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My husband and I dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and married for almost five years. We had one child. Over five years ago we divorced following my affair with his friend. Pertinent to mention I had a ONS with an X and another EA. After we divorced I moved in with OM. It was the textbook affair relationship described by Dr. H. OM and I have been on again off again since then. I have a child with OM and am pregnant with OM's child.

My BH and I are remarrying and reconciling. I feel as though we will need a lot of support and this forum should be one of those support places. I have read all the "start here" posts, scoured the website, read His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair. We ordered the MB Online Seminar with His Needs, Her Heeds and Love Busters home study courses. They have yet to arrive, therefore, we have yet to start that.

I think two immediate things we need to address are how to establish NC with OM and what to do about current pregnancy as far as paternity. We do live in a paternity presumption state; therefore, after marriage BH would be on birth cert unless both OM and BH sign respective documents to establish otherwise.

There are so many details I am obviously leaving out. I wanted to get this thread started in order to be able to answer specific questions for those willing to offer advice and to just have a starting place here.

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Originally Posted by NorthStar03
My husband and I dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and married for almost five years. We had one child. Over five years ago we divorced following my affair with his friend. Pertinent to mention I had a ONS with an X and another EA. After we divorced I moved in with OM. It was the textbook affair relationship described by Dr. H. OM and I have been on again off again since then. I have a child with OM and am pregnant with OM's child.

My BH and I are remarrying and reconciling. I feel as though we will need a lot of support and this forum should be one of those support places. I have read all the "start here" posts, scoured the website, read His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair. We ordered the MB Online Seminar with His Needs, Her Heeds and Love Busters home study courses. They have yet to arrive, therefore, we have yet to start that.

I think two immediate things we need to address are how to establish NC with OM and what to do about current pregnancy as far as paternity. We do live in a paternity presumption state; therefore, after marriage BH would be on birth cert unless both OM and BH sign respective documents to establish otherwise.

There are so many details I am obviously leaving out. I wanted to get this thread started in order to be able to answer specific questions for those willing to offer advice and to just have a starting place here.
Does OM know you're pregnant with his child?

How far are you in your pregnancy?

What kind of boundaries have you established and EPs so you don't have another affair and protect your marriage?

Can you get an IM to handle all communication including drop offs and pick ups if OM insist on being in your life?

You must establish NC for life with OM.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes, OM knows I'm very pregnant; due in a month.

EPs are a priority and ironically have yet to be established. I guess we are running on good faith right now. BH works out of state for 2-4 weeks at a time. My saver right now has been pouring over MB forums and pages.

I am so unsure who would be the most appropriate IM would be. Should we just pick someone and go with it for now?

Another problem with NC is the small town life and close proximity of families etc.

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Wow he travels 2-3 weeks at a time.

Read this. Traveling Jobs

A few priorities, his traveling job. He will need to find another job. Has he been looking?

It also seems like you will need to move since you live in close proximity of OM.

All conditions that allowed your affair must be stopped. Him being gone is leaving a gaping hole in your recovery.

What conditions allowed you to have an affair?

Make your list of EPs and post them here, but being apart over night almost negates everything else.

Here.
Extraordinary Precautions


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BH has been looking for another job. The move thing is daunting but OM does have daily less than ten miles from us.

Conditions allowing for the affair include, but not limited to:
- BH traveling job
- Companionship with opposite sex
- Going out without each other
- OM was neighbor at the time
- Instant Messaging/MySpace/Email/FB
- Cell phone calls/Texting

Should I list EPs whether have been implemented or not?

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Originally Posted by NorthStar03
BH has been looking for another job. The move thing is daunting but OM does have daily less than ten miles from us.

Should I list EPs whether have been implemented or not?

I can't figure out how to edit posts. That should say OM does have family not daily.

Also answered my own question about EP list.

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Can we have a timeline of your marriage and affairs.

It would answer many questions. As did you get pregnant by the OM while still married to BH?

When did you get pregnant the 2nd time to the OM and when did you start seeing your BH and decide to remarry your BH?

Has your BH dated during this time apart?

Why have you decided to dump OM after you let him get you pregnant two times?

Where has your child with BH been living since the divorce?

Why have you now decided to want BH instead of the OM?

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AS for recovering you and your BH need to move a full days ride by car away from the OM.

Problems is OM demanding shared custody preventing you from moving.

Then you make a false assumption about the OM having no rights to the 2nd OC because the law of presumption has been steadily losing ground in the courts.

You can marry your BH this weekend. OM can claim you were in a relationship with him when OC2 was conceived. Further claim that he had sex with just last week.

Last the OC2 has the OM's DNA.

Many an OM no about the importance of NC and fight for shared custody to maintain contact with their AP. Because they know that continued contact as Dr Harley knows will increase the odds in his favor that he will be able to restart the affair with you.

And, in the least be a thorn in your BH's side for the rest of your BH's life. OM can and some have insisted on being included in all important events of the OC's lives. Including marriage, grandkids. The inclusion of the important events repeats again.

Until BH or OM is laid to rest.

