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Looking at other boards they indicate that WS needs to look into why they made the choices they did. Do you agree that this is necessary for true change? My WH has no interest in seeing an IC.. to look deeper into his WHY. He says he has boundries and understanding that he did not have before..essentially he has changed. From what I have heard, Dr. Harley does not see a lot of value in figure this out, looking at FOO etc. IDK - seems like the potential for history to repeat is there. Since he would not enthusiastically agree to go to IC..do I have to drop it even though it would make me feel safer?

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I understand that Dr. Harley says the WHY is simply opportunity plus improper boundaries.

Delving into childhood issues, past hurts, etc. is a time-wasting exercise.

Recovery involves putting in place EP's to cut out the opportunity (nights apart, opposite gender friends or mentors, etc.) and shore up the boundaries (no flirting, personal convos, porn, curbing social networking).




Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
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The important thing to know is the HOW of an affair so EPs can be put into place.

Remove opportunity (the how) so the focus can turn to building your marriage.







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Originally Posted by bewildered123
Looking at other boards they indicate that WS needs to look into why they made the choices they did. Do you agree that this is necessary for true change? My WH has no interest in seeing an IC.. to look deeper into his WHY. He says he has boundries and understanding that he did not have before..essentially he has changed. From what I have heard, Dr. Harley does not see a lot of value in figure this out, looking at FOO etc. IDK - seems like the potential for history to repeat is there. Since he would not enthusiastically agree to go to IC..do I have to drop it even though it would make me feel safer?
In what way would looking at FOO etc reduce the potential for history to repeat itself? What, after all, can we do about FOO issues, or childhood issues? We can't change our childhoods or FOO. We can't change events that happened in our pasts. How can they be relevant to protecting ourselves and our spouses against an affair in the present and future?

People from all kinds of FOOs have affairs; rich, poor, faithful parents and unfaithful parents, loving homes and otherwise. Delving into our FOOs is a distraction from learning affair-proofing behaviours in our marriages today.


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His PA 2003-2006
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Originally Posted by bewildered123
Looking at other boards they indicate that WS needs to look into why they made the choices they did.

Dr. Harley is in the minority rather than the mainstream on a number of things. One is this issue. He is also in the minority on his success rate - he's successful, whereas most marriage counseling is not!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=3&sublink=20

Dr. Harley offers a plan of recovery that works, but it is a narrow path. If your wayward husband has taken the right steps to set that up, then you will be able to avoid repeating history. If certain initial steps have been taken, then in order to recover, Dr. Harley says you need to quit bringing up the affair, because that will prevent recovery.

I notice that your join date is a year ago, and you've posted 39 times. Have you done much reading to learn about Dr. Harley's plan of recovery and how it works? Your instincts will lead you astray, so it is best to learn what recovery entails. Time will not heal this wound - you and your husband need to be taking the steps to recover.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Appears in forum world there are two different mindsets. I question the whole "affair-proof" of a marriage becomes sometimes life gets in the way and you cannot always meet each others needs or say never travel overnight. Affairs happen because of a series of choices..you choose to ask for a number, you choose to call, you choose to meet. I am not saying FOO is the answer but you can have two people with the same situation and one will choose to cheat and one won't - WHY? I know I was not happy in my marriage either but I never reached outside the marriage for my needs. I think with knowledge comes power. I think MB is a great plan to build strong marriages but this one I struggle with..seems like to much of the responsibility falls on the BS to meet the needs of the WS so he can behave like one should within a marriage. I just can't except sorry but didn't have boundaries but now I do and feel comfortable with it.

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He bewildered.

I just wanted to agree with what everyone else has posted to you that the Marriage Builder's narrow path for recovery, if followed, is very successful.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
"the plan I offer for recovery after an affair is very specific ...."



FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for the post and direction. Last night we had a blow up because of all of this. This is one year for all this..poly anniversary is next week and I think this has set me back. Additionally, I discovered WS was surfing porn again. I asked him why..answer was stress relief, wasn't thinking about you (which he said about ONS)..etc. which made me feel like he needs to figure out why he makes choices that are counter productive at best. I struggle with how not to bring up the affair when I am still so impacted by it. Markos - I have not read the books (currently reading Love Busters) but have read the website info and listen to show daily. We have taken a very piece meal approach and it is not working. I need to get out of my head and and get busy...its hard!

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Have you thought about emailing Dr Harley?

How much UA time are you getting?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Bewildered;

So you tried piecemeal, and THAT didn't work....
How about going for the program as a whole?

You question the "affair-proof-ability" of your marriage. Well, certainly, there may be times in the future when you fail to meet your spouse's needs, or they yours. But with proper boundaries in place, and with limited opportunities, the choice to start down the cheating path CAN be eliminated.

The MB program offers a plan for this...



Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
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We are five yearst post D-Day. We went through MB program and it saved our M but we also had to go through IC to learn how to stop behaviors we develped in our past. For instance, my DH is a child of infedelity. His father was M to another women and having an A with his mother and he was conceived from that union. His mother had five other children from other MM. My DH grew up seeing his mother go through women like crazy. His philosophy was that everyone cheats. I grew up in a household where my father left my mother for the OW after having a ten year A. For me, infidelity is something I have never thought about. My brain doesn't work that way. I believe if you can't control sleeping with someone else you leave. It is that simple for me. It makes me want to vomit when I think about sleeping with someone other than my DH. For us, we incorporated IC with MB to fix ourselves. My DH is a model H now but he still struggles with needing attention from OW. I am a good W but I still struggle with my abandonment issues. I am so glad that I forced my DH to go to IC and so glad that I went myself.


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