My husband had an affair at the beginning of the year and we were separated for about 1.5 months before he came back. Now that we are trying to work things out, we find out his mistress is pregnant. She is not exactly trustworthy, as she is already engaged to her live-in boyfriend, so we do not know 100% if it is my husbands. However, the date on her sonogram suggests a high probability of it being my husband's child. I am furious, confused, and heart broken. Anybody else been through a similar scenario?? I do not know what to do!! I wrote our church pastor to see us again after the latest events and waiting for a response back. I am wanting a DNA test asap after the child is born!

Welcome to MB and so sorry for your pain.

We do have a board here Pregnancy/Child where there are many posters in the same situation.

Have you read these?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Have you been tested for STDs?

Welcome to MB, butterfly. I am sorry to hear of the affair.

The most urgent thing you must do now is to stop talking about the possibility of this being your H's child. Do not ask for a DNA test - NEVER ask for a DNA test. Let this go forward on the assumption that this is her boyfriends's child. Do not let your H admit liability in any way. He should stop all contact with OW (and so should you) and you should cut her out of your lives altogether. If you can move away, do so.

If this child is ever decreed to be your H's biological child, then your marriage will be under permanent assault. If OW decides to force a DNA test on him through the courts, then he should make the decision never to see the child, if your marriage is to survive.

You should read the general advice and some of the threads on our Pregnancy/Child forum to see why I say these things. This advice is based on the advice that Dr Harley gives.

How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Thank You for the advice. I am torn because my Husband's Dad gives the same advice, but a few close friends and family say the opposite and agree that in order for our marriage to work, it is my right to know if it's my husband's child. I have very strong moral convictions in why I believe he should get a DNA test- I do not believe it is fair for a child not to know who their father is, and the baby is 100% innocent. I will always wonder.... We have been together a total of 9 years and married for 4. And no children yet, but I want one desperately & as crazy as it sounds I am trying to conceive.

Please read this before you ask for a DNA test.

Can someone plz guide me to where I can find out what all the abbreviations mean in the forums?? Ex:OW,etc

Here, OW=other woman
Acronyms and Abbreviations

Are you determined to have him take the DNA test? If so, what advice are you seeking here?

Please listen to this radio show Dr Harley counsels about a BW, WH and OC

Here is another segment from the radio show http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2513957#Post2513957

Butterfly, you are making very serious, strategic mistakes that will wreck your marriage if you don't stop now. First off, you should not do a DNA test unless it is court ordered. It is not "fair" to that child to have your H in her life because he will hinder the OW's chances of finding a father for the child. The best solution is for the OW's BF to father the child. If your husband is hanging around, it will wreck your marriage and the OW's marriage. The OW's BF can be the father since he lives with the OW.

I would implore you to listen to Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, who will tell you to do everything to keep this child out of your lives. You will not only ruin the child's chances of a safe, stable family but you will wreck your own marriage if you don't follow this advice.

Go read this thread about how you should handle this: What to Do When You (or your spouse) Becomes Pregnant with an Affair Partner's Child


And this radio clip with Dr Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2409

Those friends and family have absolutely no idea how a marriage works. They have no expertise whatsoever. They should stick to general dentistry where their "advice" won't cause as much harm.

Well, the problem is that the OW is an unfit mother, and a recent drug user/alcoholic. That child would definitely now be brought up in a "stable" environment. I am also curious to know for those that have Bible verses under their names as to if you think the advice you are giving to just basically ignore it is something you feel Christ would do? Just a genuine concern....I do appreciate all the input. I am going to seek council from a Pastor as well next week.

Another concern of mine is that my husband should have to take responsibility for the mistake he made (not the child, but the act that created that child). I personally don't see any responsibility if the advice I am given is for him to just walk away. I don't think any "man" should walk away from his child- whether it result in an affair or not. I was just looking for any stories on any successful outcomes. My husband does not have any contact with the OW. Not since we both found out she was pregnant 2 months ago. We have not even contacted her for a DNA test....

Do you feel that if the child were to be the boyfriend's child.......it then would be fair for it to live with an unfit mother?

Ethically, the child is growing inside a woman who is its mother.

That woman, fit or unfit will have people step up to the plate as much as you and your H would. Certainly, if anyone near her, other than you cares, they will monitor the situation and if need be, turn it over to social services.

My point is that my husband should step up and take responsibility whether we save our marriage or not. And most definitely even if it were the BF's child I feel it's unfair for any child to have a whore as a mother...Sorry but it's true.

Judging her fitness isn't your job. It would be child protective service's job to do if needed.

Whether it is your H's bio child or not.....that will be the child's mother.

Maybe you can in good faith, let protective services know she is pregnant and has drug/alchohol problems and step back and out of the mess for now.

Do you and your H have children?

You have no control over the habits of the child's mother. Nor do you have any control over the environment in which the child will live. That should have no bearing on your recovery.

Does your husband have some idea that he wants to be in this child's life? That is something you both need to decide. You both understand that there can be no contact with OW, correct? Forever.

I have no Bible verses under my name. I do know that Christ recognized marriage as a primary covenant between a man and woman; ie, the kids come second. This baby comes second to your marriage. I hope you will consider my post anyway.

We have zero contact with the OW, but if it is my husband's child and we decide to get partial custody, they will have to have contact. I just don't think Christ would advise a man to walk away and not fulfill his duties and to take responsibility for his actions....My opinions of course.

Another idea was to get full custody due to her and her BF having no jobs, and being on government assistance, along with a household where there are drugs. Also, I'd think it's be better to face it head on now rather than being served a court ordered DNA test and owing back child support...