After thinking back on it, it was certainly a little bit of both. She sees throught it as well and chalks it up as another manipulation attempt by me.

This is very hard, but I am learning to recognize when I become anxious and react out of fear.

The hardest part of this was listening to someone who sounds nothing like the wife I know. It just indicates how deep the pain reaches for her.

I now have some understanding of what it feels like to walk on eggshells. At this present moment I have no desire to have a converstation or any communication with my wife for fear of where it could go. But I suppose not communicating wouldn't exactly help things move along, now would it?

Getting tested in the area of discipline often lately. I feel as though I pass most of the time. However, when find myself failing there is not as much damage as there could be in times past. I'm thankful for that as I can't afford to push my W any further away. It really helps to have good male friends that I can call or text to reassure me that I remain focused.

On today my DS (5 yrs) told me something that hurt me to the bone. He said I really wish that we could all be in our old house because it was fun...but mommy took us away. I tearing up now as I type this. I sooo wanted to pick-up the phone at that moments (and moments since) and let my W know what he said and how we need to make it right! But I didn't...I sucked up my tears, hugged my son a little tighter and went on about enjoying the few hours remaining during my visitation schedule with our babies.

I took my DS and DD back to my W's place. She seemed somewhat upbeat. She asked how I was doing....felt sincere. She gave me back disc 1 of 5 of The Bible Series that I loaned her. I went back around the corner to get the other discs for her and gave her our "nicer" waste basket from our old home. She appreciated that. My DS was very clingy and I lingered around for a moment then I heard her say "Okaay" ...as in my time is up. I took the hint and made my way out the door.

Closing on house Thursday. We have to bring a good amount of cash to closing. I don't beleive my W has $ other than borrowing. I mentioned that I would send her half the $ needed to close and she could wire or bring cashier's check. Again I don't think she has $ because sent me a text saying we need to talk about the closing..and she thought we were receiving a break on the agent's commission. The agent acutally told me this and has since went back on his word. No biggie in my opinion...just want to cut losses and get it sold (UNLESS GOD WORKS A MIRACLE THAT WE SHOULD RETURN...I'M FOR THAT!) Question is...do I scrape up the money (credit cards, unsecured loans, fork over some of my extra safety cash (still not enough to cover)...does my assuming she will come up with 1/2 the funds cause LB withdrawals? I wanted to lease out the house. She said no. Could have easily been a source of income. What to do?

Well... the closing went as planned. My W brought have the money to cover closing costs. Before went went to the meeting room to sign docs, she showed me a greeting card her dad sent her saying thank you for all her support and encouragement. It was awesome. She was quite emotional in a good way. As we were completing the signature process I happened to glance at her left hand...and low and behold...SHE WAS WEARING HER 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY BAND!!...on her RING FINGER! I spoke to my attorney the day before to update on the home sale. She advised that she has recently spoken with my W's attorney and there has been no contact whatsoever. Both my W's attorney and mine agreed they wanted to remain neutral and make no contact to allow us to potentially work things out. It's almost as if they are both rooting for us. Strange...but welcomed. I am certainly sensing her heart softening a bit. She sends texts often with pics of the kiddos at school and at home. She's more open to my coming and going to and from her place to run errands outside the normal scope of child visitation. No negative converation since I last reported a week or two ago. I've peeked at her FB account through my church's member page and noticed she is "liking" a WHOLE lot of PRO-marriage posts. *deep sigh* ...there seems to be life. Staying the course!

Hey that's good news! Seems as though your plan A is getting through to her. Maybe you might want to gift her Surviving an Affair now?

A very wise woman (Pepperband) gave me the advice below about 17 pages into my original post. Today after reading your last post I felt compelled to look back at the advice and share it with you. It is about patience vs. perseverance.

I know you talk a lot about learning to be patient (I did as well). Pep, gave me this advice exactly when I needed it and I think now is the time that you need it.

"Patience is the ability to tolerate delay. It seems pretty passive. Waiting."

"How about looking at your perseverance instead of patience?
Perseverance is the continuation on a course of action even in the face of difficulty. Determination of follow through. When you give yourself something to work on, I think working on an action is better than working on waiting."


I hope it helps you as much as it helped me

Thanks BetrayedP - Actually, I am somewhat hesitant about bringing up any MB materials. She knows about them all. We began to read SA together before the separation. She'd checked out by that point. I just don't want to do anything to hurt momentum. I think she would receive it as "here we go again, he's trying to manipulate me into doing things his way". I think there needs to be a little more progress until I introduce SA. Perhaps it's a bit of paranoia on my part.

Yes, Pepperband had injected enough wisdom in this thread to last quite a while. She actually told me a few pages back instead of practicing patience to be use this time to learn discipline(aka...grow up, stop whining, and acting like a spoiled, lazy little boy). She insisted that patience is waaay to passive for me. I think perseverance is moreso what I have been doing the last couple of weeks. Quite honestly, I have been close to mute as it relates to my W. It seems this has worked more effectively than any word I have spoken to date. Therefore, I almost prefer to continue to say nothing and allow her all the space and time she needs. I've been keeping myself busy fellowshipping with a couple new male friends and my old circle of buddies. I continue to work out, decorating my new place has been cool. And of course, I love spending time with our babies. Things have been pleasant and peaceful for me. It feels as though we both needed this separation to work on ourselves, reboot, and re-approach life. I have some other personal goals in mind as well that will require POJA. It involves prolonged travel for work. I know this is a NO-NO in the MB world. But, it may be something we enthusiastically agree to pursue because the additional pay will allow me to pay for a Master's degree that she has yet to complete. Stay tuned!

