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Good. Tell us what you learned from them.
Did you guys agree to do the online program?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Good. Tell us what you learned from them.
Did you guys agree to do the online program? The biggest thing I've learned so far from those clips is - "I" have a choice to become angry. I always figured it was whomever made you angry was the one responsible for your anger. Also, Dr.H talks about what to do if you CAN'T get out of a situation that you feel is making you angry - (which is also what I read in the LB book) creating a way to reduce the adrenalin to reduce the anger - another "short-circuit" habit if you will. Which is what I'm working on. Haven't spoken to BS about the online program ~ will wait until he is home from work.
Last edited by mrs_cen; 07/30/13 06:05 PM.
FWW, 36
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Good. Tell us what you learned from them.
Did you guys agree to do the online program? The biggest thing I've learned so far from those clips is - "I" have a choice to become angry. I always figured it was whomever made you angry was the one responsible for your anger. Also, Dr.H talks about what to do if you CAN'T get out of a situation that you feel is making you angry - (which is also what I read in the LB book) creating a way to reduce the adrenalin to reduce the anger - another "short-circuit" habit if you will. Which is what I'm working on. Haven't spoken to BS about the online program ~ will wait until he is home from work. Good job. That's the biggest lesson I learned also. I'm responsible for my own actions. We can't control others only ourselves.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Whenever a couple is not feeling "in love", or if R is bumping along harder than it needs to, it's almost always a shortage of UA time. Even now, if AJ and I begin to feel less connected to each other, it's a fast indicator that we're not getting our UA time in. And as soon as the UA time increases, (an action), the good feelings follow. You don't need to leave home for 20+ hours a week, or go on that many dates. The point is that you're paying attention to each other, and some of the best UA time occurs in private, anyway. While continuing all the good things you're already doing, spend your UA making positive memories and associations with each other. That should make an improvement in your R. It's hard enough without making it even harder.  Prisca suggested UA time as well and to keep track of it, if we don't have to leave the house, we are getting a bit more time then, after supper we get our coffee and sit out on the balcony together talking and just being together (for example) Dr Harley has said that most of the UA time needs to be out of the house, for most couples. I think that's more true for couples with kids, than without. DH and I have two dates out of the house and two dates in the house, but we don't have kids
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Finances can be a factor, and we also live many miles away from typical "date" spots. We could drive around and look at wheat, lol. It's not that I think going out is bad, just don't limit UA time to dates. Make sure there's plenty of time behind closed doors, as well. Free and fun! (It doesn't even ALL have to be SF.)
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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"I'm going to disagree with those who say that UA time "must not be at home". If there's an activity you both enjoy at home where you are interacting with one another (read: probably not TV), it's UA. Here are some things we do."
We will have to disagree with you on the basis that it is usually very ineffective UA time when spent at home. It is virtually useless when a couple is not in love because there are so very many things at home that they enjoy doing so much MORE than being with their spouse.
When such a couple spends their UA time at home pretty soon they are spending no time together at all and they conclude MB does not work.
Most couples who come here attempt to pencil whip this exercise so they won't have to make any changes in their lives. They have already been spending all of their time together at home with no effect. So the goal is to get them OUT of their routines and get them out of the house.
UA time at home might work for a very FEW couples who are already in love, but even that is rare. UA time at home doesn't work for me and my H and Dr Harley has said the same about him and Joyce. It is a very bad idea, IMO, to recommend UA at home. And Prisca It's Dr. Harley who strongly advises couples to have UA outside the home. Markos and I have talked with Dr. Harley at length about this. The reason is because UA at home does not make the massive lovebank deposits that UA outside the house does for most couples. There are some that it will work with, but they are the very small exception.
Markos and I happen to be part of that exception. Dr. Harley seemed intrigued that it actually works for us, because in his experience it doesn't work -- that's how rare it is.
For most couples, they will find it very difficult to fill their lovebanks over the romantic threshold. They said it better than I did.  And, we go out probably 10 - 12 hours a week now between Astronomy, walks in the evenings, dinner, shopping, driving around, etc... We spend 10 - 12 hours a week at home in UA time as well. But, we don't have kids and have more time than most parents would.
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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I stand corrected.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Good. Tell us what you learned from them.
Did you guys agree to do the online program? The biggest thing I've learned so far from those clips is - "I" have a choice to become angry. I always figured it was whomever made you angry was the one responsible for your anger. Also, Dr.H talks about what to do if you CAN'T get out of a situation that you feel is making you angry - (which is also what I read in the LB book) creating a way to reduce the adrenalin to reduce the anger - another "short-circuit" habit if you will. Which is what I'm working on. Haven't spoken to BS about the online program ~ will wait until he is home from work. We also did the Online Seminar and found it enormously helpful in recovering our marriage after my H's affair. After his affair, I was the one with a tremendous amount of anger. I blasted him quite frequently; it took working with our coach and using the tools in the MB program to help overcome that huge obstacle. You can post your questions directly to Dr. Harley in the private forum and get his advice. Plus reading the private forum is valuable. The cost is well worth it. Our marriage has never been like it is now, even when we were first married.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you all for your advice and help. BS has choosen to end our marraige. He said I am "incapable and unwilling to give him what he needs".
