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Joined: Jul 2013
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I had a 6-7 month affair on my then pregnant wife. I was texting OW during our time at the hospital. Despite my desires to end the affair shortly after it started, I didn't.
My wife discovered the affair Monday. We have been on a roller coaster since, settling on what looks to be separation.
What now?
I want to keep this marriage...
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Joined: Jul 2013
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I wanted to provide more context, but have a 6mo old who was hungry.
I know I have been more than an idiot and fool, but I want nothing more than to keep my family together.
I need help as I don't know what to do anymore.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,446 Likes: 4
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Welcome to MB.
Who was this OW? Is she married?
Have you answered ALL your BW's questions about her affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
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Hi Jr, Welcome to Marriage Builders. Not a fun place to find you need but the best place in the world to be, considering your circumstances. First, please read the thread at the top of this forum Start Here Read all the info on that thread and read all the links. It will help to explain some of the information & advice you'll be receiving. And a few questions to get started.. Ages of you & your W and how long married? How many kids? How long was the affair and how did you meet the OW? How did your W discover the affair? Have you been completely honest with her? Are you & your W still living in the same home together? jr, it's the weekend so the forums are kind of slow. Respond & answer those that post to you and you'll continue to get more help.
Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Hi, Jr.
Have you ended the affair and cut off all contact with the other woman?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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I wanted to provide more context, but have a 6mo old who was hungry.
I know I have been more than an idiot and fool, but I want nothing more than to keep my family together.
I need help as I don't know what to do anymore. jr, welcome. I don't want to be a mean person, but be clear on this: your wife is currently lying on the floor, bleeding and bruised from wounds inflicted by YOUR actions. I want you to understand that. You will never do anything worse to her than what you have done. It may well be the worst experience of her life. She's going to have to depend on YOU, the person who attacked her, to also help her heal. That's a lot to expect from someone who trusted you and had her trust destroyed. I'm telling you this so you have a sense of what she is going through right now. You have a hard road ahead of you and you will need to be very committed to helping her heal if you want to heal your marriage. It is encouraging to me to see your remorse, and I hope that isn't a reflection of your new fatherhood, but a commitment to the woman who gave birth to your child. If you are committed to recovery we will be your biggest supporters. Will your wife come here to post? We can help her. Please tell her I'd like her to come.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Posts: 22 |
Welcome to MB.
Who was this OW? Is she married?
Have you answered ALL your BW's questions about her affair? I work with her. I spent several days answering any question, which just caused my wife to rage more. 
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Do you still work with her?
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Hi Jr, Welcome to Marriage Builders. Not a fun place to find you need but the best place in the world to be, considering your circumstances. First, please read the thread at the top of this forum Start Here Read all the info on that thread and read all the links. It will help to explain some of the information & advice you'll be receiving. And a few questions to get started.. Ages of you & your W and how long married? How many kids? How long was the affair and how did you meet the OW? How did your W discover the affair? Have you been completely honest with her? Are you & your W still living in the same home together? jr, it's the weekend so the forums are kind of slow. Respond & answer those that post to you and you'll continue to get more help. Ages of you & your W and how long married? 36 (me), 29 (her). How many kids? Two boys, 26mo & 6mo How long was the affair and how did you meet the OW? ~6-7 months physical, another month or so emotional. We met at work. How did your W discover the affair? She found my text/emails aggregates on a laptop I left open at home. I had been struggling with how to end/communicate it (I even was working on setting up emotionally focused therapy). I hadn't ended it yet. Have you been completely honest with her? Ever since she discovered it, yes. She doesn't believe me, with good cause. Are you & your W still living in the same home together? Yes. I am living in the basement. My W considers that apropos since OW was brought here a couple of times and that is where we went.
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Hi, Jr.
Have you ended the affair and cut off all contact with the other woman? Yes. Abruptly. I haven't even gone back to work, but have confided in a coworker to help ensure she and I are never alone. I go back Monday.
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Is your OW married? Do you still work with her?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
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Posts: 22 |
I wanted to provide more context, but have a 6mo old who was hungry.
I know I have been more than an idiot and fool, but I want nothing more than to keep my family together.
I need help as I don't know what to do anymore. jr, welcome. I don't want to be a mean person, but be clear on this: your wife is currently lying on the floor, bleeding and bruised from wounds inflicted by YOUR actions. I want you to understand that. You will never do anything worse to her than what you have done. It may well be the worst experience of her life. She's going to have to depend on YOU, the person who attacked her, to also help her heal. That's a lot to expect from someone who trusted you and had her trust destroyed. I'm telling you this so you have a sense of what she is going through right now. You have a hard road ahead of you and you will need to be very committed to helping her heal if you want to heal your marriage. It is encouraging to me to see your remorse, and I hope that isn't a reflection of your new fatherhood, but a commitment to the woman who gave birth to your child. If you are committed to recovery we will be your biggest supporters. Will your wife come here to post? We can help her. Please tell her I'd like her to come. Thank you for your candor. I sent her a link. I do not know if she will visit. I will give this my all, but recognize it isn't up to me. I still love her and am 100% committed if she will give me the time of day.
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Is your OW married? Do you still work with her? She is recently divorced. Yes, I work with her. I am looking for a new job.
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Joined: Jul 2013
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I need to reiterate/acknowledge a few points that are particularly painful for her... Texts while she was at the hospital, delivering our child. Inviting OW into our home and to activities with our family. I was beyond selfish. No excuses. I want a chance to keep this family together, but I don't know ...
Last edited by jrmountains; 07/13/13 08:10 PM.
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[... I still love her and am 100% committed if she will give me the time of day.
Change your phone numbers. All of them.
Change the address of any e-mail account that you used to communicate with her. If you used a secret account to communicate with her, close it. If you used a secret cell phone, drive over it with your car & drop it in a river.
Tell her the whole truth with no obfuscation, no shading, no bull****ting. She asks, you answer.
Quit the job. Don't go there again, don't see her again.
If you haven't done a no-contact letter (see models on this site), do it.
You're probably gonna need to look for a new house too, in order for your wife to be able to heal without being constantly triggered, although it may take her time to come around to that.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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In addition to GO's excellent advice here is the NC letter. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, XXXXX
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 22 |
In addition to GO's excellent advice here is the NC letter. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship. Sincerely, XXXXX Thank you for the good advice... Any and all other suggestions welcome. I will work on this now.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,446 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,446 Likes: 4 |
Did you see GO's post about changing all your contact information?
What about quitting your job?
Have you written out a timeline for your BW?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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