Setback today. After parent teacher conference this morning (wearing no ring) I tried to escape what felt was an akward meeting. I didn't say much of anything during. My W ask me what I thought about it and simply replied that I need to think and pray on it. She then insisted that I at least tell her my initial thoughts. I began to explain how I felt like our DS was acting out in response to our seperation. I said I felt we need to be on the same page about the details of our discpline and messages he is receiving and make sure we have a safe enviroment for him. She interjected that there is no "we" or "us" so I don't know what you mean. This seemed to come out of nowhere. I dropped my jaws and with a confused "huh"? she then goes on about how I need to understand where we are headed and same old rants that I've heard time and again. She asks the age old question "Don't you understand we are going through a divorce?" I replied sorry, I am not going through a divorce. She asks so what are you doing? I calmly and stated..."well, I am beleiving God for the restoration of our family". That sent her into a tailspin, saying this is about our son and I am in a totally different place and then she gets into her car, stating that she didn't want to talk (THAT WAS MY WHOLE POINT OF SAYING I WILL THINK ON IT AND PRAY...TO AVOID TALKING!!) I sent her a text saying such. At that moment I was tempted to take off my ring but couldn't bring myself to do it. I reached out to a couple of brothers for pryaer. They repsonded and a couple actually called to pray with me...(one I didn't text...he just called unpromtped). Though I feel it was a test of my faith (de ja vu..as I type this) it was very unnerving considering what I thought was progress. Not sure what is to come next.

Dear freinds I am releasing her. Because I love her I disclosed my transgressions. And now, I love her enough that I must give her what she is asking for. However, I do so with the attitude of hope. Pray that God keeps me in peace as I go through the process.

To investigate or not? That is the question. My oldest son lost his phone and on today I asked my wife if I could have back the IPhone she no longer uses. This phone was originally my phone and she received another Iphone when she transfered her line to a different carrier. (clue #1) Her reponse was at first silence...then no... no... I can't do that. Natually I ask "why is that?" She said "I have things on there...no... I can't". I go through some logical solutions such as syncing the phone, clearing it, and transfering the info to her new IPhone. She simply responds...well I don't know. I haven't synced it yet. I say ok, if you need help with syncing let me know... it would be very helpful as I don't want to pay $ for a new phone from ATT, on top the $250 cancellation fee I already paid... yada, yada... Obviously her need to conceal some form of "information" raises my suspicion to a new level. I am starting to piece some behaviors together from months ago thay may indicate her heart being elsewhere. I have been told she is also avoiding talking to very good friends of ours who are "reaching out" to see how we are doing. These are wives of couples we have loved and respected.

Do I have a right to investigate? Is it worth the effort? She is deadset on D...we have a meeting about mediation with a counselor on Monday. Any suggestions?

She's still your wife and so why wouldn't you have the right? If you don't investigate would you always "wonder"?

Thanks brainhurts. I guess you are right. I am the original wayward, so I thought my motives would be in question. But I suppose 2 wrongs don't make a right in any case. Well, investigating I go...

With my suspicions that her potential EA (PA doubted) is occurring during business hours should I begin with her boss? I am sure she is aware of our separation. I have contact information for her I have her boss' mobile phone and email. She is a very close friend (sorority sister) who , confidant, and mentor to her. She and her husband often attended outings with us. I don't believe her boss would be aiding her in any indiscretions. I could potentially ask if she offer any advice or be on alert for the sake of our family. I just do not know how the message should be communicated.

Before any exposure, you need to get proof of the affair. Can you do this?

I agree, DNT. You need to get evidence first.

I'm not in any position to expose as I have no proof. I am looking for proof at this stage of the game. I believe the proof would be found in the phone texts and work emails. Perhaps she has another personal email established as well. I still have access to her personal hotmail account. She left her iPad when she moved out and the email account is still active. On Thursday she sent an email to herself of a "headshot" only pic. She's "LIKING" a lot of singles posts on FB. She changed her password on FB. I could actually change it using the lost password feature since I still have access the hotmail account. Of course that would alarm and alert her that someone is tampering with her account (ME!!) and that I am snooping.

She has been iron clad secretive for several months now. It's going to be quite a challenge.

It just occurred to me... she could also be reading this forum. I bought a copy of SA that was delivered on Tueday. She called me around the time I know she goes to the mailbox. She did the same thing when I ordered one of our favorite movies when it arrived. She knows I believe in the MB program and she could be tipped off if she hasn't already been

I am confused. On June 13, 2013 you posted the following, "Dear freinds I am releasing her. Because I love her I disclosed my transgressions. And now, I love her enough that I must give her what she is asking for. However, I do so with the attitude of hope. Pray that God keeps me in peace as I go through the process."

As I am a BS also at the point of "letting go," I do not see why you would even want to investigate your W, let alone hire a PI at this time. What would be the point? You are not in reconciliation, you are in the process of a D. I fully empathize with you that you would prefer to be in an R than a D, but your posts indicate that your wife currently wants a divorce. Are you in Plan B or Plan A at this time? It looks like you are following that destructive path of being a little in both. Although truth be told, I have been in and out of both for the past 14 months and I know it is basically no strategy. Anyway, since you are definitely separated from your W and therefore have successfully completed what I find to be the most difficult part of Plan B, please consider having no contact whatsoever with your W, except STRICTLY as it pertains to the children, unless and until she comes back and requests that you two work things out. IMHO, that is what it means to let go, so no need for PIs or investigations.
Best of luck!

This is pretty much where I am. I didn't pursue investigating much further. We have attended mediation to work out a parenting plan and we have pre-trial court in the AM, which I expect to finalize the financial stuff. I was in Plan A as I was reading into the mixed messages reflected on her "pro-marriage" FB activity. It was just that...mixed messages. Into Plan B I go.

Why would you go into Plan B?