I have one more week to go until I return home. I spoke to my w last night. The conversation went very well. No lovebusting from either of us. I told her I couldn't wait to see her and she said the same. Thing is she is still moved out of our home. I'm going crazy because I don't know what to believe from her anymore. She calls me last week crying and apologizing for what she has done... I accepted her apologies. Told her I forgave her for them. (I forgave her a few weeks ago for my sake) I asked her if she was in love with me...she said the answer is definately not no, but... Last nights conversation she was much more emotionally level and I didn't get any signs that she wants to even try. She is off tomorrow through next Tuesday and I'm freaking out thinking that she will be seeing the om. I don't even know if she is still seeing him. I haven't asked. I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid she will lie. I'm afraid she lied about how she could not say "no, I'm not in love with you..." just to keep from hurting me more. She knows how hurt I am and I'm afraid she is just trying to be nice now. This roller coaster from hell STINKS!!! I've sent flowers, cards, I tell her I love her every time we communicate. She says she loves me too. She rarely initiates communication with me. She didn't even acknowledge the card I sent her last week yet. I'm not trying to keep score, but it would be nice to hear that she got the card. Sometimes I wonder if she is doing this to see how far she can push me to change my behavior (neglectful). I don't ever want to know if that is what is going on. She had a very manipulative mother and it wouldn't surprise me if she was trying to manipulate me... God, my emotions are all over the place today! I just want her to come home and for us to get counselling together. My heart is breaking apart now. Bye

britn, you are having a difficult time right now because it's the famous "limbo" stage. You know they tell you that they went into the affair because you weren't meeting their needs, but then you try and they don't want it. I did everything I could to make up to my H what I though I had lacked in. But you know that isn't the issue, because they give reason why they are having an affair in order for it to be ok in their minds. My H said some pretty awful things to me, things I had done wrong.....and I just took it and took it, but what he was saying wasn't totally true. I was not bad, I'm sure I had failed him on occassion just as he had done to me. There were times that my H would seem remorseful and want to stay, but then the next time it was all different. Maybe while your wife is off of work you could take her to lunch or dinner. Nothing heavy, just have a good time. Unfortunately the affair never ends until one of them is ready, alot of times its when its too late. Hang in there, but realize that it is not all of your fault ok?

I know it's not all my fault. I'm just in a terribly emotional state right now. Crying while I type this out. She will be back at work by the time I get home. The only thing I have to look forward to is a date we set for September 4th. I just want her to come home. She is the most important person in my life. I keep beating myself up for my neglect... It hurts like hell.

Just know that you are not alone. There are lots of us here that are in the same place as you right now. I guess the best thing we can do is to just be here for eachother.<P> Jill

I know this is difficult. I am right where you are now. I've cried almost all day today. Everytime I post, I get all choked up. Just remember that you have friends here, that you are not alone. We feel your pain. We cry right along with you. This really does stink!

talk about cry, I know I could have filled a bath tub with the amount that I cried. Have you started counseling alone? That was the best thing I ever did, I finally found out that I was ok, don't beat yourself up over the "neglect". We all make mistakes in our marriage, that's probably the best thing that came out of this whole thing for us. Realizing that you can't take anything for granted. If we disagree now, we sit and discuss it until we can agree. No more ignoring the other person or going to bed mad at each other. Looking back now, I feel sorry for the person I was, there were days I didn't think I could go on. Would even pray just to breath one more minute, the pain is overwhelming.....I know. I never thought my heart could ache the way it did. One thing that helped me was a journal. I would write my feelings and sob the whole time. But when we were in the process of healing my H read my journal. It was one way for him to see the pain he caused. I know trying to explain to someone else the feeling that you have right now is impossible, the good news is here in this forum, all of us have or are going through this. I'm praying for you!

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It's not fair to be hurt like this. I'm holding onto the the fact that everyone keeps telling me that time will help me heal. Keep posting on these bad days and know that we all care about you. Your w is about where my h is right now. She has to lie and justify, to protect herself. It's not fair to you or your marriage, but there it is. We are all guilty of some sort of neglect in our marriages, I guess, but we don't deserve this pain. I wish I could say something more, having a kinda bad day myself. Just remember, everyone's here for you and we will get through this.<P>Lori

Yes the pain is overwhelming. I haven't cried this much in my life. There is a big battle going on between my giver and taker right now. My taker comes up with some pretty hurtful things. At least I've been able to keep him at bay when w and I do communicate. Last night I told her that I like roller coasters but not this one. She said yeah, me too. She said she felt like she was on a roller coaster too. I have to remember that she is hurting from this as well as the hurts before she started the affair. I also have to believe she is being honest with me when she tells me she loves me. It's the only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope. If I could only know what she is doing while I'm so far away, if she is still seeing the om... I want to know but I also don't want to know. I never was the jealous type with her. Ever. I trusted her blindly. She seemed so devoted to our relationship for all of these years... but I can say that the image of her with someone else makes me crazy. <P>I have been seeing a therapist here. First thing I'm going to do when I return home is find another one. I hope that the new one would want to have a session with her alone so he or she can get both sides. Regardless of what our outcome is, I need to understand this mess. She hasn't agreed to couples counseling but maybe she would agree to a one on one session without me.