FTF, has your wife called or emailed Joyce yet? I remember from the last radio show she and Dr. Harley did with you two, Joyce had volunteered to work with your wife in brainstorming some career ideas. She'd be wonderful to work with, I'm sure.

No she has not. I've mentioned it several times, but I can tell from the response she doesn't want to and isn't going to.

...she doesn't want to and isn't going to.

**EDIT**

But before anyone else points it out, permit me to note that your statement, prefaced by "I can tell from the response..." is a DJ on your part, and will adversely affect your Plan A! You are only allowed to make the observation if she SAYS, "I don't want to and I'm not going to!"

OK, so I asked her this morning "Why haven't you called or emailed Joyce? She offered and you said 'That sounds great!'" Her response was "She was just being nice. She is busy and I don't want to bother her with my petty problems. I'll figure it out."

So she doesn't want to and isn't going to. It would probably be a LB for me to keep bringing it up.

The above was a continuation of a short conversation we had last night. We are supposed to have a weekly feedback session about the previous week. So I asked her "How did you feel this week?" She said "Bored". So I listed the dates we had this week and said I've been trying to concentrate on things you would find fun. She said she means she is bored during the day when I am not there. "I want to go out and do things". So I said, "Well, why don't you?" And she says "Because you don't want me going anywhere."

All I'm being is honest. I want her to be happy, but I'm not going to lie about what makes me trigger or feel uncomfortable.

Right, you should continue the radical honesty. Respectfully, of course, which is how you are doing it as far as I can tell.

I don't think that anyone would expect you to be a martyr for a lost cause here, FTF.

Maybe you could contact Dr. Harley and Joyce for some ideas.

When my wife and I hit a POJA situation where "do nothing" makes it look to her like she gets to do nothing and I get my way, I know that she usually gets to the point where she does not want to brainstorm ideas, and I am usually stuck trying to come up with some ideas myself. Sometimes it takes awhile, but I can usually find something, or at least show enough sincerity in trying to suggest ideas that she becomes enthusiastic again and comes up with some ideas herself.

Your wife is bored at home during the day. What can you do to help her with this problem?

I know one thing my wife and I do during the day that makes her day better (she is a stay at home mother and homemaker and we have six children who can sometimes be, let's say "energetic.") We stay in constant contact: phone, email, IM, text message.

I'm not sure about that one. That might come across as "If you won't do it then I will."


Well, that's what I have already started to do. I've already come up with some ideas. Maybe she will like some of them.


That's a good idea.

That's a good point. Whatever you do, you want to make sure it's done non-demanding. Suppose Dr. Harley and Joyce come back with a great idea, and you present it to FC, and she doesn't like it. The correct response there is to go back to the drawing board and keep looking for more ideas, but they way I would've responded a few years ago would be to despair because Prisca wasn't accepting "the" right solution, and get upset with her for not being willing to try, etc. Don't do that.


Good - this is the way to go. Make suggestions, get the creative juices flowing.

I'm not sure I can handle anymore radical honesty.

Wasn't this discussed when you called into the show several weeks ago? And before that?

What has changed since that time?

Recollecting that you offered several suggestions to offset the income and childcare issue, what has she proposed or how was the issue left?

The only thing that has been proposed is that we buy a larger vehicle so she can drive more kids around. We've looked a lot but just don't have the money to add a car payment on top of everything else.

I've pointed out that she "hates" doing childcare, so why keep pushing to do more of it. She says she likes the money it brings in so we can do stuff. She doesn't want to work a job that requires any sort of childcare because she says she won't be able to earn enough money to make it worthwhile. So, for one thing, that eliminates anything else for at least three years because our DD is two. And even after that, it eliminates anything that requires one to work past 2:30 in the afternoon because that is when they get home from school.

So that rotates it back to doing childcare. "I can't do anything else", she says. But "if I were able to get out and do things it would make it better."

Things she wants to go out and do during the day:

1. Go to the mall.
2. Go to the library.
3. Go the the green way trail.
4. Go to the gym.
5. Substitute teach.

1,2,3, and 5 are triggers for me which she is aware of. 1 and 3 she has done anyway, despite this. "But only went to the green way twice this year".

4 just kind of makes me uncomfortable.

She feels sad that she can't do these things. I asked why and she said it was because those are things she wants to do.

Are these things she wants to do with the kids or without?

With the kids:
1. Go to the mall.
2. Go to the library.
3. Go the the green way trail.

With the kids, but drop them in daycare while she works out:
4. Go to the gym.

Can you explain why those things trigger you? Are there precautions that can be put into place to allow her to do these things?

Ah, this is hauling other people's children around, correct?

A larger vehicle does not necessarily mean a car payment.


Are these triggers specific to these locations or just libraries in general? That is, would you have the same trigger if it wasn't a local library?

Aren't there activities she could enjoy with other young women and mothers in your area?

Going to the gym on her own is a bad idea. The Harleys strongly recommend a married couple exercise with each other, not separately.

Would the greenway trail work at all for you? Are there usually men out there walking/running during the day? What if she was to meet up with a trusted woman friend and go together?

1. Go to the mall.
This is where she went to use the pay phones to avoid detection via our phone bill.

2. Go to the library.
This is where she went to setup and access her secret email account. They have internet access there.

3. Go the the green way trail.

This is where she went to meet up with her "non affairs male friend running partner". She insisted on meeting up with him even after D-Day and even after I expressed how much it bothered me.

4. Go to the gym.

Maybe I've just read too many stories. I don't trust her boundaries at this time, but maybe with an active interest in EPs I might be OK with it.

5. Substitute teach.

She carried on her affair largely at a school, during the school day.