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I will have to get to a computer to answer in depth, but here are some quick responses. I did not get pregnant with OC1 while married. Child with BH has been living with me (and OM when that was relevant). BH did date some. OC2 was conceived this past winter. BH and I have been seeing each other the past couple months and decided we want to commit to reconciling our marriage instead of just hoping for the best and working on it.

"Why have you decided to dump OM after you let him get you pregnant two times? Why have you now decided to want BH instead of the OM?"

It's been the roller coaster. Textbook "affairage" although we never married. Does that description require details? The whole "soulmate" junk and the hatred cycle. The fighting, dishonesty, guilt, pain, sadness. It's sickening to think about. I can finally see clearly enough to recognize the illusions and see the awful mess I have created. I decided I was better off alone than living with those daily dramas created between myself and OM.

BH has never intentionally done me wrong. In an effort to provide for our family he worked on the road a lot. We didn't realize how or the significance of affair-proofing our marriage early on. We didn't realize then the threat opposite sex friends have to a marriage when they are meeting ENs. I enjoy his companionship and want to fall in love again. We now know how to protect the marriage. Its the implementing that's going to take work.

I am not making a false assumption re: paternity. I just know that if BH is on birth certif for OC2 it will create a lot of hoops for OM to jump through. With OC1 he is on birth certif but there are no legal parenting rights established. That would also have to go through court.

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Quote
Over five years ago we divorced following my affair with his friend. Pertinent to mention I had a ONS with an X and another EA.


So...3 affairs in the short 5 years that you were married.

Quote
After we divorced I moved in with OM. It was the textbook affair relationship described by Dr. H. OM and I have been on again off again since then.


You HAVE been on again off again SINCE then.

Not....we HAD been on again off again...

HAVE...which is PRESENT tense..

redflag

Your husband is going to need all the help he can get.

committed

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If you truly love your ex-husband, then help him help himself by not (re) marrying him - yet.

The conditions that existed that aided your multiple affairs still exists. He is still away. You now have two children with OM, so you've been with him less than a year ago - and you said you were 'on and off' with him.

You are not a good candidate for marriage right now. You need to commit to no contact/separation from OM for quite some time and establish that critical boundary.

You haven't even encountered the possible storm of OM taking you to court. Be assured that OM *can* make your life a living hell now by dragging you into court and if you love your ex-BH, then do not put him through that.

Prove yourself first. Not just to him, to yourself.

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An option would be moving where BH works, several hours away.

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Originally Posted by NorthStar03
An option would be moving where BH works, several hours away.
Is your BH willing to find another job that doesn't require him to travel?

If you move close to BH job would he still be required to travel?

Yes please, write out your EPs and what have been implemented.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He is willing and has been looking for another job. If we move to where he works now there would be no additional required travel or overnights away from each other with the current job.

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Originally Posted by NorthStar03
I will have to get to a computer to answer in depth, but here are some quick responses. I did not get pregnant with OC1 while married. Child with BH has been living with me (and OM when that was relevant). BH did date some. OC2 was conceived this past winter. BH and I have been seeing each other the past couple months and decided we want to commit to reconciling our marriage instead of just hoping for the best and working on it.

"Why have you decided to dump OM after you let him get you pregnant two times? Why have you now decided to want BH instead of the OM?"

It's been the roller coaster. Textbook "affairage" although we never married. Does that description require details? The whole "soulmate" junk and the hatred cycle. The fighting, dishonesty, guilt, pain, sadness. It's sickening to think about. I can finally see clearly enough to recognize the illusions and see the awful mess I have created. I decided I was better off alone than living with those daily dramas created between myself and OM.

BH has never intentionally done me wrong. In an effort to provide for our family he worked on the road a lot. We didn't realize how or the significance of affair-proofing our marriage early on. We didn't realize then the threat opposite sex friends have to a marriage when they are meeting ENs. I enjoy his companionship and want to fall in love again. We now know how to protect the marriage. Its the implementing that's going to take work.

I am not making a false assumption re: paternity. I just know that if BH is on birth certif for OC2 it will create a lot of hoops for OM to jump through. With OC1 he is on birth certif but there are no legal parenting rights established. That would also have to go through court.

I suggest you and your ex husband contact the marriage coaching center for guidance if you can afford it.
Old habits are hard to break and the coaching center can guide you.
They also have an online program available which you should enroll in


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I agree with Alis about holding off on remarriage. Move to where your exbh lives. Date each other and see if you can really make a go of this.

You need time to untangle yourself from the relationship with OM and it doesn't seem fair to your exbh to drag him into it.

I also get the feeling that you want to remarry so quickly as a way to get away from the OM and make your ex the new daddy. That is a weak way to go about things. Why does you ex have to help pull you away from the POS who helped blow up his marriage and family?

He may be saying he wants to do just that because then he will feel like he won but once you get back together, the resentment is going to eat away at him and it might spill out on you and the kids.

Take responsibility for the destruction you've created. Be the best mother you can be to all of these poor kids of yours who've had to endure the roller coaster you put them on.

Give yourself a year to work out your own problems and see if your ex is still interested. You seem to want someone to take care of you more than you want a real, committed, healthy partnership.

Be strong on your own.


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