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Joined: May 2009
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We totally understand your emotional angst.
When you speak with Steve to get help crafting the letter......ask him why he doesn't seem to be recommending a Plan B to protect your mental health?
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Joined: Sep 2008
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First, please let me apologize for this post as I just need someone to talk to.
I have had a rough few days, can't stop crying and am so deeply depressed I am not functioning. H is still out of town at the same place. I still don't know if he is having an affair or not. He still drinks in the bar every night, but has started answering his phone when I call, until last night he wouldn't answer until after midnight. I have been awake all night, thoughts racing, wondering what is going to happen, how I will ever get over this, etc.
I went to visit him last weekend. We had a good time together, and he appeared happy to have me there. I checked his phone and didn't find texts but he could have deleted them. When I left he hugged me tight and said I love you over and over. After I got home, his drinking escalated.
I met with Steve Harley two weeks ago. He advised me to ask H to speak with him. So far H has refused. Steve said I am constantly triggered of H's past affairs every time he goes to a bar, and my H's independent behavior and out of town job is the root issue. He thinks I will snap and lose it soon as I have held back all my emotions for many, many years. Steve said I should write H a letter, asking him if he is willing to commit to the marriage. I have tried several times to write that letter, but it never sounds right. I plan to contact Steve Harley this week for another appointment and help with the letter. He didn't recommend a Plan B letter as much as a modified love letter.
What really bothers me is that H beats around the bush when I ask him when he will be coming home. He says 'when I get this job done'; I understand that but I can't imagine a construction job would not have a time line and a completion date. I don't know if I will make it until he comes back.
I have contacted my doctor's office to get my anti-depressants rx refilled. Maybe that will help.
I feel like I have wasted over half my life loving someone who is incapable of loving me back.
Thanks for listening. Sooo, I am horrified and so sorry to hear the state of your marriage and your emotional health. Action on this is urgent. I suggest that you press Steve Harley to get you out of this situation this week. If he continues to suggest a love letter asking your H to commit to the marriage, you need to press SH for a deadline by which the letter must be answered and action taken for your H to give up drinking and get a home-based job. Those two things are wrecking your mental health. Steve's father, Dr Harley, who created this Marriage Builders programme, is FIERCELY protective of women's mental health and urges them to move away from their dangerous marriages within two or three weeks of issuing an ultimatum to their husbands. You have already communicated your distress at your H's behaviour, and that three-week period is long past due. You need to be out of this situation now. In your case an affair is unproven (although like others here, I suspect that your H's secret second life has facilitated an affair more recently than you think). However, what is proven and what places you in the most danger of a breakdown is his drinking and his absence. This cannot go on. So please do all the things you plan to do: get your anti-depressant medication reviewed and speak urgently to SH, both this week, but I would also urge to write to Steve's father, Dr Harley. Send him an email at the address of the Marriage Builders radio show. (I'll look up and post the address in a minute.) If you are stuck for what to write in the email, I suggest emailing your self this whole thread (there is a button to do so), and then forward that email to Dr Harley, asking for his help. He can simply read the thread. You are in grave danger of collapsing because of your H's behaviour, and you must not let that happen.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Sep 2008
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Dr Harley and his wife Joyce run a daily radio show that you can listen to online. This is what they say about contacting them:
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
Please do this urgently.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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I'm so sorry your WH continues with his abusive behavior.
Your last posts said you were preparing for Plan B??
What happened to that?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 15
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
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Thank you for your caring and understanding replies. I will post more of my notes from my session soon am waiting for rx. Had a meltdown and son took me to Dr. I'm a mess. They prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressent.
You're right I am in a breakdown
ME -BW? Not sure yet
Married 30 years
Kids grown
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Thank you for your caring and understanding replies. I will post more of my notes from my session soon am waiting for rx. Had a meltdown and son took me to Dr. I'm a mess. They prescribed anti anxiety and anti depressent.
You're right I am in a breakdown This won't do, So. Your mental health is in jeopardy from this emotional abuse. I would suggest you get that Plan B letter done and plan for separation and divorce. Consider: Your husband is an alcoholic. He is physically home only part-time, and drinks to the point of passing out when he IS there. Dr. Harley's program will not work with an active alcoholic. It will also not work if your husband travels for his job. These two things will have to end, and your husband has made it clear that that's not going to happen. Does Steve understand this? I am stunned that he is suggesting that you write love letters to a person in the throes of alcohol addiction who travels for his job, especially considering how long you have endured this. Dr. Willard Harley, the founder of this site, does NOT recommend that you Plan A this long! You are showing the effects of a woman who is crumbling under this abuse. That's not going to work. You are becoming emotionally frayed, dealing with his actions. Please, please make plans that will protect your emotional health!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Dec 2010
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reading, SugarCane, BH;
Thank you for your kind posts. After re-reading my notes Steve does want me to go to Plan B after I send the first letter if my husband's answer is 'No he is not willing' to make our marriage into something better that we both would enjoy. Steve recommended a letter because when I talk to H he's not sober. I am to write a short to the point letter as H does not like to read.
