To minimize the initial pain of the divorce. Should I not?

I do not think that would be Dr Harley's advice to you at all if you would still like to win your W back.

Susie is right - Dr. Harley usually suggests that a man pull out all the stops to get his marriage back. If it's going to be painful, he often recommends antidepressants.

Dr. Harley specifically told me to Plan A until divorce then Plan B. Plan A marathon is usually recommended for men because women have too many health risks from the stress of it.

Well...wow! Ok. I really appreciate the feedback. I certainly would like to win her back. We are scheduled for trial in September to my dismay...we spent hours and a few hundred dollars last week mediating a child visitation plan and her attorney decided to undo what we agreed to on the day of court Monday. He's a slimeball and the judge was NOT happy with either of them. This guy is blatantly taking advantage of her. I was intending to have a discussion with her within the next 24-48 hours to offer mediation in order settle as amicably as possible. I was going to suggest we terminate our attorneys and move forward outside of a nasty court battle. That's what she last asked for and I wanted to honor her wishes.

So is this a discussion that should occur in hopes of executing Plan A? Or do I just ride this thing out until September and go full on Plan A in hopes she changes her mind and heart?

DNT,

Been catching up on your page. First of all I would put the statement above on hold until the D papers are signed. Until you and your wife are Divorced IMPO I think you should keep fighting for her.

Your affair was bad and if she wants to divorce you because of it then she has the right. She does not have the right to push for divorce to justify her own affair. I am not saying this is the case but with the clues that you have already uncovered it may be the true motivation behind her push for divorce.

Even if you guys are separated, if she is involved with someone else, it is not right, especially for your children. I encourage you to investigate and continue to the bitter end to fight for your wife even if she does not want you to. Once you are divorced then you can repeat the statement below and continue to work on you.

Something else that bothered me. In your post about the parent teacher conference you stated that your wife said there is no "we" or "us" when it comes to your children. Whether you guys are together or not, there should always be a "we" when raising your children.

Very often a wife will stay with a husband through all kinds of neglect and abuse and even affairs, and will only leave when she has somewhere else to go, i.e., an affair of her own.

The tide seems to have turned a bit. My W has traveled out of town to attend funerals of very close friends and relatives 3 of the last 4 weekends so I have spent quite a bit of time with our children. As she returned from the last funeral on Sunday our DS (5) was really struggling with allergies and I actually had to call paramedics out for a breathing treatment. I did not have his nebulizer due to the shuffle of our moving out of the home. It was a scary, fun (he says), emotional, bonding experience for he and I. Not that we weren't already close but he really became attached after this experience. My W returned a couple hours later from her trip and come directly to my place to render another breathing treatment. I believe she noticed his behavior toward me as well. Long story short...she spent most the evening at my place with our kiddos. We talked about the funeral, her family, God moving in their lives. I told her about a super men's conference that I attended that same weekend. I attended with the husband of very good friends ours while his wife kept our kiddos. She was very open to my sharing and moved by some the stories, messages, and testimonies that I experienced there. We had family dinner together for the first time in months...which was great! (I'm a pretty good cook:)After she left we talked a little more over the phone about the children. She called back a 3rd time and we did Factime on our Iphones before the kids went to bed.

The following day(Monday) she texts me to let me know the time of our DS doctor's appointment. I replied "see you there" to which she said "ok". The appointment was peaceful and our DS was bouncing off the walls as I knew he was happy we were both there as a family. He was still very clingy to me and I could sense her noticing again. It was raining and I sprinted to my car to get the umbrella and walked them both out. I told DS that I had to "get mommy in the car first". He (and W) said..."yes, ladies first". She gave a "grateful" thank you as she had throughout the weekend for taking care of things and them. Our Monday court-ordered conflict resolution class was peaceful and productive. Members in the class and most importantly the therapist have repeatedly expressed the positive changes they�ve seen in me. It�s almost as if they are fighting the battle for me. After class my W texted and had our DS to call me to tell me he was feeling better. Beyond that she�s been sending more and more pics of them and being more open to communication in general. Nothing about �us� understandably.

