It's been 1 and 1/2 years. I am still seething. I read of you betrayed spouses that have learned to have compassion for the pain their unfaithful spouses are going through? <P>HOW!!!!!!<P>I can't get to the point where I feel that my H deserves any compassion at all. I was in the same marriage as he was. I wasn't happy either. I wasn't cared for, NONE of my needs were being met, yet I wasn't unfaithful.<P>He made a choice and continued that choice for over a year. <P>That was something that floored me in the beginning. He expected sympathy from me for the guilt he had been living with. That was what he approached me with the first time he attempted to talk to me after I found out. There wasn't any "please forgive me" or "I'm so sorry". It was "Can you just imagine how hard it was to live with the guilt"? GOOD, I'M GLAD, do you realize how hard it is going to be to live the rest of my life? <P>He didn't realize that, he still doesn't. That is why I really don't care if we work it out.<P>We semi-made up last evening. He apologized for hurting me. Helped me with the house. Got drunk as a "sign of his pain" for me. I caved in and stopped the silent treatment and cold shoulder so of course the next morning I felt filthy and more angry than before.<P>He says I just refuse to see his pain. I still feel he needs to be in pain. <P>Am I just a hateful person, or is this a side effect of the insensitive way he handled things in the beginning and my tolerance that I feel came from codependency and taking all of the blame.

I think your feelings are normal. When I found out and my W would not confess- its just mnade me angrier. Not right- lovebusting the whole time. Now she can't beleive the turnaround- wanting to work it out, etc..<BR>Have you visited <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com?" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com?</A> It speaks of codependancy. You may find it useful.<BR>Maybe some time apart would help- let him work on his issues and you on yours.Not a seperation, but a "truce"? <P>Just my 2 pennies.<BR>take care.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> That is why I really don't care if we work it out.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that’s your clue... you <B>NEED</B> to care. If you don’t who will?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> He says I just refuse to see his pain. I still feel he needs to be in pain.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Again... you need to realize he DOES feel pain. It’s different from yours, and wholly of his own making, but that doesn’t make it any less painful for him.<P>No one would ever say you don’t have a right to be very <B>very</B> angry. But at some point, you have to decide whether you will continue to JUST be angry, or if you will harness that energy to make <I>yourself</I> a better person. That time frame lies within YOU. You can only change yourself and your own outlook on life and your marriage. But by interacting with those changes, he will change himself as well... he has no choice. <P>Action... reaction. If you act in a different way, the reaction will be different as well. No marriage was ever healed by the judicious application of hatred or anger.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

BOTL - I don't recall from your other posts whether you said you and your H are in couples counseling. But if not, these are exactly the kinds of issues it was designed to help you work through. If need be, nag your H into going. Tell him it can help him with his guilt. (And it will help you work through your bitterness too.)<P>BTW, I am not one of the "forgiving" betrayeds either. So far, this is because my W hasn't even confessed to her affair (3 years and counting) and continues to deny it when I know she is having one. I guarentee you that this "discovery" stage is just as difficult. Not only am I bitter, sometimes I think I'm going crazy. So you're definitely in good company. On the positive side of your situation, at least your H confessed his affair and feels guilty. I feel very optimistic that both of you can work through this situation and, ultimately, heal your marriage. (Think about what he would have to do to win your forgiveness and then, maybe, tell him.) Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

I can't think of anything he could do. I am just so very hurt. It scares me that I can still feel this way after 18 months.<P>I took Plan A to the extreme in the beginning. I listened to him talk about her and how hard it was for him. I let him hurt me over and over again and tried so hard to not do anything that could be a lovebuster. I did these things even though I didn't feel them. I just didn't want to lose him so I never made him work to keep from losing me.<P>I am now so ashamed of that and it just adds to my anger. I am angry with myself as well as him.<P>When we have a fight He always says he will go to councelling with me, but insists he doesn't need it. He's fine, completely over her, it, a changed man. When I calm down and we start having good days, then that's the end of it.<P>If I made the appointment he would go. Finding a time when he isn't working is going to be hard. I just can't bear the thought of him going with me so he can again play the knight in shining armor while I get straightened out. I have spoken to my preacher and he is helping me.<P>

