Absolutely no idea. All I know is that I love him and am lost now. He does gaslight me. How do I take that control back? I'm asking right out. I don't have anger issues. Each time I express any disappointment or hurt or anger in him, he can't handle it. He was & still is the child that can't do any wrong I his family. Extremely successful in his careers and when I disapprove

You love him because he has an account in your Love Bank.

He fills some of your important emotional needs.

Not all five of them though and it seems he is not willing to do so.

You will feel vulnerable as long as you are with him.

If you move on from that relationship though......there is a chance that you will find a willing partner who meets them all.

Obviously, you are attractive to men and worth being with, or your boyfriend would not have spent so much time in a relationship with you. He would not have bothered.

You are a worth while woman who can get more from someone.

Sorry was typing from my phone & the keyboard froze couldn't finish my post. Back on the thing again.

Well, it looks like I attract men that have very similar qualities. I'm not sure if I can eve be in a relationship after this...if we do decide to end it which I pray to the man upstairs that we'll get through this, i cant weed or see the signs until it's too late.

Besides a single mom with a autistic 15 year old & tons of baggage. I feel hopeless. Yes I have no trouble attracting men but as I've said
I find myself gravitating to the same type. I can't do this to my children but I am human and I desire a relationship.

This weeding thing is actually quite simple.

From the get go of a relationship, you can use POJA.

During the entire course of a relationship, from the very beginning, if your partner is not willing to poja, aka, consider your feelings and brainstorm enthusiastic agreements, then he's just not that into you and may never be.


If a guy you're dating doesn't consider your feelings, it's time to move on.


It's that easy.

The problem I see with your situation, is that you've never stood up for what you need, so you're not happy. You let these men run all over you. You never will be happy if that component doesn't change about you.

You can change this component by setting a boundary for yourself, which states that you refuse to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't consider your feelings in all things.

You can start now.

What you "can't do" is stay in this abusive relationship, which a horrible model for your children to see.

They will think it's ok to accept the same kind of treatment you're getting in their future relationships.

What I meant was I can't put my children through another relationship. It's not healthy. Though in my previous relationship, the kids met him a handful of times. I kept them away from him. Long story short, I wasn't supposed to happen in his life. He wasn't the kind that kept woman around for more than 6-9 months. I somehow made it with him until the four year mark. I broke it off with him because I could not see him a father to my children. BUT oddly enough, he respected me. The one I'm with now, fell into my lap when I wasn't looking.

My kids are extremely found of him as he is very good and loving to them. As I've mentioned before, my youngest has issues with his father and abandonment. His father, blamed our son for our divorce and his cheating on me. To have a fun but disgusting read, his MB name is Randyrails, He came on here because his OW was cheating on him while he was cheating on me. We sound like white trash. Very embarrassing. He held a high position and was sleeping with the HR person. Nice. Oh yeah, he took a job in south Texas while the kids and I stayed up here in chitown. So my point is, when my son was very young, his father wasn't around. When my WXS came back, because he lost his job, never was home, never spent time with the kids, out drinking, it was a horrible mess. I finally got the strength to kick him out and move on. (shorten story) My youngest was always blown off by my WXS as he never wanted to see him or wanted nothing to do with him. That OW was the BIGGEST blessing. BUT....

I desire a relationship but I feel broken and damaged. I can't bear to introduce my two boys again in a mans life. They're a lot older and pretty keen. My oldest being autistic, doesn't understand and has been asking where my BF is at as we hardly had seen each other after my time out..

But apparently, we are back to "taking a break!" I really wish it was that easy. Believe me. It'd save me a lot of heartache. I don't want to feel this. I hate to admit it, but it's worse than when I found out my WXS was cheating on me.

I have a HUGE problem is right.

Hi Ali88!
Yeah, it's been a long time since I was here and I remember you well however.
Back from when you and RR were still together.
After reading this Thread, I offer my thoughts on it.
..something to think about: if your current BF is like this now with his EX-wife, then 'if' you two were to ever marry, nothing would really change, except that you both would be wearing wedding rings. I don't see him changing anything. Sounds like he wants a batchelor life, but still hang out with his EX... and have a GF on the side...
JMHO..

You have a freeloader and a terrible candidate for marriage. He isnt interested in making you happy. He actively makes you unhappy by still acting married with his former wife.

Your Q is: "How do I change a man?"

Well the answer is, you can't. You are supposed to pick one who doesn't need to change. If you want to settle for what he's offering then great, but it's your choice.

What's more, it sounds like he shouldn't have divorced his wife in the first place.

A marriage isnt something that a good man would shrug off for no reason. They get along well and have children together. I can't imagine why you would want to put yourself in the middle of a family who could very well reconcile.

Just walk away.