On yesterday she calls around 7pm to say that our DS was �asking for me�. He wanted to come to daddy�s place. I said ok. We live only 2 blocks apart so I jump in my truck to go pick him up. He was so anxious to go with me. As we begin to leave our DD (2 ys, next month) began to be upset and began reaching for me as well. My W couldn�t refuse�and both my DS and DD came along and spent an hour or so at my place. My DS was very upset that he had to go back and was crying and clingy as I left from mommy�s place. She texted again this morning with pics of them sleeping all over her bed and a funny captions �the sacrifice of mommy� and �where was I supposed to sleep �
Beginning of the turn around?

Doing this! I am of the belief that she may have not fully engaged in an EA and certainly not a PA, but I think she was/is completely open to doing so. Perhaps more of the fantasy phase than anything substantive. Just my gut and considering the opinions of those she talks to.

She was REALLY angry this day...with everyone involved, from the school administrator, teacher, and I assume about my not openly "defending" her position. I am 100% convinced that my W suffers from Histrionic and Avoidant Personality Disorder. She avoids conflict at ALL cost and when she feels attacked she flees the situation immediately if she feels there is an "out". Hence my disclosure of infidelity gave her an "out". Should we reconcile, this HPD and APD is an issue that will require intense therapy of both parties.

Oh boy I hope you have never mentioned this diagnosis to your W. This kind of thinking is going to lead you to have DJs with her so I would put this out of your mind. It is possible that your past angry outbursts have led your W to, at least in part, behave this way.

If she ever does decide to R, perhaps write to Dr Harley about your concerns but do NOT ever mention anything about this to her and demand she get intensive therapy.

Susie Q - Nope!... not going to ever mention it to her, and yes, I will not deal with her with MY diagnosis in mind. The fact that I must still love and respect her choices and decisions has nothing to do with what I THINK she suffers with. I have also strongly considered that my behavior caused her to act as such. It sure didn't help.

So my wife is hosting a Girls Night Out (Post-birthday) shindig at a Jazz Restaurant where I took her for her last birthday outing. She doesn't know that I know of it. I saw the even Evite on her email. I'm thinking of having flowers delivered there....ANONOUMSLY. Figure she will either immediately inquire of me and tell me thanks. (she always does) OR she will pretend in front of her invites that they are from me and remain silent...rending another big clue of impropriety. Thoughts?

Do it. Add a poem as well.

I don't have a peace about it. Just want to send a text saying "I love you". But she doesn't want that either. Sad...

Huh? I am confused by this? Did you send the flowers? Are you still investigating a possible A?

Haven't done either. I should right? I think I'm just in a funk. Last night she purchased a book called "From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman's Journey through Divorce". Threw me into a tailspin. I prayed about it and have come to understand it's just part of the test and enemies' attempt to make me give up. She just called me asking if I have tools to trim brush at her place. I offered to help. She says "she thinks she can handle it, just needs the shears". I have a meeting with a counselor in 30 minutes. It's a gentlemen we saw before everything hit the fan. I need some encouragement and perhaps some antidepressants after all.

Just keep trying to meet emotional needs.
She's in withdrawal. She doesn't want flowers or poems.
She wants a trimmer. So talk about it. "I have one but old Charlie at the store said its best to trim in the evening. And the blade needs sharpened. I can stop by te shop and get it sharpened this evening if you like"

Use the opportunity for conversation.

It will get worse before it gets better

"I got a coupon for a cheap oil change in the mail. Do you want it?"

"i saw a flyer for an ice cream party at a local church. I was wondering if you thought the kids might like to go"

"I just found out that LowesHome Improvement Store has a free craft club for kids. It's every other weekend. The kids get a free apron and get to build crafts. Do you think the kids would like that?"

I know how you feel. Just remember, no matter how this ends up turning out, none of your progress will be in vain. You have become a stronger man because of this and will continue to be a better person with or without your wife by your side.

I still wouldn't give up on meeting her ENs and investigating her actions until the D...just my opinion.

Thanks all. I really needed the guidance. The therapy session was all over the place and I was mostly frustrated until the very end. The final words from the counselor was "treat her like a princess". So, THAT's what I'm going to do till the bitter end. On my way to go purchase trimmers and putting the garden hose that she's been asking about for weeks in my truck to deliver this evening. She stated that she'd plan to cut the brush after I picked the kiddos up for weekend visitation. Perhaps I can at least mention it would be fun if "we all" helped mommy cut the brush together. I know our DS5 would LOVE it!!

As for the flowers, I was going to use it as an indirect way to investigate by sending them anonymously. Am I misguided here?