't. After the OC was born, I filed for divorce. It wasn't the OC, or the affair that brought me to that decision. It was MY actions as a person. I had become someone I didn't like. I was constantly doubting him. I was living in turmoil wondering where he was, was he with her...I was checking his phone, his pager, his car...I couldnt' live that way the rest of my life.

You need to really think about what life will be like from now on with an OC involved. Especially since there are no COM involved.

Well for clarification Dr Harley recommends that he would have no contact with the other child or other woman.

Well, no. That would be murder, for one. I don't see how you can compare that with divorce after adultery and a pending OC.

I have seen advice to divorce on these boards pass without incident on several occasions.

" He will always have to have contact with the OW because of the OC. You don't have children with him, however"

ST, Dr Harley recommends no contact with EITHER the OC or the OW. We have many couples here who follow that rule. If a couple follows Dr Harleys directions, they do just great! I have not ever noticed a higher failure rate because of an OC if the couple follows the rules.

That's because there might have been a compelling reason. Just because a marriage experiences an OC is not an automatic reason for divorce.

Peace, I am sorry about your situation and I completely sympathize with you, as I am going through the exact same thing!!!! If you need to talk, please feel free.