Hello,
I have been a lurker for awhile. Please bear with me as I am not really sure where to start, and have a hard time describing what I feel and think. At SugarCane's suggestion, I'm going to post my situation and hopefully get others' perspective. At this time, I am uncertain about what I want to do, although I hate the thought of giving up on 30 years of marriage. We have a lot of history together.

First, some background information. We have been married almost 30 years. Our children are grown and on their own.

Our marriage had been rocky, during the first 7-8 years of marriage. The last few years have been better, however I have come to realize he does not even begin to meet my needs. He is self-centered, cold-hearted and expects me to be a perfect, doting wife. I have strived to be the wife he wants. I try to meet his needs cheerfully and know what they are. We both work and have good careers. Over the years I have become very handy and can take care of most of what needs to be done around the house etc.

He had several affairs in the early years of our marriage (EA and PA); which in turn has caused me to not trust him. I have some snooping methods in place. I have full access to our cell account, and have gps tracking in place.

Have not discovered anything unusual or glaring yet. What has caused me to become suspicious is that since his most recent job out of town, he has been drinking more than usual in the hotel bar and then Saturday night would not answer his phone when I called. He says he was drinking with co-workers, had too much and passed out. Perhaps, however his past behavior causes me concern and I don't believe his explanation. He does not use a computer so nothing to verify there. I am considering hiring a PI, or maybe contacting the Harleys for counseling for me. H won't do counseling.

Did I mention he is an alcoholic? (I guess I probably didn't need to, eh?). He drinks every day. He normally doesn't go to bars; when he's home he drinks at home or when traveling he drinks in his hotel room. Many times he drinks until he passes out, especially on the weekends. Whatever. Now you know why I am SoooFedUp. Also, I went to Al-Anon for a long time. I didn't really help me.

There have been times in the past when he was gone for 3-6 weeks at a time, then home for a week or so. More recently he would have to work out of town during the week then be home on weekends. He was in one location for about 8 months on that schedule in 2010 -- I suspect an EA during that time period but could not find proof. When that job ended he worked locally for the most part the last 2 years. He recently was sent across the country to work and does not come home on weekends. When he's gone he does call often and states he misses home. It would be nice if he said he missed me!

Perhaps my insecurity over his recent behavior stems from events from the past, and I am terrified of being hurt like that again. In no way do I ever want to go through what I went through during the early years of our marriage.

My heart goes out to all of those who are dealing with infidelity and the indescribable pain that goes with it.

I have become depressed as of late; really don't know how to describe what's going on in my head and heart, other than a gut feeling that something is not right. If I do discover something going on I will do an immediate plan B. I think I have already done 30 years of Plan A.

Welcome to MB and so sorry for your pain.

Have you hired a PI?

Will he stop his drinking? Have you been tested for STDs?

Do your children know?

Also please read.
Traveling Jobs

Have you seen these?
What to do with an Alcoholic Spouse.

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

thanks so much brain hurts!
I will try to answer your questions.

you hired a PI? not yet but have emailed a couple in they area where he's working to get quotes.

Will he stop his drinking? No he won't. Ive given up asking him to many years ago.

Have you been tested for STDs? I'm not sure. I've been to the Dr and gyn and was told all was fine.

the kids know he was unfaithful in the past but don't know all the details. we almost divorced over his past affairs.

yes I have read those articles a couple times. I am thinking about making an appt with the Harleys.

when I called my husband tonite he was in the hotel bar again. he was rather ugly on the phone, could be the alcohol talking. at least he answered this time. I could hear a female voice in the background, he says it was the bartender. I stated, I didn't feel comfortable with him hanging out there . I guess that's why he was ugly on the phone. he has been different this trip, saying mean things and I end up crying. what a mess.

thank you again for your posts

soofedup, unfortunately there is very little you can do until he stops drinking. If I were you, I would go into Plan B and make it a condition that he stop drinking and get a non traveling job and commit to your marriage. You don't have a marriage otherwise. If he won't sober up and find a new job within 2 years, you would be better off divorced.

I would file for divorce so you get legal protection.

A bad history is not a good reason to have a bad future. A bad history is a good reason to make changes!

SFU,

Were his past affairs with Married Women and did you ever inform the husbands of those women? Please do those betray husbands a favor.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks Melody Lane, I am considering Plan B. There are a few things I need to take care of first, such as find an atty and remove my name from any of his credit cards. I also spoke with a PI today; I'm not sure he's the right one as his fee is quite high. He seemed reputable though. I'm working on a plan of action and will post here for review before I do anything. I know I cannot make him stop drinking or control his behavior, and need to get back into a regimen of not allowing it to bother me.

Hi Gamma,
Thank you for your post. A couple were married women and yes the husbands were informed. In fact the longest in EA/PA affair, her husband contacted me and and told me which is how I found out about it. These were several years ago, about 11 years. My H was afraid of him for awhile.

I am also considering counseling with the MB counseling center. Was not able to get through to them today. I will try again tomorrow morning. My H won't do counseling but I want to speak with them for me.

There is so much good information on this website it is mind boggling.