It is my fault I am not at the PB stage yet, as I took time off to go visit H, trying to give him additional good memories of me, and then have been trying to get intel. I should have done things faster. If there was evidence I would expose and go to Plan B immediately.
Steve said if our marriage takes a backseat to anything it will fail, I'm too accommodating, H lives too independent of the M and fails to understand what he needs to do to make the M enduring. H is demanding of me, and pushes me away. When I am 'done' its then too late to save M. H never to earned my trust after his last A.
I had a bad breakdown today.. can't stop crying, no sleep, chest pains, arm pains, severe headache, feel emotionally broken. Went to emergency as I thought maybe I was about to have a heart attack but couldn't stop crying there either. They prescribed Celexia and a fast acting anti-anxiety which has helped. I think I would feel better if I could sleep.
You all are right, I think H behavior is abuse even though not physical. The PI did not find evidence of PA or EA. PI is so expensive; I would rather spend that money on the Harley's counseling I think. Dr. recommended counseling also.
I will work on an email the the radio show tomorrow. I am too spent to do it today. I need to curl up on the sofa with my dog.
Thank you all so much. It feels better to get it out here, and know I am not the only one going through this trauma.
ME -BW? Not sure yet
Married 30 years
Kids grown
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Joined: Sep 2008
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reading, SugarCane, BH;
Thank you for your kind posts. After re-reading my notes Steve does want me to go to Plan B after I send the first letter if my husband's answer is 'No he is not willing' to make our marriage into something better that we both would enjoy. Steve recommended a letter because when I talk to H he's not sober. I am to write a short to the point letter as H does not like to read.
It is my fault I am not at the PB stage yet, as I took time off to go visit H, trying to give him additional good memories of me, and then have been trying to get intel. I should have done things faster. If there was evidence I would expose and go to Plan B immediately.
Steve said if our marriage takes a backseat to anything it will fail, I'm too accommodating, H lives too independent of the M and fails to understand what he needs to do to make the M enduring. H is demanding of me, and pushes me away. When I am 'done' its then too late to save M. H never to earned my trust after his last A.
I had a bad breakdown today.. can't stop crying, no sleep, chest pains, arm pains, severe headache, feel emotionally broken. Went to emergency as I thought maybe I was about to have a heart attack but couldn't stop crying there either. They prescribed Celexia and a fast acting anti-anxiety which has helped. I think I would feel better if I could sleep.
You all are right, I think H behavior is abuse even though not physical. The PI did not find evidence of PA or EA. PI is so expensive; I would rather spend that money on the Harley's counseling I think. Dr. recommended counseling also.
I will work on an email the the radio show tomorrow. I am too spent to do it today. I need to curl up on the sofa with my dog.
Thank you all so much. It feels better to get it out here, and know I am not the only one going through this trauma. What you went through today is very serious. I'm even more worried about the idea of writing a letter to your H. What is the value of his words, if he says "yes I will work on the marriage"? What specific steps would be he agreeing to, and how fast would be he required to carry them out? He could say "yes" and then do what he has done for a year; carry on precisely as before. I think you need him to move out NOW. I am not trying to alarm you, but I know of someone (my daughter's friends' mother) who actually did have a heart attack this year after she confronted her H about his affair. She was in hospital for many days and has been fragile and unwell since being discharged. Dr Harley points out that the effects on an ongoing affair on women are not only on their mental health, but on their physical health too, and this is already happening to you. The situation in your marriage could already be creating long-term health problems for you, never mind if it continues for another week. You say you are too spent to "work on the email", but my suggestion was not to work on it at all. I suggested that you email this thread to Dr H, with just a covering line asking for help. You don't have to explain anything over again - you have explained it all here. Dr Harley would have more than enough to work on with just what is written in this thread. Please don't put this off. Email Dr Harley as soon as you get up tomorrow.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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It is my fault I am not at the PB stage yet, as I took time off to go visit H, trying to give him additional good memories of me, and then have been trying to get intel. I should have done things faster. If there was evidence I would expose and go to Plan B immediately. You did your Plan A visit. It's time to go to Plan B. The state of your emotional and physical health is evidence of this. You've been here for two months, and the current recommendation for Plan A for women is 2 weeks. Additionally, you should stay in Plan B until your husband stops drinking completely and remains sober for at least a year. A stint in rehab and regular attendance in some sort of addiction recovery program aren't even meeting bare minimum to even consider marital reconciliation.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Additionally, you should stay in Plan B until your husband stops drinking completely and remains sober for at least a year. A stint in rehab and regular attendance in some sort of addiction recovery program aren't even meeting bare minimum to even consider marital reconciliation. This. You are so used to a dysfunctional life with an alcoholic that I suspect you've lost sight of what it is to live a 'normal' life - living with an alcoholic turns a normal life on its head. Please follow up on HHH's post.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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