BOTL, Counseling my dear, counseling...I can't say it enough..I posted on the results of last night's session...<P>Funny thing about how I got him there after waiting weeks for him to schedule something: I called her to schedule an appt for myself. She wasn't available and returned the call just as I was dressing after a shower and needing to get to my night class. "Oh, hon, could you talk to her for me? You know my schedule, I'll see her whenever she can take me, and, by the way, you can come if you want, but don't feel pressured."<P>The results are posted on my Update-counseling post.<P>Hugs, <P>Lizzie<BR>who is changing to <BR>POGP<P>His Pearl of Great Price<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Dear Bottom of the list,<BR>You are in an enviable position as compared to many of the people on this forum, but,honey, if you don't come to terms with your anger and bitterness, you may find yourself in a position more like those who wish they were in your shoes! From what I understand, the following points are true for you....<BR>1. the affair is over, really really over. There are so many here who wish they could say that.<BR>2. You are still living with your H. He is still living with you.<BR>3. You recognize that your marriage was lacking in need fulfillment for BOTH of you prior to and during the affair. <BR>4. Your H wants to stay with you, but seems clueless to some extent as to what changes HE can make to increase the happiness in your marriage.<BR>There are probably more "truths" you can add to this list to consider.<P>Here is my take on the situation. What actually happened with me... My H has very few very close friends. His occupation prevents him having the same comrades for more than a few trips in a row, and those he does fly with do not live in the same town to enable him/us to socialize with them during off time. He is from a foreign country and his attitudes and ideas differ somewhat from most of the people we hang with in this small town. There are other reasons, too many to go into, that he feels isolated from most people. When he met the OW, she was much in the same situation as he. A foreigner new to the country, needs not being met sufficiently in her marriage, and free to play in places where I could not be. Thinking of my H as a friend, rather than my H, lover, and "soulmate", it was easy for me to see how important the OW became to him. It hurt like hell that he felt a need for her that I was not meeting, but I could understand why he enjoyed the relationship. Did not make me like her, or want to tell him to "keep us both" but I did understand. I also felt very sorry that circumstances made it impossible for him to keep her as a friend after discovery. We both cried and hugged each other when we, together, mailed the package containing pictures and love letters, back to her. His affair lasted 2+ years and I remember vividly how he was neglecting and sometimes verbally abusing me and the kids during that time, but two years is but a drop in the bucket when considered over the long haul. <BR>I was not happy prior to discovery or even prior to the beginning of his affair, and wonder how I would have reacted if some tall dark and handsome someone had paid extrodinary attention to me during that time. I was certainly lonesome enough to have succumb to such attentions at times. I can forgive my H because I can put myself in his shoes to a great extent. Another reason I can forgive, never forget, but forgive, is because to NOT forgive would serve absolutely no purpose if my goal is to save and rebuild my marriage into something more viable, lovable and enduring. <BR>How I have managed is by simply making the decision that my marriage is the most important thing in my life. <BR>We, as creatures of God's love, are not meant to live our lifes from ANY OTHER place than that of LOVE. Our egos get in the way of relating to life from that perspective. Our pride gets in the way. All the negative emotions we feel, anger, pain, resentment, etc. are products of our egos'efforts to be in control of things over which we have no control. The miracle of the situation is that the one area over which we have control is our own mind set. We are capable of making mind set changes. God gave that gift to each of us. Dig deep and find that place in your soul from which love radiates and let your actions, reactions and thoughts funnel through there first. <BR>Your marriage is in more danger now than in the midst of his affair, when you knew nothing about it, because you are expecting the wrong kind of miracles. You have no control, none, over your H's thoughts or actions and can only expect disappointment if you are putting contengencies on how and when YOU will relate to him positively. He can no more know your pain than you can his! The miracles are within you and the changes YOU can make. Forgive him and act toward him with the love and dedication that you want from him and the miracles can begin. I promise. It is not your place to punish him unless your goal is to dissolve the marriage. <BR>I hope this does not offend or put you off. I really think this way! Ask anybody. At least give this idea some consideration.<P>Good Luck.<P>Beth <BR>