I am so sad. Had a really rough day. Whether he is in an A or not, I need to know.

How is your support system? Can you get into see your doctor?

How to Plan B Correctly

Thanks BH,
I am reading the 'How to Plan B Correctly' articles tonight.

My support system is ok, daughter is a wonderful supportive person. I've got Dr appt for Monday.

Still working on my plan and reading as much as possible tonight.

I can relate to the meaning of your screen name!

I'm glad you have a good support system.

We are here for you and will help you get a strong plan together, friend.

Good girl!!



It won't bother you one bit if you are in Plan B! That is for sure. But most sober alcoholics got that way because someone FORCED them to get sober. They sobered up at the point of someone's gun. A judge, police, employer, spouse, jail, etc. So I would make that a condition in your Plan B letter that he not even think of contacting you until he gets sober and agrees to NEVER EVER drink again. That should be a deal breaker. Because you don't have a marriage otherwise. You don't have a marriage now, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If he doesn't sober up, you will be much better off without him.

Thanks BH! I really appreciate your kind words and support.

ML, You're so right it won't bother me in Plan B because there will be no contact whatsoever. I can see where it will take a devastating event in his life for him to stop. And yes, I most definitely will include a 'no contact' provision in the PBL for the other A -- alcohol.

Here is what I have so far:

My Plan

1) Find a PI. -- close to finalizing

2) Find an attorney, meet with attorney

3) Empty joint bank accounts -- done today

4) Remove H name from my credit card, remove my name from his credit cards

5) Create exposure letters, have them ready to send to all H family, friends, employer, pertinent co-workers, my family members

6) Write Plan B letter. Keep until after PI results are determined. Plan B letter will include ending A, no contact for life, no bars for life, quitting drinking, and counseling with the Harleys.

7) Send money to PI. Once survelliance is done it will determine the next step

8) Have meeting with children to explain what is going on and provide additional details of his past A's.

9) If PI does not find an A, work on setting up alcohol intervention. Revise Plan B letter?

10) If PI finds A in progress, change locks and security passcodes, execute DARK Plan B, file for Divorce. Atty can be IM.

I'm open to suggestions and changes :-)

You have a super plan!! The only thing I would add as a condition is that he find a job where he is home EVERY NIGHT and never spends the night apart from you.

I would just send him the Plan B letter regardless and make it a condition that he quit drinking for life and seek some program of treatment that is approved by you both.

I thought I would give an update. H came home for the holiday. He acted normal for the most part. Before he came home, I decided to Plan A him while he was here. I cooked his favorite meals, was sweet, loving, and kind to him the whole time, and did everything I could think of to make his visit a happy, welcoming one. His last impression of home should be a good one.

I've got numbers 1 - 5 done on my list, except the atty; still meeting with them to find a good one. I'm working on the Plan B letter this week, and will engage the PI before next weekend.

I'm still in the unknown area if there is someone else or not. He swears there is not, but then he would never admit it anyway. For my own peace of mind, I have made an appt with Steve Harley. I am anxious to get his opinion. I guess what bothers me the most is the independent behavior my H exhibits all the time.

You earlier posted that you attended alanon but didn't find any benefit.

Did you work the program?

My alcoholic mother in law lived with us for a third of our ten year marriage (now divorced).

It's a crazy way to live and separation along with alanon will help you

Yes, I actively attended al-anon meetings and did the program although it was quite some time ago. And yes, it is a crazy way to live; very difficult and emotionally draining. I gave up trying to 'get' him to stop drinking a long time ago. Words don't have an impact.

When he is sober, he is a decent husband. The bad part is that doesn't happen very often.

First, please let me apologize for this post as I just need someone to talk to.

I have had a rough few days, can't stop crying and am so deeply depressed I am not functioning. H is still out of town at the same place. I still don't know if he is having an affair or not. He still drinks in the bar every night, but has started answering his phone when I call, until last night he wouldn't answer until after midnight. I have been awake all night, thoughts racing, wondering what is going to happen, how I will ever get over this, etc.

I went to visit him last weekend. We had a good time together, and he appeared happy to have me there. I checked his phone and didn't find texts but he could have deleted them. When I left he hugged me tight and said I love you over and over. After I got home, his drinking escalated.

I met with Steve Harley two weeks ago. He advised me to ask H to speak with him. So far H has refused. Steve said I am constantly triggered of H's past affairs every time he goes to a bar, and my H's independent behavior and out of town job is the root issue. He thinks I will snap and lose it soon as I have held back all my emotions for many, many years. Steve said I should write H a letter, asking him if he is willing to commit to the marriage. I have tried several times to write that letter, but it never sounds right. I plan to contact Steve Harley this week for another appointment and help with the letter. He didn't recommend a Plan B letter as much as a modified love letter.

What really bothers me is that H beats around the bush when I ask him when he will be coming home. He says 'when I get this job done'; I understand that but I can't imagine a construction job would not have a time line and a completion date. I don't know if I will make it until he comes back.

I have contacted my doctor's office to get my anti-depressants rx refilled. Maybe that will help.

I feel like I have wasted over half my life loving someone who is incapable of loving me back.

Thanks for listening.