I will continue this journey on my own.
FWW, 36
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I suggest you email Dr. Harley with this update, mrs_cen.
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I suggest you email Dr. Harley with this update, mrs_cen. I just did.
FWW, 36
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Very good. Let us know what he says.
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Wild horses could not pull someone away from restoring her marriage. Perhaps if he sees effective efforts, his mind may be changed. I'm not going to speculate about did you or did you not try. It doesn't matter what I think. What does your BH think? What does Dr H think? If they think you've not done all you can do, then your task is to execute the plan that has the best shot and restoring your marriage. Empirically speaking, if your husband wants to end the marriage, he's not currently convinced you are doing all you can do, or will do it. He may be right. He may be wrong. How you respond to this latest development determines the accuracy of his assessment. Thank you all for your advice and help. BS has choosen to end our marraige. He said I am "incapable and unwilling to give him what he needs".
I will continue this journey on my own.
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Edit
Last edited by mrs_cen; 07/31/13 04:45 PM.
FWW, 36
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I've been watching from the sidelines from the very beginning of both threads and there still is so much that is salvageable.
Just because someone says something in a moment of weakness or exasperation does not make it true.
Mrs. Cen, would You still like for your marriage to be restored and improved?
What else could the two of you jointly agree on to show willingness and openness in a manner your husband could accept?
I honestly will be praying for the both of you.
LTL
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He said I am "incapable and unwilling to give him what he needs". Did you ask him specifics of where you are incapable and where you are unwilling? If you haven't tread carefully on how you say it. It must come from an inquisitive attitude. One where humility and great concern are at the forefront. I am assuming, of course, that you are greatly concerned. �RNR, I do not want this M to end. I truly want us to recover from this and build a happy, romantic M. I am sorry I haven�t done what you need to feel we�re on a path to recovery. If we sit down and build out a specific plan, maybe getting Dr Harley�s help I promise you, with your help, I will follow it to the letter. I want to show you just how capable and willing I am.�
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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First, I just wanted to clarify that I DO know the definition of JC, my confusion was what sort of things (other than the JC Dr.Harley suggests) should I be looking for. Thank you to those that did so - I appreciate it.
My BS has always been an extremely introverted person, he finds "talking and sharing feelings" difficult at times, through out this process he has made leaps and bounds with it but at times still closes up (fear and lack of trust with me)
We spoke during the day yesterday off and on and I now have a STRAIGHT answer on what BS's JC's are, which if I'm willing (BS words) will help him in his recovery.
Also, been in contacted Dr. Harley.
Ia
Last edited by mrs_cen; 08/01/13 10:18 AM. Reason: Added
FWW, 36
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I now have a STRAIGHT answer on what BS's JC's are, which if I'm willing (BS words) will help him in his recovery. What are they?
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My BS has always been an extremely introverted person, he finds "talking and sharing feelings" difficult at times, through out this process he has made leaps and bounds with it but at times still closes up (fear and lack of trust with me) Mrs Cen, Since your husband is an emotional person (as evidenced by his history of emotional outbursts - mostly ending in angry outbursts) don't worry so much about the "talking and sharing feelings" thing. He can learn to do that, but you also have to learn something else; when he shares a feeling, take it "as is," unless he relates it to a particular action; "I don't feel safe when you leave the room with your phone." Your job, then, is not to question his feeling or justify your action, but to cease the action which evokes a negative emotion in your husband. (Yes, Mrs Cen, he should do the same - but we will deal with what he should do on his thread). Your actions when he does share his feelings will erode his fear and build trust, but only if those actions are safe and caring rather than defensive or disrespectful.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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BS and I have been quietly reading here and reading through LB at home. We have been working diligently on NOT having AO's or LB's as well as trying to not make DJ's - we have been trying to ensure that our "discussions" remain calm and safe for both of us, it has been going well.
One thing that has been particularly hard on BS is living here (in the city) he triggers easily and often has bad thoughts/memories and has told me he is in a lot of pain, I suggested a move might be be beneficial to both him and I and our marriage. Currently we live in Alberta (My ENTIRE family is here) his ENTIRE family is in Newfoundland ~ about 6350 KM away.
Our thought is to go - I get on well with his parents (even after exposure) and finding work would not be difficult.
I'm terrified to just "pick up and go", however I need to help BS heal and it's to hard to do that here, he has said he thinks a move will help him a lot, as the triggers (some of them) such as places, etc will be removed.
Thoughts on this???
FWW, 36
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